It seems it's been over two years since my last blog post.
So much has happened in my little life. We moved to Paducah, KY for Terrance's current assignment with the Army. My daughter graduated from high school, joined the Army, and is gone from home. I started and quit several jobs and am now working at a bank as a teller.
I like the work, but getting used to working with people requires some adjusting. Oh, and I gained back the 41 lbs I fought so hard to lose.
Jazmyne's moving out really hit me harder than I thought it would. I cried for three weeks straight when she went to basic training and I still have my moments of tears. I miss her terribly, but am thrilled that she is doing so well. I still feel as if something has died. I know in a way, it has. Our relationship, as it was, is no longer. I can no longer parent her in the way I am used to parenting her. I have to take on a new role and our relationship is being defined with new parameters. I still have my moments of mourning. After all, something old and familiar died, but just like with Fall and Winter where flowers and leaves die, there will be a Spring where there will be something beautiful and new.
Paducah has proven to be a training ground of sorts and the latest thing I am trying (with the Grace of God and through the power of His Holy Spirit) is conquering rejection and becoming whole. When I say I have been tortured by insecurity almost to a debilitating point would be an understatement. Since I began my new job, I cry often. It's usually at home, before bed, and with my husband. I cry because of my self- doubt and insecurities. I cry because relating to women is difficult for me. I cry because I know that there are some mean women there and they do nothing but talk bad about other people and OH MAN, does that hit right where my insecurities hurt. I am in the process of begging the Lord to heal me. I am learning that God will heal me, but I also have to do the work.
In the past, when work became a source of torment (or my thoughts LET work become a source of torment) I would create a problem in my mind, my actions would cause that problem to become a reality, and then I would run from the situation by abruptly quitting.
Talk about someone who has burned more bridges than she cares to remember! I have burned so many bridges, I am surprised I work anywhere. Anyway, I really want this time to be different. I don't want the same anymore. I want to stand and face my fears, to let the power of the Almighty God find me where I am, and let His healing wash over me. I don't want to be the "crazy" one at work all the time. I don't want to be bullied out by a small clique of women who have their own insecurities so they cut down others. I am better than that. I was created for more than that....I know this is my head, but somehow, I haven't let that truth in my heart just yet. I am , however, working toward that!!!
The root of my insecurities comes from rejection. I could lament here, on this blog, about all the times I have been rejected and about the people who rejected me in one form or fashion ...but what is the use? I am forgiving those people and I am understanding that God does not want me to live there anymore. I can no longer let my mind and heart stay on those moments of hurt and betrayal. They live in the past, and I do not. From this point, I want to remember that each incident has taught me something valuable. Something precious.
Something I read today resonated with my heart. A lady in a comment section of a blog I read stated that she read this particular book (A Confident Heart by Renee Swope) as part of her year long quest to become whole. I love the idea of a journey to wholeness, but I also believe I will not be fully whole until I die and go to be with Jesus. However, I want to journey toward that healing that Jesus took that stripes to provide me. I don't want His pain to be in vain. He did what He did to set me (and you) free! I don't want to scoff at that and continue to wallow in my self-pity. That is not the place where a daughter of God belongs.
In my mind (working toward getting it to my heart) I know I am the daughter of the Most High God. I was created by the God of the Universe for a special purpose. I have to stop living amongst the pigs and eating the slop when I was made to dine at His table. I have to stop letting the shadow of doubt cloud my vision of who I am in Jesus. I have to leave my torn and frayed garments and put on the robe of righteousness that Jesus gave me on that Cross at Calvary. He died for it. I believe it, I accepted it and now, I receive it. I was made for more than this. I was made to be with Him. I was chosen. God knew all about me and STILL chose to call me to Him!! How exciting it is to be His child. Thank you Lord when you give me glimpses of your infinite, overwhelming love. My prayer is that as I take this journey toward healing, the knowledge will make the progression from my head to my heart.
I pray this for every person on Earth. I pray everyone will know who they are to God, the living and breathing ONLY God..to accept the free gift of salvation and to begin their own journey toward healing. God is love and God is good.
Anyway, back to work. As I said, I want this job to be different. Correction, I want ME to be different in this job and the war that I usually fight (in regards to a job) six or so months down the road began almost immediately. I don't want to let my thoughts become reality and I do not want to run away from my healing again. I don't want Satan and his lies to cause me to burn any more bridges.
*** I am taking a stand against the devil. Back off Satan. I bind you in the name of Jesus. By the authority of the Most High God, and Lord Jesus, you have NO operating room in my mind anymore. This is your eviction notice. You have to leave. You are defeated, but I AM NOT! PRAISE GOD!!!!***
This is an exciting time, but also a scary one. This is a time of prayer and I need some prayer warriors. Sadly, I don't have many, if any, friends. I do know that everything happens in Gods timing and right now I have exactly what I need. He will send to me what I need. I am deciding to trust Him....and ride this out...
IF you happen to read this blog, and it crosses your mind, would you send up a prayer for me!?
Thanks!
Tiffany
