Butterfly

Events of the last 18 hours have me thinking. Once again, my oldest has pulled one of her shenanigans. In the past, one of these episodes would've sent me into a downward spiral of crying and anger. I would have been upset at my stomach for most of the night and I would have wasted time wondering what it was going to take to get my child to see the error of her ways.  While I am embarrassed with what she did, I have a peace in my soul. This peace ONLY comes from God. While she will have to endure the consequences for her actions, I have confidence that God will take even this and work it out for her good.

When I was a teenager, I did any and everything I thought I was grown enough to do.  It started in 7th grade. I started stealing from the people for whom I would babysit. I got into my first fight at school when I was in the 7th grade also. When I finally got into High School, I became sexually active at the age of 14. When I was 16,  I got busted for sneaking out of the house while my mother was working nights. When I was 17, threw a party in my parent's home while they were away. When I was 18, I started smoking weed occasionally and drinking. Having enough of my rebellious behavior, a few days after graduating from Riverdale, my mother kicked me out of her house. It was the 4th of July weekend to be exact. I lived on the street and in my car for a while. I then found myself living from house to house with whomever would take me in. When I was 19, I became pregnant out of wedlock.

The whole of my teen-age existence was spent in rebellion...I gave my dear parents so many sleepless nights and caused so many days of worry and anxiety.  I know my Mama tried everything she knew how to try and save me from my destructive ways. Looking back, I know that no matter what would have happened to me, I would have still continued doing whatever it was I "thought" I wanted to do.  Even though I knew consequences for my actions would have to be paid, I still took the chance that I may not get caught.

I always got caught.

When I look back over my teenage years, I see God's fingerprints all over the messes I made. Even when I was spending my time in complete rebellion, He was still watching over me and keeping me. He was still guiding and shaping my life. When I shattered a part of my existance, God was there, picking up the broken pieces, somehow making those broken pieces part of a beautiful creation.

The Love that God showed to me is the reason I can have peace even when my daughter does stupid stuff. I know that I am trying my best to give her a foundation in the Lord. I know that she knows right from wrong. I know and believe when scripture tells me to"train up my child in the way she should go, and when she is old, she will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). I also believe in prayer and I am going to stand in the gap and pray for God's hands to be all over her like they were me. Even when it doesn't look like she has God in her life, I know she does. I also know that my child is so much like me that her best teacher will be the consequences of life. I am fully aware that I could also be reaping what I've sown.

Since becoming an adult, butterflies have come to mean a lot to me. Butterflies are beauty personified. They being life as an ugly creature, and by grace, they undergo a transformation that includes struggle and pain before emerging as the Beauty that God intended.
 I see our lives as that of a butterfly. While we are here on earth, we are like the caterpillar...crawling along the ground, trying to find our way...then when we find THE WAY, THE TRUTH, and THE LIGHT /Jesus wraps us in a protective cocoon of God's mercy and love.  This cocoon, fashioned from the Love of God, is one where He begins the work of cleaning up our lives. We may struggle against this change like a wiggly two year old when getting his faced washed, but God always wins. Our cocoon is the protection and provision that God has for His children. When we die (if we have been saved), we are born into Heaven as a beautiful creation. Perfect and lacking in nothing.  Butterflies are God's reminder to me of how much He loves me.

I am so thankful that even when we are at our ugliest and our most rebellious, God still loves us. He is still willing to clean up our lives if only we will say yes to Him. Because of God's unfailing love, I KNOW my child will be ok. I know that I know that I know, and because I know...it is well with my soul.

Turning this ship around

I got on my scale this morning and wanted to cry. 257 lbs. 100 lbs. more than I weighed in high school. Well, that's not exactly true, I weighed 185 when I crossed the stage to get my diploma, but still! What's sad is I am still 22 lbs. less than my highest weight. Wow...

I have been thinking. Success is about choices, a series of good choices that is. I choose what I will put in my mouth, good or bad. I have been choosing bad and what is easy. I deserve more than that. I need my body to run well and efficiently...and I have not been giving it the fuel to make sure it runs properly. It's been getting sugar and fat and fast food ...just plain JUNK...and I guess in a way I have been punishing myself. Maybe I did not think I deserved to be healthy. I don't know...all I know is I gave up on me a LONG time ago because I do not feel as if I am worth the trouble it takes to get healthy...but I don't want to be unhealthy...SO...now is the time to change...

I ate a protein filled breakfast this morning and I am going to grab a v-8 in a while. I don't have any fruit in the house right now,so I am about to change that. I also need veggies. I know I can do this. I know each day will be filled with several little choices to make. I will make either a healthy or an unhealthy choice...and with God's help, I plan to make healthy choices.

Please say a prayer for me. I don't want to quit again. I don't want to go back to my old lifestyle of stuffing myself until my side hurts...or eating so much sugar before bed that I feel sluggish....Please help me by lifting me up in prayer that I will be able to make healthy choices....each and every day.

Ok...so now what?

So I am writing in purple today because purple calms me. No, I am not in a bad mood or upset or anxious. I am just...tired.....I say that often and I think it has lost it's meaning to my family...but truthfully, I am worn out. I am sure this is something every mother feels...worn out...We care for our families and do so much in our daily lives that we rarely have time for us. You know what I have discovered about myself? When I am very stressed and have a lot to do, I don't DO anything.  I am the type of person who hides from responsibility for a while and then I gripe about it for a while longer...then I finally jump into action. Action calms me. Accomplishing things on the ever-present "to-do" list empowers me.

I have watched the craziness this week. I am getting ready to open my daycare again. I have been running around like a mad woman trying to get everything ready and have my house in perfect order again. In doing all of that running around, I have found that I have been in a foul mood. I keep looking for places to situate the blame, but if I am telling the truth, the blame is squarely on my shoulders. I have high expectations of myself and that leads me to rebellion. It's a frustrating mind game I play with myself. I wonder why I do this. I get so mad when I have so many things to do...but I am the one giving myself this "to-do" list....*sigh* Sounds to me like I am not happy unless I am unhappy...
UGH we have to change this.

So, now what?  I have to take action to decide what is important and what I can live without doing. I have to decide if something I am stressing about will matter in 5 years...heck...in 5 days...and if it doesn't then...poof...it can disappear.

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend and he said "seems like you are uptight about everything" and my answer to him was " I AM" .....so why am I so uptight...again, we go back to expectations. I have to let expectations go. I also realized that much of my stress comes from my lack of trust in God...that hurt to say...but I haven't been trusting God like I would like to belive I have been. Truth of the matter is I have not trusted Him at all. This is most apparent in my finances right now. Since I have not been working, money has been tight (which is the reason I am reopening my daycare). I hate when money is tight..especially when we have a vacation planned with Terrance's family.

I have been allowing this upcoming vacation and the worry over money make me sick to my stomach...in my mind we need a certain amount of money to accomplish all on this vacation we need to accomplish...once agian, if I peel back the layers, I notice that my stress is all built upon expectations I have placed on myself/this vacation/my family. I haven't trusted God. I have been doing some things to earn money, but my trust was not in God. If He is who He says He is (and I belive that He IS) then I have to know that He will take care of our needs and even the vacation (which will be a family bonding event) will work out the way He intended.

Oh me of little faith!

So...the now what will be answered this way: I will trust God...TRUST that the money will be there, that He loves me, that He is taking care of me, that He is ABLE fully to do all that He says He will do...I pay tithes and offerings..and even when things are tight, I still give to Him....so I have to TRUST in HIS kingdom principals. I have to TRUST in the God who cannot fail. And even when thigns don't turn out the way *I* think they should, I have to know that He has a better plan.

Ok..so today I am making the decison that I will not think about tomorrow..I will focus on today. I will not get overwhelmed with the "now what" and I will re-examine the expectations I have placed on myself, my life,  my family, my husband, my environment...I will decided to stop obsessing and start praising GOD for all that I do have. I will let this day be all I wrap my mind around...and I will leave the rest to God...