Today is the one day of the week with which I have a love/hate realtionship. Okay, thats not entirely true...Mondays are like that for me also. Anyway, I digress...
Sundays are wonderful days because I get to go to church and then the rest of the day is usually a quiet family day. Sundays are the days I may actually get to do some reading or planning or whatever I allow myself to do. Sundays are restful days.
However, I hate Sundays too. For one thing, I am NOT a morning person. I am mean in the mornings...just ask my family. Don't talk to me, don't look at me..don't come near me in the morning or you will get the fangs....I hate that I am like this, and would love to change it, but I really think it is a chemical imbalance in my brain. Hard as I may try, mornings are horrible. Sunday mornings are really hard because I am supposed to be getting myself ready to go the God's house and fellowship in worship with other believers. I feel like a fraud on Sunday mornings when I walk through the doors to church, because just an hour earlier, I was staning in the mirror cussing at my hair.
So, while I am sitting her this Sunday, I purpose that maybe I need to get up an hour before everyone else so I will be at least civil to my poor family. I need to try that. Unfortunately, since Isaiah has super sonic Mommy radar...he will be up before me...even if it is before the roosters crow.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Last blog from Myspace
June 25, 2008 - Wednesday
His love letter to me Category: Life
I looked across the fields of wheat today as I drove along I-24. The honey colored waves of grain stood impressively against a lush green background. The trees, the grass, the plants all seems to be applauding. The sky, the color of a robins egg, was bright with the sparkiling sun. The clouds were huge and puffy and reminded me of marshmallows. I cracked the window a little and inhaled deeply, and was immediately filled with a sense of peace that I had not experienced in a few days. As I looked at the beautiful scenery, my heart swelled... and I thought, He loves me...He shows me every single day...He loves me.
The Creator of this universe, Ruler of all things, Lord of lord, King of kings loves ME???? How could this be? I am wretched, I am filthy, I get angry and blow up at my kids, I gossip too much, I am filled with hatred at times, I cuss, I fuss, I am not very nice to people at times, I have periods of unbelief, I act like a jerk, I am a hethan... how could HE love ME? Tears formed in my eyes as I thought about this. I seem to spend most of my time trying to prove to someone I am worthy, I am good enough, and I am loveable, but I fail every single day.I fall short of who I SHOULD be. But, but, but......HE LOVES ME...He wrote me a love letter years ago,He gave me instructions on how to live my life, He sent His son to DIE, to give HIS life , for me. He told me He would never leave me, nor forsake me...He promised...
I look at the trees, the grass, the plants, the sky, the clouds, I notice the song of the birds, the feel of a summer rain...the sound of my kids laughing. Then I realize, they were all presents for ME...He made them for me, the sinful and horrible person that I am. He made the world to worship Him, but He also made these things for me...they are His gifts to the person He loves. He sent HIS child to die for my sins because HE loves ME. I am truly humbled by this thought and then something else occured to me...
It is not about me, and what I am or am not, it is not about MY accomplishments or MY goodness (when I am good) or anything to do with me, but HE loves ME because of who HE is...HE is love...even when bad things happen, HE is love...when good things happen...HE is love when we need him, and even when we try to do this thing called life on our own..HE is love...HE never changes, HE never fails.....HE is the same, yesterday, today and forever...and not only does HE love me....
He loves you, too!
His love letter to me Category: Life
I looked across the fields of wheat today as I drove along I-24. The honey colored waves of grain stood impressively against a lush green background. The trees, the grass, the plants all seems to be applauding. The sky, the color of a robins egg, was bright with the sparkiling sun. The clouds were huge and puffy and reminded me of marshmallows. I cracked the window a little and inhaled deeply, and was immediately filled with a sense of peace that I had not experienced in a few days. As I looked at the beautiful scenery, my heart swelled... and I thought, He loves me...He shows me every single day...He loves me.
The Creator of this universe, Ruler of all things, Lord of lord, King of kings loves ME???? How could this be? I am wretched, I am filthy, I get angry and blow up at my kids, I gossip too much, I am filled with hatred at times, I cuss, I fuss, I am not very nice to people at times, I have periods of unbelief, I act like a jerk, I am a hethan... how could HE love ME? Tears formed in my eyes as I thought about this. I seem to spend most of my time trying to prove to someone I am worthy, I am good enough, and I am loveable, but I fail every single day.I fall short of who I SHOULD be. But, but, but......HE LOVES ME...He wrote me a love letter years ago,He gave me instructions on how to live my life, He sent His son to DIE, to give HIS life , for me. He told me He would never leave me, nor forsake me...He promised...
I look at the trees, the grass, the plants, the sky, the clouds, I notice the song of the birds, the feel of a summer rain...the sound of my kids laughing. Then I realize, they were all presents for ME...He made them for me, the sinful and horrible person that I am. He made the world to worship Him, but He also made these things for me...they are His gifts to the person He loves. He sent HIS child to die for my sins because HE loves ME. I am truly humbled by this thought and then something else occured to me...
It is not about me, and what I am or am not, it is not about MY accomplishments or MY goodness (when I am good) or anything to do with me, but HE loves ME because of who HE is...HE is love...even when bad things happen, HE is love...when good things happen...HE is love when we need him, and even when we try to do this thing called life on our own..HE is love...HE never changes, HE never fails.....HE is the same, yesterday, today and forever...and not only does HE love me....
He loves you, too!
More from Myspace
July 12, 2008 - Saturday
Lost and found
This morning, a dear friend shared a YouTube video with me that has since taken me on a journey . Today I climbed mountains of pride, and slunk through valleys of shame and guilt. I was visited by ghosts of regret and confusion. I swam in a river of self-loathing that was so cold, I feel the iciness of pain lingering on my thoughts. I finally settled in a place of peace that feels as comfortable as the cool summer grass between my toes. I cried tears of release that were so sweet, I wanted to nap afterward. My soul was tired.
Today's journey took me back to summers where all I wanted to do was play outside and splash in the sprinkler, eat a popcicle, and when the day was over, slide between sheets that had been freshly laundered and hung outside to dry. I longed for the days when my parents made all the decisions and my job was just to be a kid and do kid things. I missed catching lightening bugs and going to my grandmother's house.
I thought about the later years that were much darker. The years that came after my parents divorce. Let me preface this by saying that I don't blame my parent's divorce for my choices when I was a teenager. In fact, in a strange way, I know that thier divorce was a blessing. It was something that was necessary for my parents so they could grow into the people they are today. I believe with my heart, thier divorce was necessary for the three children that were a product of thier marriage.
After my Daddy moved out, and my Mom went to work being a single parent, I was so desperate for love and attention that I went from being a cleptomaniac to being very promiscuous. I wanted love and approval and attention. I had a hole in my heart and in my soul, I was was searching desperately for SOMETHING, ANYTHING to fill that void. I looked to boys, I looked to stealing things, I looked to food. I searched for approval from friends. My "real" self did not want to be a "bad" child. In fact, who I really was got smothered when I decided that they only way someone would LOVE me was if I manipulated them into doing so.
It was not until years later that I realized that the void I was feeling and trying to feed with sex, friends, and food, was a void that only God can fill. I will get to that a little more later.
I made it through my teenage years a very hurt, bitter, and confused young lady. Who I was created to be was at war with who I was trying to be. I tried so hard to be something that I was not, and yet I did not know who exactly or what I was trying to be. I just know I wanted to be loved. Unconditionally. I wanted someone to look at me and tell me that no matter how much I messed up, they would NEVER leave me. They would NEVER give up on me, and they loved me. I desperately needed someone to love me wheather I deserved it or not. Most of the time, my actions made it hard to love me.
Fast forward to 1994. I was 19, unmarried, homeless, and pregnant. I thought that having a baby would fill the void that was in my heart (no that is not why I got pregnant). But even though Jazmyne's birth saved my life, the void was still there.
When Jazmyne was almost two, God brought Terrance into our lives, and he began to love me for me. Not because of sex, because we were not doing that. He accepted me as I was. The whole me, including the scars, the insecurites, the past, the unknown, and even through his family's initial disapproval. Terrance was very different than anyone I had been with. He was a Christain, and was a gentleman.
Although I finally had someone in my life that loved me, I still had that giant void.
Now let me say that growing up, I knew about God, and became saved somewhere between the ages of 11 and 13. My family did not attend church regularly, but I knew enough about Him to know I wanted to go to Heaven and I knew that Jesus was the way to get there. Still, I thought that God loved me based on my preformance, and as hard as I would try, I just could not make myself be good enough. I often felt shameful and that God really could not love someone like me...I battled with feelings of not being saved. I battled feelings of not ever being good enough or deserving enough, even though with all my heart I longed for Jesus and to be loved by God.
What I did not realize, and what came to me just within the last few years, is that God loved me anyway...He knew all about me. He knew my struggles and my past, He loved me anyway. He saw( and still sees) past all of that. He knows about the men I slept with (or should I say boys), he knew about the lies, the drugs, the stealing. He knew my shame and loved me anyway. He also never asked me to change myself, but it was through Him that I learned I could not change myself anyway. God had to do it. God had to take that mess I created and clean it up. He wanted to, He loves me, so He began to change me.
I wish I could say that transformation in my life happened overnight, but God does not work that way. I fully believe that with God, he only gives us as much as we can handle and the ultimate desire of God's is that we desire Him more. We go through times of trials, and tests, and hurts, and He teaches us, and He molds us. We have absolutely NO power to do anything on our own. He does it all, He paid for it all...because He loves us.
Many people think that they have to "clean themselves up" before beginning a relationship with God. I was one of those people who thought that way. That is just SO not true. Many people think that as soon as they become saved, they have to stop doing this or that, but you know what....even that is not true. All that God really requires is a yeilded heart. He gave His son Jesus, and all God asks is that we ask Jesus in our hearts and we love Him. All God wants is our hearts and our love. He does the rest. He cleans us up. He takes to desire for sins away. He does that. All we have to do it let him. So, I let Him.
One day, Terrance and I had been arguing. Usually when we argue, it is because I push us to that point.I usually get aggitated and push us to that point when I am feeling insecure or looking to my husband to meet all my needs. Let me tell you this, no one human on this Earth will EVER EVER EVER be able to meet all your needs...no matter how much they love you, and Terrance loves me.Anyway, I digress...we had been arguing and Terrance left. He needed a break and so he left. I fell to my knees and prayed for God to change Terrance....LOL...you know what God did? He let me know right then and there that I was the one He would be changing. He also let me know that no matter WHO was in my life or WHAT was going on...He was the only one that could fulfill me in any way, He was the only one that could change people or circumstances.
God also let me know that even if Terrance NEVER came back, and decided he did not want to be married, God was NEVER going to leave me...He was all I needed...HE loves me, always has and always will . All I had to do is just trust him...By the way, Terrance came back (obviously).
Let me tell you, since that very day, I know that my realtionship with Jesus is a very personal one. He knows me, and He fills my void. He is the one my soul has longed for forever. He is the one that will not leave me, He wont turn his back on me. It took 33 years to know that ...but I am so glad that I do know that now.
So this morning when I was watching the YouTube video, the song Amazing Grace was playing and it rang true for me....I once was lost, but now I'm found ....was blind, but now....I see.
Lost and found
This morning, a dear friend shared a YouTube video with me that has since taken me on a journey . Today I climbed mountains of pride, and slunk through valleys of shame and guilt. I was visited by ghosts of regret and confusion. I swam in a river of self-loathing that was so cold, I feel the iciness of pain lingering on my thoughts. I finally settled in a place of peace that feels as comfortable as the cool summer grass between my toes. I cried tears of release that were so sweet, I wanted to nap afterward. My soul was tired.
Today's journey took me back to summers where all I wanted to do was play outside and splash in the sprinkler, eat a popcicle, and when the day was over, slide between sheets that had been freshly laundered and hung outside to dry. I longed for the days when my parents made all the decisions and my job was just to be a kid and do kid things. I missed catching lightening bugs and going to my grandmother's house.
I thought about the later years that were much darker. The years that came after my parents divorce. Let me preface this by saying that I don't blame my parent's divorce for my choices when I was a teenager. In fact, in a strange way, I know that thier divorce was a blessing. It was something that was necessary for my parents so they could grow into the people they are today. I believe with my heart, thier divorce was necessary for the three children that were a product of thier marriage.
After my Daddy moved out, and my Mom went to work being a single parent, I was so desperate for love and attention that I went from being a cleptomaniac to being very promiscuous. I wanted love and approval and attention. I had a hole in my heart and in my soul, I was was searching desperately for SOMETHING, ANYTHING to fill that void. I looked to boys, I looked to stealing things, I looked to food. I searched for approval from friends. My "real" self did not want to be a "bad" child. In fact, who I really was got smothered when I decided that they only way someone would LOVE me was if I manipulated them into doing so.
It was not until years later that I realized that the void I was feeling and trying to feed with sex, friends, and food, was a void that only God can fill. I will get to that a little more later.
I made it through my teenage years a very hurt, bitter, and confused young lady. Who I was created to be was at war with who I was trying to be. I tried so hard to be something that I was not, and yet I did not know who exactly or what I was trying to be. I just know I wanted to be loved. Unconditionally. I wanted someone to look at me and tell me that no matter how much I messed up, they would NEVER leave me. They would NEVER give up on me, and they loved me. I desperately needed someone to love me wheather I deserved it or not. Most of the time, my actions made it hard to love me.
Fast forward to 1994. I was 19, unmarried, homeless, and pregnant. I thought that having a baby would fill the void that was in my heart (no that is not why I got pregnant). But even though Jazmyne's birth saved my life, the void was still there.
When Jazmyne was almost two, God brought Terrance into our lives, and he began to love me for me. Not because of sex, because we were not doing that. He accepted me as I was. The whole me, including the scars, the insecurites, the past, the unknown, and even through his family's initial disapproval. Terrance was very different than anyone I had been with. He was a Christain, and was a gentleman.
Although I finally had someone in my life that loved me, I still had that giant void.
Now let me say that growing up, I knew about God, and became saved somewhere between the ages of 11 and 13. My family did not attend church regularly, but I knew enough about Him to know I wanted to go to Heaven and I knew that Jesus was the way to get there. Still, I thought that God loved me based on my preformance, and as hard as I would try, I just could not make myself be good enough. I often felt shameful and that God really could not love someone like me...I battled with feelings of not being saved. I battled feelings of not ever being good enough or deserving enough, even though with all my heart I longed for Jesus and to be loved by God.
What I did not realize, and what came to me just within the last few years, is that God loved me anyway...He knew all about me. He knew my struggles and my past, He loved me anyway. He saw( and still sees) past all of that. He knows about the men I slept with (or should I say boys), he knew about the lies, the drugs, the stealing. He knew my shame and loved me anyway. He also never asked me to change myself, but it was through Him that I learned I could not change myself anyway. God had to do it. God had to take that mess I created and clean it up. He wanted to, He loves me, so He began to change me.
I wish I could say that transformation in my life happened overnight, but God does not work that way. I fully believe that with God, he only gives us as much as we can handle and the ultimate desire of God's is that we desire Him more. We go through times of trials, and tests, and hurts, and He teaches us, and He molds us. We have absolutely NO power to do anything on our own. He does it all, He paid for it all...because He loves us.
Many people think that they have to "clean themselves up" before beginning a relationship with God. I was one of those people who thought that way. That is just SO not true. Many people think that as soon as they become saved, they have to stop doing this or that, but you know what....even that is not true. All that God really requires is a yeilded heart. He gave His son Jesus, and all God asks is that we ask Jesus in our hearts and we love Him. All God wants is our hearts and our love. He does the rest. He cleans us up. He takes to desire for sins away. He does that. All we have to do it let him. So, I let Him.
One day, Terrance and I had been arguing. Usually when we argue, it is because I push us to that point.I usually get aggitated and push us to that point when I am feeling insecure or looking to my husband to meet all my needs. Let me tell you this, no one human on this Earth will EVER EVER EVER be able to meet all your needs...no matter how much they love you, and Terrance loves me.Anyway, I digress...we had been arguing and Terrance left. He needed a break and so he left. I fell to my knees and prayed for God to change Terrance....LOL...you know what God did? He let me know right then and there that I was the one He would be changing. He also let me know that no matter WHO was in my life or WHAT was going on...He was the only one that could fulfill me in any way, He was the only one that could change people or circumstances.
God also let me know that even if Terrance NEVER came back, and decided he did not want to be married, God was NEVER going to leave me...He was all I needed...HE loves me, always has and always will . All I had to do is just trust him...By the way, Terrance came back (obviously).
Let me tell you, since that very day, I know that my realtionship with Jesus is a very personal one. He knows me, and He fills my void. He is the one my soul has longed for forever. He is the one that will not leave me, He wont turn his back on me. It took 33 years to know that ...but I am so glad that I do know that now.
So this morning when I was watching the YouTube video, the song Amazing Grace was playing and it rang true for me....I once was lost, but now I'm found ....was blind, but now....I see.
Things I blogged about on Myspace
Below is a blog from my Myspace, and I just wanted to share on here too:
I just finished reading a book called The Shack. It was written by William P Young and it was told to him by Mackenzie Allan Phillips. This book is about Mackenzie Allen Phillips youngest daughter Missy. She was abducted during a family vacation and evidence that she may have been brutally murdered is found at an old abandoned shack deep in the Oregon wilderness. A sadness settles on Mack, this he called The Great Sadness and it lasted four years. One day into the fourth year, Mack received a suspicious note. This note was from God, inviting Mack to come back to the shack for a weekend.
He did not want to go, but Mack went anyway. As Mack walked back into his deepenst nightmare, he found a change that changed his world forever.
This book has changed my own life, and my view of God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit. My shoes were knocked off...my mind has been changed. I am being set free..and He wants that for you.
This is a true story. Missy and Mack are real, and I believe with all my heart that what Mack experienced was real too. This book told me so much more about who God , Jesus and the Holy Spirit are than the world or even the best intentioned pastors have ever related to me. (With the exception of Pastor Dave at The Well in Murfreesboro, he is how I got this book).
If you have ever wondered if there is a God, I challenge you to read this book.
We humans mess up who God really is and and we put him in a box with all these rules that we have to follo, and all these things that people tell us we have to do to get to Heaven. What we dont realize is that Jesus took away the law...the rules, and he covered all of our sins, past, present ,and future....He did that because He loves us...it is not a conditional love based on our performance or how good we are...He just loves us. He is Love the verb.
If you dont believe in God, I submit to you that He believes in you, and he loves you more than your human mind could ever imagine. He does not require you to change before you come to Him, cause you cannot change yourself anyway. All He wants is a relationship with you. Just as you are. He loves you no matter how much you think you have messed up. He is bigger than any mess we could ever make and he just wants to clean us up and love us and heal our hurts. He is just all that and so much more.
If you read this book, it will change your mind and your heart. You will never look at another person the same way, and you will never look at yourself or God the same way. He is so awesome and so wonderful and so loving...and He knows and loves us so much. He does not expect perfection, He really does not expect anything from us. He just desires a relationship. He is not interested in a "check the box" religion where you make sure you read the Bible every day and go to church every time the doors are open. He is not interested in the routine of religion and truly with God, nothing is routine. He does not force himself on us. He is a gentleman and truly he knocks at the door of your heart and just wants you to open up and invite Him in.
If you are interested in reading this book, I have a copy I can let you borrow...heck, I will even buy the book for you...just message me....my desire is that you know God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for what they are....and they are Love...He is love....and we were created to be smack dab in the middle of that love.
is a blog from Myspace that I wrote a while ago. I just wanted to share here.
I just finished reading a book called The Shack. It was written by William P Young and it was told to him by Mackenzie Allan Phillips. This book is about Mackenzie Allen Phillips youngest daughter Missy. She was abducted during a family vacation and evidence that she may have been brutally murdered is found at an old abandoned shack deep in the Oregon wilderness. A sadness settles on Mack, this he called The Great Sadness and it lasted four years. One day into the fourth year, Mack received a suspicious note. This note was from God, inviting Mack to come back to the shack for a weekend.
He did not want to go, but Mack went anyway. As Mack walked back into his deepenst nightmare, he found a change that changed his world forever.
This book has changed my own life, and my view of God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit. My shoes were knocked off...my mind has been changed. I am being set free..and He wants that for you.
This is a true story. Missy and Mack are real, and I believe with all my heart that what Mack experienced was real too. This book told me so much more about who God , Jesus and the Holy Spirit are than the world or even the best intentioned pastors have ever related to me. (With the exception of Pastor Dave at The Well in Murfreesboro, he is how I got this book).
If you have ever wondered if there is a God, I challenge you to read this book.
We humans mess up who God really is and and we put him in a box with all these rules that we have to follo, and all these things that people tell us we have to do to get to Heaven. What we dont realize is that Jesus took away the law...the rules, and he covered all of our sins, past, present ,and future....He did that because He loves us...it is not a conditional love based on our performance or how good we are...He just loves us. He is Love the verb.
If you dont believe in God, I submit to you that He believes in you, and he loves you more than your human mind could ever imagine. He does not require you to change before you come to Him, cause you cannot change yourself anyway. All He wants is a relationship with you. Just as you are. He loves you no matter how much you think you have messed up. He is bigger than any mess we could ever make and he just wants to clean us up and love us and heal our hurts. He is just all that and so much more.
If you read this book, it will change your mind and your heart. You will never look at another person the same way, and you will never look at yourself or God the same way. He is so awesome and so wonderful and so loving...and He knows and loves us so much. He does not expect perfection, He really does not expect anything from us. He just desires a relationship. He is not interested in a "check the box" religion where you make sure you read the Bible every day and go to church every time the doors are open. He is not interested in the routine of religion and truly with God, nothing is routine. He does not force himself on us. He is a gentleman and truly he knocks at the door of your heart and just wants you to open up and invite Him in.
If you are interested in reading this book, I have a copy I can let you borrow...heck, I will even buy the book for you...just message me....my desire is that you know God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for what they are....and they are Love...He is love....and we were created to be smack dab in the middle of that love.
is a blog from Myspace that I wrote a while ago. I just wanted to share here.
Take One
I guess I am a statistic. Someone whom begins a blog at the beginning of a new year. Oh well, we all have to start somewhere, right?
First, let me tell you about me. I am 33 years old, married to T, Mama to three kids. One daughter and two sons. I am an Army wife and a Stay-at-home Mom. I am in the process of returning to school to FINALLY finish my degree. I am constantly battling my weight, and thus far, I am losing the battle.
I made a promise to myself that 2009 would be different in so many ways. I promised to do what ever it takes to get healthy. Three days into this year and I am rockin' my commitment. I will definatley be posting about my weight trials. I will be blogging about life in general and I am going to talk a WHOLE lot about God. Without HIM, I am nothing. Without HIM, I can do NOTHING...but through HIM I can do everything
. His Grace and Mercy are the source of my Joy. Jesus is the love of my life and as I grow, he is becoming my best friend.
I am so thankful for the wonderful husband God gave me and the three beautiful kids with whom God trusted me.
I am living in Alabama now, but my hometown in Murfreesboro, TN. I miss Tennessee sometimes, and I miss my family.
I look forward to learning more about myself through the blogging process, and along that journey, I will try not to bore too many of you to tears.
First, let me tell you about me. I am 33 years old, married to T, Mama to three kids. One daughter and two sons. I am an Army wife and a Stay-at-home Mom. I am in the process of returning to school to FINALLY finish my degree. I am constantly battling my weight, and thus far, I am losing the battle.
I made a promise to myself that 2009 would be different in so many ways. I promised to do what ever it takes to get healthy. Three days into this year and I am rockin' my commitment. I will definatley be posting about my weight trials. I will be blogging about life in general and I am going to talk a WHOLE lot about God. Without HIM, I am nothing. Without HIM, I can do NOTHING...but through HIM I can do everything
. His Grace and Mercy are the source of my Joy. Jesus is the love of my life and as I grow, he is becoming my best friend.
I am so thankful for the wonderful husband God gave me and the three beautiful kids with whom God trusted me.
I am living in Alabama now, but my hometown in Murfreesboro, TN. I miss Tennessee sometimes, and I miss my family.
I look forward to learning more about myself through the blogging process, and along that journey, I will try not to bore too many of you to tears.
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