Sometimes, deciding to love myself is the hardest.

Today is a strange day. Well, when are the days not strange..but I digress.

Seeing Oprah today has me thinking. It's not anything she said or her show because I really don't watch her show anymore. I was just looking at her.
Everyone knows she has publically struggled with her weight forever. To me, Oprah is beautiful...fat or thin. She seems to embrace her body...at least now she does and she seems very comfortable in her skin. Oh, how I long to feel that way about my body .  How I long to be comfortable with my batwings and droopy skin...
 I had high hopes for a reshaped body when I began my weight loss journey. I just knew my stomach would shrink along with the rest of my body. Sadly, my stomach looks the same...only slightly smaller...instead of looking 9 months pregnant, I look maybe 6 months...  My stomach still hangs and my arms will probably always have batwings (although my biceps and shoulders are looking a bit impressive even with all the fat still there) . My thighs will probably ALWAYS be large and really, that part is ok with me because I can see the muscles in them now even if the muscles are a bit cellulite covered. Having a large body never bothered me much because I have never ever been thin..even in high school I was thick...and I don't mind having a big butt or legs or hips...I just hate my stomach...I wish that would go away...
 As silly as it sounds I am saddest about my butt. I am getting that old white lady square-shaped butt. I HATE that. My husband is a butt man...and mine used to be...well...big but shapely. I guess years of being obese and the sad reality that I am getting older is showing up in the flat funny shaped white lady butt...UGH!!! I wish I could reshape my butt into something that resembles Jennifer Lopez's hiney(a girl can dream can't she)...but unless I plan on plastic surgery and butt implants, I don't see that happening. Guess I will have to live with that.

Truthfully, my butt and stomach was not the real reason I wanted to write today. I wanted to write because I long to love myself. I long to love myself in my own skin. I want to celebrate that I have lost 42lbs..and while I am nowhere NEAR my goal, I have come a decent way from being the 262 lbs. I once was. I want to enjoy the muscles I see in my arms and legs and I want to enjoy the smaller shape of my face and the cheekbones that have reappeared.
Sadly, when I look in the mirror, I only see the same ole fat tummy hanging down below my pelvic region and the flappy batwings...I only see the weight I still need to lose and I am still very self-conscious. I see the dark hair on my face and the fact that it looks like i have a goatee because of my lovely PCOS. I only see the icky stuff that needs to change. I see the fat that is above my belly button and I long for the days of a flatter upper stomach before I had my second and third child.

I have started to wonder if God wants me to learn to accept where I am before He allows me to go any further in my weight loss. I am also still struggling with my food addiction issues. I LOVE to eat. Let me say this...I have learned over the last few weeks that I DON'T love the way I feel after eating copious amounts of sugar and fat. I hate the lethargic feeling that follows me like a hangover the next day. I hate the guilt and those feeling are enough to make me think twice about gorging on cookies and cheeseburgers.

Anyway, I really want to learn to love myself no matter where I am on this weight loss or any other life journey God brings me through. I want to learn to nourish not only my body, but my soul with good foods (literally and figuratively). I want to look in the mirror and see the beauty in a body that nourished, grew and birthed by C-section three gorgeous kids. I want to see the curves that my husband delights in. I want to see the beauty of God's creation instead of looking at myself with disgust.

I hope that as I continue this weight loss journey, I will also take a journey to self acceptance. Just like I had to decide that enough was enough with my weight, I have to decided to love myself..and that will be the hardest part of all...

Where am I now?

Well, I just read the last post I wrote two months ago...and I am proud to say I am now at 42 lbs down...LOL...I will take it being as I have really been stuck and in a cycle of up and down for quite some time. A few days ago, I had to have an honest look at myself. This is what I discovered. I have not been working the program the way I did in the beginning. I eat well and exercise 5 days a week...the other 2 are a free for all with little to no exercise. I have gotten really comfortable where I am and I did not want to admit that I just was kind of half-assing things. I wanted to pretend I was still working this program the way I did in the beginning and just wasn't losing any weight. Lies! That was a bunch of LIES....and I can admit that now.

This week has been a little different. Oh, I still did my 5 days of great eating and this will be my second day of a free for all...but I really took notice of how many calories I am consuming on these days. I am ready to say I am DONE with this behavior and ready to start back giving my all for at least the next 40 lbs.

The government and health charts say I should weigh no more than 146 lbs. because I stand a mere 5 feet 3.5 inches...well, I say screw that! My goal is to get to 180. Yep..180. The last time I was 180 is when I graduated from high school 18 years ago. So, that's my goal. I will still be considered chubby, but I will be comfortable and I think 180 will be a weight at which I can maintain.  It's coming and by this time next year, I hope I will be at my goal.. It's all up to me and I am ready again.

So we are moving next month to Paducah, Ky. I am filled with excitment and trepidation. Moves are exciting because you get to start over, but then again..you have to start over. I am going to miss people I have met while being here in Alabama. God's placed some amazing women in my life and I am truly thankful for their friendship and love. However, I do know that His assignment for me is over in Alabama and something appointed by God is waiting for me in Kentucky.

This will be the first time my kids have not been in a military environment and I am a bit nervous for them. I pray they will be accepted and make friends easily. Personally, I think this will be good for them to be around some "normal" kids. Military children are special....they have to make more adjustments in the first 18 years of their lives than most people do living a lifetime. The average military child moves 5 to 7 times before they are 18. Leaving friends is always hard, and starting a new school is hard. Military kids are special but is it any wonder some of these military kids are some of the angriest children I have ever met?
Anyway, I am just praying for God to go ahead of my children and make their paths straight and give them favor with both God and men.

We are also purchasing our first home. That is exciting and scary in itself. I pray for God's guidance there, too. I cannot wait until Terrance comes home from recruiting school and we can go look at houses again. I get a little light headed when I think of it all!

Well, I am tired tonight...so I am going to go...just wanted to share a quick update.

Well...

October 16th was the last time I posted and more than likely the last time I really lost any significant weight. I have been stuck more or less in the same weight zone since October...I got to 39 lbs. gone and then it froze...well, I froze. I sit here today, 4 months later, still at the same 39 lbs gone. I have gained a few and lost the same few over the last 4 months. I have been on a self imposed plateau and I have no one to blame but myself...Then again, I am not mad at myself..I have learned that I really CAN maintain a weight loss. That is a huge victory for me because had this been any other time, I would have gone back to my old ways. While my old ways were trying desperately to take over my life again, they did not.

I changed my weigh in to Mondays hoping that it will keep me accountable on the weekends. That is when I seem to lose it as far as eating goes....but not anymore. I am asking God to pour fresh determination on me. I still have at least 50 lbs to go and right now I am focusing on the next 25.  I know I CAN do it, and I need to keep praying, asking for His help, and believing in myself.

Something else I noticed about my plateau...I stopped praying so much about my weight loss, I stopped trusting and leaning on God to be my strength and I got caught up in thinking *I* was the one in control of this. I got cocky and I fell....I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I cannot have any REAL success in weight loss or in anything in life if I leave God out of it.

Speaking of God, I just got finished reading a book called "Redeeming Love" By Francine Rivers. If you haven't read this book, then I suggest you do so. It is a powerful book that has changed my life...and it's funny because even more than anything else, God uses works of fiction and my love of reading to speak to me more than anything.

Well, it's 8:22 and I am going to the gym in a few minutes, I need to charge my MP3 player (yes I am stuck in the stone ages..thank-you-very-much) and get my water.

I think I will be writing more often now..or at least I hope so.

Here is to healthy choices and honoring God in all I do today...AMEN!