This post is really for me..I need to put it on "paper". I am sure I will get some flack for it, but I am working through my truths. I am almost 40 and I am learning to get real with myself, so here goes nothing:
It's no secret I've been on the heavier side of life for as long as I can remember. While I was not really a "fat" child, I was bigger than most and would get teased by my 'grandfather". He would say things like "look at that spare tire girl, you need to lose weight" I remember being 8 at the time. He, on the other hand, was a hateful alcoholic who beat my grandmother and my father. He is not my father's real father, therefore, not my grandfather. I am thankful. He died several years ago, and I know you are not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but I am glad he is no longer around. He was not a good "memory" for me, but I digress...
A week ago, I began my millionth excursion into the Weight Watchers world. I know their program works. I began exercising. I lost 6.8 lbs of water in the first week. This is week 2 and I have messed up for three days straight. I cannot seem to find my mojo, and really, I care, but I don't. If I am honest, I am really too tired of trying to lose weight, failing because I don't put in total effort, and then quitting. If I am honest, I don't have the want to.
I just don't WANT to put forth the exhaustive effort to lose a significant amount of weight...BUT paradoxically, I don't want to be fat either. Hence the eternal internal battle.
So what do I do? I have two options, really. Either I don't do anything and stay fat (get fatter), or I do something and lose weight....So what will it be? I wish I had the 'umph' to just do what needs to be done. I am tired of feeling like an embarrassment to my husband and my children and my co-workers, to myself. I hate that I am fat...but not enough to do anything about it. Truth is, the thought of watching what I eat, thinking about calories in versus calories out exhausts me and I become resentful of it. I resent that I have to work REALLY hard at the gym to see any results..and I also resent that I am so friggin tired that I don't want to GO to the gym. UGH...I am tired of this being an issue in my life. I just keep thinking about the thorn in Paul's flesh about which he spoke in the Bible. He said God's grace is sufficient for him...and I know God's grace is sufficient for me, too...but....
This seems to be something I am choosing..and my question to myself is why am I choosing this? What made it work the last time I lost weight and why can I not find that desire again? I am tired of failing...I am tired of hating myself...but then again...I don't care....
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
It's been a long, long time.
It seems it's been over two years since my last blog post.
So much has happened in my little life. We moved to Paducah, KY for Terrance's current assignment with the Army. My daughter graduated from high school, joined the Army, and is gone from home. I started and quit several jobs and am now working at a bank as a teller.
I like the work, but getting used to working with people requires some adjusting. Oh, and I gained back the 41 lbs I fought so hard to lose.
Jazmyne's moving out really hit me harder than I thought it would. I cried for three weeks straight when she went to basic training and I still have my moments of tears. I miss her terribly, but am thrilled that she is doing so well. I still feel as if something has died. I know in a way, it has. Our relationship, as it was, is no longer. I can no longer parent her in the way I am used to parenting her. I have to take on a new role and our relationship is being defined with new parameters. I still have my moments of mourning. After all, something old and familiar died, but just like with Fall and Winter where flowers and leaves die, there will be a Spring where there will be something beautiful and new.
Paducah has proven to be a training ground of sorts and the latest thing I am trying (with the Grace of God and through the power of His Holy Spirit) is conquering rejection and becoming whole. When I say I have been tortured by insecurity almost to a debilitating point would be an understatement. Since I began my new job, I cry often. It's usually at home, before bed, and with my husband. I cry because of my self- doubt and insecurities. I cry because relating to women is difficult for me. I cry because I know that there are some mean women there and they do nothing but talk bad about other people and OH MAN, does that hit right where my insecurities hurt. I am in the process of begging the Lord to heal me. I am learning that God will heal me, but I also have to do the work.
In the past, when work became a source of torment (or my thoughts LET work become a source of torment) I would create a problem in my mind, my actions would cause that problem to become a reality, and then I would run from the situation by abruptly quitting.
Talk about someone who has burned more bridges than she cares to remember! I have burned so many bridges, I am surprised I work anywhere. Anyway, I really want this time to be different. I don't want the same anymore. I want to stand and face my fears, to let the power of the Almighty God find me where I am, and let His healing wash over me. I don't want to be the "crazy" one at work all the time. I don't want to be bullied out by a small clique of women who have their own insecurities so they cut down others. I am better than that. I was created for more than that....I know this is my head, but somehow, I haven't let that truth in my heart just yet. I am , however, working toward that!!!
The root of my insecurities comes from rejection. I could lament here, on this blog, about all the times I have been rejected and about the people who rejected me in one form or fashion ...but what is the use? I am forgiving those people and I am understanding that God does not want me to live there anymore. I can no longer let my mind and heart stay on those moments of hurt and betrayal. They live in the past, and I do not. From this point, I want to remember that each incident has taught me something valuable. Something precious.
Something I read today resonated with my heart. A lady in a comment section of a blog I read stated that she read this particular book (A Confident Heart by Renee Swope) as part of her year long quest to become whole. I love the idea of a journey to wholeness, but I also believe I will not be fully whole until I die and go to be with Jesus. However, I want to journey toward that healing that Jesus took that stripes to provide me. I don't want His pain to be in vain. He did what He did to set me (and you) free! I don't want to scoff at that and continue to wallow in my self-pity. That is not the place where a daughter of God belongs.
In my mind (working toward getting it to my heart) I know I am the daughter of the Most High God. I was created by the God of the Universe for a special purpose. I have to stop living amongst the pigs and eating the slop when I was made to dine at His table. I have to stop letting the shadow of doubt cloud my vision of who I am in Jesus. I have to leave my torn and frayed garments and put on the robe of righteousness that Jesus gave me on that Cross at Calvary. He died for it. I believe it, I accepted it and now, I receive it. I was made for more than this. I was made to be with Him. I was chosen. God knew all about me and STILL chose to call me to Him!! How exciting it is to be His child. Thank you Lord when you give me glimpses of your infinite, overwhelming love. My prayer is that as I take this journey toward healing, the knowledge will make the progression from my head to my heart.
I pray this for every person on Earth. I pray everyone will know who they are to God, the living and breathing ONLY God..to accept the free gift of salvation and to begin their own journey toward healing. God is love and God is good.
Anyway, back to work. As I said, I want this job to be different. Correction, I want ME to be different in this job and the war that I usually fight (in regards to a job) six or so months down the road began almost immediately. I don't want to let my thoughts become reality and I do not want to run away from my healing again. I don't want Satan and his lies to cause me to burn any more bridges.
*** I am taking a stand against the devil. Back off Satan. I bind you in the name of Jesus. By the authority of the Most High God, and Lord Jesus, you have NO operating room in my mind anymore. This is your eviction notice. You have to leave. You are defeated, but I AM NOT! PRAISE GOD!!!!***
This is an exciting time, but also a scary one. This is a time of prayer and I need some prayer warriors. Sadly, I don't have many, if any, friends. I do know that everything happens in Gods timing and right now I have exactly what I need. He will send to me what I need. I am deciding to trust Him....and ride this out...
IF you happen to read this blog, and it crosses your mind, would you send up a prayer for me!?
Thanks!
Tiffany
So much has happened in my little life. We moved to Paducah, KY for Terrance's current assignment with the Army. My daughter graduated from high school, joined the Army, and is gone from home. I started and quit several jobs and am now working at a bank as a teller.
I like the work, but getting used to working with people requires some adjusting. Oh, and I gained back the 41 lbs I fought so hard to lose.
Jazmyne's moving out really hit me harder than I thought it would. I cried for three weeks straight when she went to basic training and I still have my moments of tears. I miss her terribly, but am thrilled that she is doing so well. I still feel as if something has died. I know in a way, it has. Our relationship, as it was, is no longer. I can no longer parent her in the way I am used to parenting her. I have to take on a new role and our relationship is being defined with new parameters. I still have my moments of mourning. After all, something old and familiar died, but just like with Fall and Winter where flowers and leaves die, there will be a Spring where there will be something beautiful and new.
Paducah has proven to be a training ground of sorts and the latest thing I am trying (with the Grace of God and through the power of His Holy Spirit) is conquering rejection and becoming whole. When I say I have been tortured by insecurity almost to a debilitating point would be an understatement. Since I began my new job, I cry often. It's usually at home, before bed, and with my husband. I cry because of my self- doubt and insecurities. I cry because relating to women is difficult for me. I cry because I know that there are some mean women there and they do nothing but talk bad about other people and OH MAN, does that hit right where my insecurities hurt. I am in the process of begging the Lord to heal me. I am learning that God will heal me, but I also have to do the work.
In the past, when work became a source of torment (or my thoughts LET work become a source of torment) I would create a problem in my mind, my actions would cause that problem to become a reality, and then I would run from the situation by abruptly quitting.
Talk about someone who has burned more bridges than she cares to remember! I have burned so many bridges, I am surprised I work anywhere. Anyway, I really want this time to be different. I don't want the same anymore. I want to stand and face my fears, to let the power of the Almighty God find me where I am, and let His healing wash over me. I don't want to be the "crazy" one at work all the time. I don't want to be bullied out by a small clique of women who have their own insecurities so they cut down others. I am better than that. I was created for more than that....I know this is my head, but somehow, I haven't let that truth in my heart just yet. I am , however, working toward that!!!
The root of my insecurities comes from rejection. I could lament here, on this blog, about all the times I have been rejected and about the people who rejected me in one form or fashion ...but what is the use? I am forgiving those people and I am understanding that God does not want me to live there anymore. I can no longer let my mind and heart stay on those moments of hurt and betrayal. They live in the past, and I do not. From this point, I want to remember that each incident has taught me something valuable. Something precious.
Something I read today resonated with my heart. A lady in a comment section of a blog I read stated that she read this particular book (A Confident Heart by Renee Swope) as part of her year long quest to become whole. I love the idea of a journey to wholeness, but I also believe I will not be fully whole until I die and go to be with Jesus. However, I want to journey toward that healing that Jesus took that stripes to provide me. I don't want His pain to be in vain. He did what He did to set me (and you) free! I don't want to scoff at that and continue to wallow in my self-pity. That is not the place where a daughter of God belongs.
In my mind (working toward getting it to my heart) I know I am the daughter of the Most High God. I was created by the God of the Universe for a special purpose. I have to stop living amongst the pigs and eating the slop when I was made to dine at His table. I have to stop letting the shadow of doubt cloud my vision of who I am in Jesus. I have to leave my torn and frayed garments and put on the robe of righteousness that Jesus gave me on that Cross at Calvary. He died for it. I believe it, I accepted it and now, I receive it. I was made for more than this. I was made to be with Him. I was chosen. God knew all about me and STILL chose to call me to Him!! How exciting it is to be His child. Thank you Lord when you give me glimpses of your infinite, overwhelming love. My prayer is that as I take this journey toward healing, the knowledge will make the progression from my head to my heart.
I pray this for every person on Earth. I pray everyone will know who they are to God, the living and breathing ONLY God..to accept the free gift of salvation and to begin their own journey toward healing. God is love and God is good.
Anyway, back to work. As I said, I want this job to be different. Correction, I want ME to be different in this job and the war that I usually fight (in regards to a job) six or so months down the road began almost immediately. I don't want to let my thoughts become reality and I do not want to run away from my healing again. I don't want Satan and his lies to cause me to burn any more bridges.
*** I am taking a stand against the devil. Back off Satan. I bind you in the name of Jesus. By the authority of the Most High God, and Lord Jesus, you have NO operating room in my mind anymore. This is your eviction notice. You have to leave. You are defeated, but I AM NOT! PRAISE GOD!!!!***
This is an exciting time, but also a scary one. This is a time of prayer and I need some prayer warriors. Sadly, I don't have many, if any, friends. I do know that everything happens in Gods timing and right now I have exactly what I need. He will send to me what I need. I am deciding to trust Him....and ride this out...
IF you happen to read this blog, and it crosses your mind, would you send up a prayer for me!?
Thanks!
Tiffany
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sometimes, deciding to love myself is the hardest.
Today is a strange day. Well, when are the days not strange..but I digress.
Seeing Oprah today has me thinking. It's not anything she said or her show because I really don't watch her show anymore. I was just looking at her.
Everyone knows she has publically struggled with her weight forever. To me, Oprah is beautiful...fat or thin. She seems to embrace her body...at least now she does and she seems very comfortable in her skin. Oh, how I long to feel that way about my body . How I long to be comfortable with my batwings and droopy skin...
I had high hopes for a reshaped body when I began my weight loss journey. I just knew my stomach would shrink along with the rest of my body. Sadly, my stomach looks the same...only slightly smaller...instead of looking 9 months pregnant, I look maybe 6 months... My stomach still hangs and my arms will probably always have batwings (although my biceps and shoulders are looking a bit impressive even with all the fat still there) . My thighs will probably ALWAYS be large and really, that part is ok with me because I can see the muscles in them now even if the muscles are a bit cellulite covered. Having a large body never bothered me much because I have never ever been thin..even in high school I was thick...and I don't mind having a big butt or legs or hips...I just hate my stomach...I wish that would go away...
As silly as it sounds I am saddest about my butt. I am getting that old white lady square-shaped butt. I HATE that. My husband is a butt man...and mine used to be...well...big but shapely. I guess years of being obese and the sad reality that I am getting older is showing up in the flat funny shaped white lady butt...UGH!!! I wish I could reshape my butt into something that resembles Jennifer Lopez's hiney(a girl can dream can't she)...but unless I plan on plastic surgery and butt implants, I don't see that happening. Guess I will have to live with that.
Truthfully, my butt and stomach was not the real reason I wanted to write today. I wanted to write because I long to love myself. I long to love myself in my own skin. I want to celebrate that I have lost 42lbs..and while I am nowhere NEAR my goal, I have come a decent way from being the 262 lbs. I once was. I want to enjoy the muscles I see in my arms and legs and I want to enjoy the smaller shape of my face and the cheekbones that have reappeared.
Sadly, when I look in the mirror, I only see the same ole fat tummy hanging down below my pelvic region and the flappy batwings...I only see the weight I still need to lose and I am still very self-conscious. I see the dark hair on my face and the fact that it looks like i have a goatee because of my lovely PCOS. I only see the icky stuff that needs to change. I see the fat that is above my belly button and I long for the days of a flatter upper stomach before I had my second and third child.
I have started to wonder if God wants me to learn to accept where I am before He allows me to go any further in my weight loss. I am also still struggling with my food addiction issues. I LOVE to eat. Let me say this...I have learned over the last few weeks that I DON'T love the way I feel after eating copious amounts of sugar and fat. I hate the lethargic feeling that follows me like a hangover the next day. I hate the guilt and those feeling are enough to make me think twice about gorging on cookies and cheeseburgers.
Anyway, I really want to learn to love myself no matter where I am on this weight loss or any other life journey God brings me through. I want to learn to nourish not only my body, but my soul with good foods (literally and figuratively). I want to look in the mirror and see the beauty in a body that nourished, grew and birthed by C-section three gorgeous kids. I want to see the curves that my husband delights in. I want to see the beauty of God's creation instead of looking at myself with disgust.
I hope that as I continue this weight loss journey, I will also take a journey to self acceptance. Just like I had to decide that enough was enough with my weight, I have to decided to love myself..and that will be the hardest part of all...
Seeing Oprah today has me thinking. It's not anything she said or her show because I really don't watch her show anymore. I was just looking at her.
Everyone knows she has publically struggled with her weight forever. To me, Oprah is beautiful...fat or thin. She seems to embrace her body...at least now she does and she seems very comfortable in her skin. Oh, how I long to feel that way about my body . How I long to be comfortable with my batwings and droopy skin...
I had high hopes for a reshaped body when I began my weight loss journey. I just knew my stomach would shrink along with the rest of my body. Sadly, my stomach looks the same...only slightly smaller...instead of looking 9 months pregnant, I look maybe 6 months... My stomach still hangs and my arms will probably always have batwings (although my biceps and shoulders are looking a bit impressive even with all the fat still there) . My thighs will probably ALWAYS be large and really, that part is ok with me because I can see the muscles in them now even if the muscles are a bit cellulite covered. Having a large body never bothered me much because I have never ever been thin..even in high school I was thick...and I don't mind having a big butt or legs or hips...I just hate my stomach...I wish that would go away...
As silly as it sounds I am saddest about my butt. I am getting that old white lady square-shaped butt. I HATE that. My husband is a butt man...and mine used to be...well...big but shapely. I guess years of being obese and the sad reality that I am getting older is showing up in the flat funny shaped white lady butt...UGH!!! I wish I could reshape my butt into something that resembles Jennifer Lopez's hiney(a girl can dream can't she)...but unless I plan on plastic surgery and butt implants, I don't see that happening. Guess I will have to live with that.
Truthfully, my butt and stomach was not the real reason I wanted to write today. I wanted to write because I long to love myself. I long to love myself in my own skin. I want to celebrate that I have lost 42lbs..and while I am nowhere NEAR my goal, I have come a decent way from being the 262 lbs. I once was. I want to enjoy the muscles I see in my arms and legs and I want to enjoy the smaller shape of my face and the cheekbones that have reappeared.
Sadly, when I look in the mirror, I only see the same ole fat tummy hanging down below my pelvic region and the flappy batwings...I only see the weight I still need to lose and I am still very self-conscious. I see the dark hair on my face and the fact that it looks like i have a goatee because of my lovely PCOS. I only see the icky stuff that needs to change. I see the fat that is above my belly button and I long for the days of a flatter upper stomach before I had my second and third child.
I have started to wonder if God wants me to learn to accept where I am before He allows me to go any further in my weight loss. I am also still struggling with my food addiction issues. I LOVE to eat. Let me say this...I have learned over the last few weeks that I DON'T love the way I feel after eating copious amounts of sugar and fat. I hate the lethargic feeling that follows me like a hangover the next day. I hate the guilt and those feeling are enough to make me think twice about gorging on cookies and cheeseburgers.
Anyway, I really want to learn to love myself no matter where I am on this weight loss or any other life journey God brings me through. I want to learn to nourish not only my body, but my soul with good foods (literally and figuratively). I want to look in the mirror and see the beauty in a body that nourished, grew and birthed by C-section three gorgeous kids. I want to see the curves that my husband delights in. I want to see the beauty of God's creation instead of looking at myself with disgust.
I hope that as I continue this weight loss journey, I will also take a journey to self acceptance. Just like I had to decide that enough was enough with my weight, I have to decided to love myself..and that will be the hardest part of all...
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Where am I now?
Well, I just read the last post I wrote two months ago...and I am proud to say I am now at 42 lbs down...LOL...I will take it being as I have really been stuck and in a cycle of up and down for quite some time. A few days ago, I had to have an honest look at myself. This is what I discovered. I have not been working the program the way I did in the beginning. I eat well and exercise 5 days a week...the other 2 are a free for all with little to no exercise. I have gotten really comfortable where I am and I did not want to admit that I just was kind of half-assing things. I wanted to pretend I was still working this program the way I did in the beginning and just wasn't losing any weight. Lies! That was a bunch of LIES....and I can admit that now.
This week has been a little different. Oh, I still did my 5 days of great eating and this will be my second day of a free for all...but I really took notice of how many calories I am consuming on these days. I am ready to say I am DONE with this behavior and ready to start back giving my all for at least the next 40 lbs.
The government and health charts say I should weigh no more than 146 lbs. because I stand a mere 5 feet 3.5 inches...well, I say screw that! My goal is to get to 180. Yep..180. The last time I was 180 is when I graduated from high school 18 years ago. So, that's my goal. I will still be considered chubby, but I will be comfortable and I think 180 will be a weight at which I can maintain. It's coming and by this time next year, I hope I will be at my goal.. It's all up to me and I am ready again.
So we are moving next month to Paducah, Ky. I am filled with excitment and trepidation. Moves are exciting because you get to start over, but then again..you have to start over. I am going to miss people I have met while being here in Alabama. God's placed some amazing women in my life and I am truly thankful for their friendship and love. However, I do know that His assignment for me is over in Alabama and something appointed by God is waiting for me in Kentucky.
This will be the first time my kids have not been in a military environment and I am a bit nervous for them. I pray they will be accepted and make friends easily. Personally, I think this will be good for them to be around some "normal" kids. Military children are special....they have to make more adjustments in the first 18 years of their lives than most people do living a lifetime. The average military child moves 5 to 7 times before they are 18. Leaving friends is always hard, and starting a new school is hard. Military kids are special but is it any wonder some of these military kids are some of the angriest children I have ever met?
Anyway, I am just praying for God to go ahead of my children and make their paths straight and give them favor with both God and men.
We are also purchasing our first home. That is exciting and scary in itself. I pray for God's guidance there, too. I cannot wait until Terrance comes home from recruiting school and we can go look at houses again. I get a little light headed when I think of it all!
Well, I am tired tonight...so I am going to go...just wanted to share a quick update.
This week has been a little different. Oh, I still did my 5 days of great eating and this will be my second day of a free for all...but I really took notice of how many calories I am consuming on these days. I am ready to say I am DONE with this behavior and ready to start back giving my all for at least the next 40 lbs.
The government and health charts say I should weigh no more than 146 lbs. because I stand a mere 5 feet 3.5 inches...well, I say screw that! My goal is to get to 180. Yep..180. The last time I was 180 is when I graduated from high school 18 years ago. So, that's my goal. I will still be considered chubby, but I will be comfortable and I think 180 will be a weight at which I can maintain. It's coming and by this time next year, I hope I will be at my goal.. It's all up to me and I am ready again.
So we are moving next month to Paducah, Ky. I am filled with excitment and trepidation. Moves are exciting because you get to start over, but then again..you have to start over. I am going to miss people I have met while being here in Alabama. God's placed some amazing women in my life and I am truly thankful for their friendship and love. However, I do know that His assignment for me is over in Alabama and something appointed by God is waiting for me in Kentucky.
This will be the first time my kids have not been in a military environment and I am a bit nervous for them. I pray they will be accepted and make friends easily. Personally, I think this will be good for them to be around some "normal" kids. Military children are special....they have to make more adjustments in the first 18 years of their lives than most people do living a lifetime. The average military child moves 5 to 7 times before they are 18. Leaving friends is always hard, and starting a new school is hard. Military kids are special but is it any wonder some of these military kids are some of the angriest children I have ever met?
Anyway, I am just praying for God to go ahead of my children and make their paths straight and give them favor with both God and men.
We are also purchasing our first home. That is exciting and scary in itself. I pray for God's guidance there, too. I cannot wait until Terrance comes home from recruiting school and we can go look at houses again. I get a little light headed when I think of it all!
Well, I am tired tonight...so I am going to go...just wanted to share a quick update.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Well...
October 16th was the last time I posted and more than likely the last time I really lost any significant weight. I have been stuck more or less in the same weight zone since October...I got to 39 lbs. gone and then it froze...well, I froze. I sit here today, 4 months later, still at the same 39 lbs gone. I have gained a few and lost the same few over the last 4 months. I have been on a self imposed plateau and I have no one to blame but myself...Then again, I am not mad at myself..I have learned that I really CAN maintain a weight loss. That is a huge victory for me because had this been any other time, I would have gone back to my old ways. While my old ways were trying desperately to take over my life again, they did not.
I changed my weigh in to Mondays hoping that it will keep me accountable on the weekends. That is when I seem to lose it as far as eating goes....but not anymore. I am asking God to pour fresh determination on me. I still have at least 50 lbs to go and right now I am focusing on the next 25. I know I CAN do it, and I need to keep praying, asking for His help, and believing in myself.
Something else I noticed about my plateau...I stopped praying so much about my weight loss, I stopped trusting and leaning on God to be my strength and I got caught up in thinking *I* was the one in control of this. I got cocky and I fell....I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I cannot have any REAL success in weight loss or in anything in life if I leave God out of it.
Speaking of God, I just got finished reading a book called "Redeeming Love" By Francine Rivers. If you haven't read this book, then I suggest you do so. It is a powerful book that has changed my life...and it's funny because even more than anything else, God uses works of fiction and my love of reading to speak to me more than anything.
Well, it's 8:22 and I am going to the gym in a few minutes, I need to charge my MP3 player (yes I am stuck in the stone ages..thank-you-very-much) and get my water.
I think I will be writing more often now..or at least I hope so.
Here is to healthy choices and honoring God in all I do today...AMEN!
I changed my weigh in to Mondays hoping that it will keep me accountable on the weekends. That is when I seem to lose it as far as eating goes....but not anymore. I am asking God to pour fresh determination on me. I still have at least 50 lbs to go and right now I am focusing on the next 25. I know I CAN do it, and I need to keep praying, asking for His help, and believing in myself.
Something else I noticed about my plateau...I stopped praying so much about my weight loss, I stopped trusting and leaning on God to be my strength and I got caught up in thinking *I* was the one in control of this. I got cocky and I fell....I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I cannot have any REAL success in weight loss or in anything in life if I leave God out of it.
Speaking of God, I just got finished reading a book called "Redeeming Love" By Francine Rivers. If you haven't read this book, then I suggest you do so. It is a powerful book that has changed my life...and it's funny because even more than anything else, God uses works of fiction and my love of reading to speak to me more than anything.
Well, it's 8:22 and I am going to the gym in a few minutes, I need to charge my MP3 player (yes I am stuck in the stone ages..thank-you-very-much) and get my water.
I think I will be writing more often now..or at least I hope so.
Here is to healthy choices and honoring God in all I do today...AMEN!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
5 lb gain, pictures and the funk I am in
I feel like saying a string of curse words...no, really I do.
I went home last weekend for what ended up being almost a week. We had car issues and I had to do three trips back and forth to Alabama in three days. Very exhausting.
Before my trip home to TN, I was doing so very well with my lifestyle change. When I got home..that lasted maybe a day. I stopped exercising and ate whatever I could shove in my mouth....the end result being a 5.4 lb. gain. That wouldn't be so bad except I saw some pics of myself that were taken on Thursday of this week. Now, even with my 5 lb gain, I am still down 24 lbs. You know what sucks? In those pictures, I don't look much different than I did at 262. This makes me sad and angry. I am sad because I know how hard I have worked to get the weight off and even after losing a significant amount, I am still HUGE....and angry because I was not born a thin person. There are some people who were just born thin. They have small bones and small features. They have never really had a weight problem except for maybe 10 or 15 lbs they would like to lose. I have been a big girl ALL of my life. I was not really a fattie when I was in Elementary school, but I was thicker and bigger boned than all of the other girls. This makes me sad. I am sad because I have to work that much harder than everyone else. I have a LONG way to go with my weight and I am not sure that I am going to get there...I do know that I don't want to give up.
I have not exercised since I have been back either. I had the opportunity, but I did not go. I have a mental block going on. I have GOT to talk myself into doing again all the things I was doing before we went to TN. I don't want to gain all my weight back. I have worked too hard for the loss I have had..
I am having a hard time getting my head back in the game. Negative thoughts have invaded my mind and I feel like I am trying to wake myself from a nightmare that won't allow me to open my eyes. Today is a new day. I have not messed up anything yet as far as my eating goes...I still have time to exercise...and I pray that this is the day that it all begins again!
I went home last weekend for what ended up being almost a week. We had car issues and I had to do three trips back and forth to Alabama in three days. Very exhausting.
Before my trip home to TN, I was doing so very well with my lifestyle change. When I got home..that lasted maybe a day. I stopped exercising and ate whatever I could shove in my mouth....the end result being a 5.4 lb. gain. That wouldn't be so bad except I saw some pics of myself that were taken on Thursday of this week. Now, even with my 5 lb gain, I am still down 24 lbs. You know what sucks? In those pictures, I don't look much different than I did at 262. This makes me sad and angry. I am sad because I know how hard I have worked to get the weight off and even after losing a significant amount, I am still HUGE....and angry because I was not born a thin person. There are some people who were just born thin. They have small bones and small features. They have never really had a weight problem except for maybe 10 or 15 lbs they would like to lose. I have been a big girl ALL of my life. I was not really a fattie when I was in Elementary school, but I was thicker and bigger boned than all of the other girls. This makes me sad. I am sad because I have to work that much harder than everyone else. I have a LONG way to go with my weight and I am not sure that I am going to get there...I do know that I don't want to give up.
I have not exercised since I have been back either. I had the opportunity, but I did not go. I have a mental block going on. I have GOT to talk myself into doing again all the things I was doing before we went to TN. I don't want to gain all my weight back. I have worked too hard for the loss I have had..
I am having a hard time getting my head back in the game. Negative thoughts have invaded my mind and I feel like I am trying to wake myself from a nightmare that won't allow me to open my eyes. Today is a new day. I have not messed up anything yet as far as my eating goes...I still have time to exercise...and I pray that this is the day that it all begins again!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Almost 30
Well...almost three months into my journey and I am almost 30 lbs. down. 26.8 to be exact. I am still finding that I love to exercise and it is my path to sanity.
Finally, it all clicked. I have been able to release some hurt and anger I've held on to for years and as God took me through that process, the weight has been coming off steadily. It's funny how we carry our baggage on our bodies.
Well, I really have to go...I know, I know...I have let this blog fall by the wayside...and for that I am sorry...I will try to get back to it.
Finally, it all clicked. I have been able to release some hurt and anger I've held on to for years and as God took me through that process, the weight has been coming off steadily. It's funny how we carry our baggage on our bodies.
Well, I really have to go...I know, I know...I have let this blog fall by the wayside...and for that I am sorry...I will try to get back to it.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Quick update
I miss the writing process and how it helps me sort through stuff. Right now there is a lot of stuff. I need to find some time this weekend and just put it all out here. But, for now, I have to give a quick update on my weight loss progress. To date, I have lost 24.2 lbs. I am less than a pound away from 25 lbs...I have also settled on a goal weight. Once getting to the goal weight, I may change my mind and go further, but we will see. For now, my goal is 175. That is what I weighed when I graduated from high school. I was still a chubby girl...but not 262.8.
I am trying not to look at 175 as still a long way to go. I am trying to enjoy the journey each day, one step at a time.
I plan to come back this weekend and update this blog. Have a good day y'all
I am trying not to look at 175 as still a long way to go. I am trying to enjoy the journey each day, one step at a time.
I plan to come back this weekend and update this blog. Have a good day y'all
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Where am I now?
I stopped writing a few weeks ago...I am not sure why except sometimes, I get tired of talking about me..I would rather listen to others. I remember a time when I could not talk about myself enough..and I am thankful that God changed that about me.
Anyway, I have lost 20.8 lbs so far and I still have a LONG way to go. I am going to work this program like never before. I have a goal to be down at least 20 more lbs. by the time we go home for Christmas. That gives me a little over three months. It would be great to be down about 30 lbs. BUT I would be happy with 20.
Life has changed a lot. I am working 2 jobs and I love it. I am super busy and really don't have much time to do anything else except work, take care of my family, and go to the gym. Life is great right now.
Well, speaking of the gym, I better get ready to head that way.
Anyway, I have lost 20.8 lbs so far and I still have a LONG way to go. I am going to work this program like never before. I have a goal to be down at least 20 more lbs. by the time we go home for Christmas. That gives me a little over three months. It would be great to be down about 30 lbs. BUT I would be happy with 20.
Life has changed a lot. I am working 2 jobs and I love it. I am super busy and really don't have much time to do anything else except work, take care of my family, and go to the gym. Life is great right now.
Well, speaking of the gym, I better get ready to head that way.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Stepping on some toes and a weigh-in (warning some bad language will be used)
Let me start with my weigh-in. I lost 1.8 lbs this week for a total of -16 lbs. gone. I am thankful. That puts me at 246. I haven't seen that number ina while and while it's not quite "virgin fat territory", it's getting close.
Eating has gone well, although I feel something building inside...like the need to eat something fattening...and I wonder if it's stress and disappointment. With all that is going on right now, it would make sense that my desire for fatteneing food would be tied into the situation at hand.
What is the situation about which I speak? Well, it's my brother and his wife. They have been married for 9 years. From the beginning of their marriage, my brother has treated his wife horribly. For the life of me, I cannot understand WHY she has chosen to stay with him. He calls her every name in the book (cunt, stupid bitch, gutter whore)...and tells her she cannot do anything right. If she corrects their daughter in front of him, he tells his daughter she does not have to listen to her Mama. If she cooks for him, he criticizes her cooking. Yet, my SIL has stayed. She says it's because she doesn't take him seriously. She says she tunes him out and he apologizes for his blow-ups later. Ummm, I am sorry...this is my brother , but that is emotional and verbal abuse and NO ONE deserves to be demeaned like that.
I am not going to pretend that my SIL is perfect, because she isn't and there are legitimate issues within their marriage that need to be worked on. Neither my brother or SIL have EVER given priority to their marriage. Since my niece was born 10 months after they got married, their entire married life has revolved around my niece. She is 8 now and STILL SLEEPS IN THE BED WITH THEM EVERY NIGHT...well, let me correct that...she sleeps with Kelle...my brother is a truck driver and is gone most of the time. Still, co-sleeping with an 8 year old is NOT HEALTHY for anyone involved. They have always put Caitlin first and their marriage last. My SIL is a lot like my husband and communicating has always been difficult
Anyway, my brother says he has been telling Kelle that they need counseling for two years. Truthfully, he mentioned it twice in that time period...only TWICE.... So, here is where things start to seem...well, strange.
Two months ago, my brother began talking to a girl that my step sister has been friends with for year. This girl was giving my family information about some things that were occurring with my step-sister and her husband. Well, after this information was given, my brother continued talking to this girl on a regular basis. The calls increased. Now they are talking every single day..every single night...and he has stopped coming home when he gets in from a run. He tells his wife that he is sleeping in his truck, but personally, I think that is a bunch of bunk. Why? , Prior to two months ago, no matter how late my brother got in from a run, even if he only had a few hours to be at home..he went home. He wanted to be with his family. Since he's started talking to this girl, it's changed. My SIL discovered he was calling this girl at 2 a.m. For every time my brother has called his family, he has called this girl three times as often. Almost every single number on thier cell phone bill for the last three months has belonged to this girl...
He tells everyone that they are just friends, but it's funny that the subject of a divorce never really came up until two months ago when this "relationship" began.
My mother found the girl at my brother's house while my SIL was out of town. No, they weren't inside his house, but still, it didn't look right. This girl knows my SIL but any time she is around her, she will NOT speak to my SIL...it's just a little suspicious. If there really was nothing going on..why would you not speak?Why would you NOT make sure NO ONE thought anything was going on that was inappropriate? My mom has questioned my brother about this girl and he got very upset and defended this girl over my SIL ...wait..why are you defending her and not considering your wife??....it just all seems so sad.
The latest blow was when he told me that although he is still sending my SIL and niece on a trip to Disney World, he will not be going..his reasons are so that he can work He claims they need the money...but UMMMM..this is your child's FIRST time to go to Disney and you aren't going to be there? You say you need the money...ok..so cancel the trip altogether...If you don't have other motives, then either go with your family or cancel the trip totally. It doesn't sound right that you are still sending them (costing money) but YOU are not going.... I don't think that sounds right...I know, I am leaving off major details and some of this doesn't sound so bad...but , and this is where I am going to step on some toes, IF YOU ARE MARRIED AND YOU ARE HAVING ISSUES YOU HAVE NO NO NO BUSINESS TALKING TO ANOTHER WOMAN/MAN ABOUT YOUR MARITAL ISSUES UNLESS IT IS A COUNSELOR OR A FAMILY MEMBER.
IF YOU ARE TALKING TO A MARRIED PERSON HAVING MARITAL ISSUES AND YOU KNOW IT'S BEEN SUSPECTED THAT YOU MAY BE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH SAID MARRIED PERSON...IF YOU CARE ABOUT THEM AT ALL THEN LEAVE THEM ALONE UNTIL THEIR DIVORCE IS FINAL...
That is just my two cents. I believe in grace and forgiveness, but I do see how another person can be a contributing factor in a the dissolution of a marriage that COULD have been saved. When you are having marital issues, muddying the waters by talking to someone of the opposite sex that you've admitted that you were attracted to is just NOT a good idea. Either give your marriage a fighting chance and leave the other person alone or make the decison to leave. Also, look beyond what may feel good in the moment. Especailly if there are children involved. Once you decided to split up the marriage you are damaging many lives beyond your own. Divorce sucks. It hurts...and inevitably the kids get caught in the middle.
Now, do I believe that there is forgiveness for everything? Of course I do. Do I believe in grace..of course I do. I would not be living the life Christ wants me to live if I did not....
However, when you really haven't even mentioned divorce until you begin talking to another woman, then...yeah, I have an issue with that. Especially when this girl is a friend of our step-sisters and has trashed our step-sister to death. Also, when a person does everything to drive a wedge between you and your famliy...then yeah, I see a BIG problem.
This stresses me because it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I hate to see the potential casualties. I hate to see what this is doing to my SIL and my niece. Hearing her cry on the phone broke my heart...and watching my brother's selfishness is maddening. I am praying that God will remove the scales from my brother's eyes and will soften his heart. I am praying for a reconciliation. I am praying that because marriage is OF God, that He will save this one. God already has everything worked out. I do trust that. I just pray that my brother makes the right choices and will at least give his marriage a chance.
While I could choose to be upset with this girl, I really am not. I am upset with my brother. This other girl is just a pawn in the game. It could be any other girl, it really would not matter. The fact is that my brother's clear thinking is being clouded by the presence of another person. He has also tuned God out completely.
This situation is just really sad to me. I will support him and I will love him. That does not mean that I will like or even approve of what he does. I am going to need God to work on my heart in this situation also....
Sigh...
Guess I should go now...
Eating has gone well, although I feel something building inside...like the need to eat something fattening...and I wonder if it's stress and disappointment. With all that is going on right now, it would make sense that my desire for fatteneing food would be tied into the situation at hand.
What is the situation about which I speak? Well, it's my brother and his wife. They have been married for 9 years. From the beginning of their marriage, my brother has treated his wife horribly. For the life of me, I cannot understand WHY she has chosen to stay with him. He calls her every name in the book (cunt, stupid bitch, gutter whore)...and tells her she cannot do anything right. If she corrects their daughter in front of him, he tells his daughter she does not have to listen to her Mama. If she cooks for him, he criticizes her cooking. Yet, my SIL has stayed. She says it's because she doesn't take him seriously. She says she tunes him out and he apologizes for his blow-ups later. Ummm, I am sorry...this is my brother , but that is emotional and verbal abuse and NO ONE deserves to be demeaned like that.
I am not going to pretend that my SIL is perfect, because she isn't and there are legitimate issues within their marriage that need to be worked on. Neither my brother or SIL have EVER given priority to their marriage. Since my niece was born 10 months after they got married, their entire married life has revolved around my niece. She is 8 now and STILL SLEEPS IN THE BED WITH THEM EVERY NIGHT...well, let me correct that...she sleeps with Kelle...my brother is a truck driver and is gone most of the time. Still, co-sleeping with an 8 year old is NOT HEALTHY for anyone involved. They have always put Caitlin first and their marriage last. My SIL is a lot like my husband and communicating has always been difficult
Anyway, my brother says he has been telling Kelle that they need counseling for two years. Truthfully, he mentioned it twice in that time period...only TWICE.... So, here is where things start to seem...well, strange.
Two months ago, my brother began talking to a girl that my step sister has been friends with for year. This girl was giving my family information about some things that were occurring with my step-sister and her husband. Well, after this information was given, my brother continued talking to this girl on a regular basis. The calls increased. Now they are talking every single day..every single night...and he has stopped coming home when he gets in from a run. He tells his wife that he is sleeping in his truck, but personally, I think that is a bunch of bunk. Why? , Prior to two months ago, no matter how late my brother got in from a run, even if he only had a few hours to be at home..he went home. He wanted to be with his family. Since he's started talking to this girl, it's changed. My SIL discovered he was calling this girl at 2 a.m. For every time my brother has called his family, he has called this girl three times as often. Almost every single number on thier cell phone bill for the last three months has belonged to this girl...
He tells everyone that they are just friends, but it's funny that the subject of a divorce never really came up until two months ago when this "relationship" began.
My mother found the girl at my brother's house while my SIL was out of town. No, they weren't inside his house, but still, it didn't look right. This girl knows my SIL but any time she is around her, she will NOT speak to my SIL...it's just a little suspicious. If there really was nothing going on..why would you not speak?Why would you NOT make sure NO ONE thought anything was going on that was inappropriate? My mom has questioned my brother about this girl and he got very upset and defended this girl over my SIL ...wait..why are you defending her and not considering your wife??....it just all seems so sad.
The latest blow was when he told me that although he is still sending my SIL and niece on a trip to Disney World, he will not be going..his reasons are so that he can work He claims they need the money...but UMMMM..this is your child's FIRST time to go to Disney and you aren't going to be there? You say you need the money...ok..so cancel the trip altogether...If you don't have other motives, then either go with your family or cancel the trip totally. It doesn't sound right that you are still sending them (costing money) but YOU are not going.... I don't think that sounds right...I know, I am leaving off major details and some of this doesn't sound so bad...but , and this is where I am going to step on some toes, IF YOU ARE MARRIED AND YOU ARE HAVING ISSUES YOU HAVE NO NO NO BUSINESS TALKING TO ANOTHER WOMAN/MAN ABOUT YOUR MARITAL ISSUES UNLESS IT IS A COUNSELOR OR A FAMILY MEMBER.
IF YOU ARE TALKING TO A MARRIED PERSON HAVING MARITAL ISSUES AND YOU KNOW IT'S BEEN SUSPECTED THAT YOU MAY BE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH SAID MARRIED PERSON...IF YOU CARE ABOUT THEM AT ALL THEN LEAVE THEM ALONE UNTIL THEIR DIVORCE IS FINAL...
That is just my two cents. I believe in grace and forgiveness, but I do see how another person can be a contributing factor in a the dissolution of a marriage that COULD have been saved. When you are having marital issues, muddying the waters by talking to someone of the opposite sex that you've admitted that you were attracted to is just NOT a good idea. Either give your marriage a fighting chance and leave the other person alone or make the decison to leave. Also, look beyond what may feel good in the moment. Especailly if there are children involved. Once you decided to split up the marriage you are damaging many lives beyond your own. Divorce sucks. It hurts...and inevitably the kids get caught in the middle.
Now, do I believe that there is forgiveness for everything? Of course I do. Do I believe in grace..of course I do. I would not be living the life Christ wants me to live if I did not....
However, when you really haven't even mentioned divorce until you begin talking to another woman, then...yeah, I have an issue with that. Especially when this girl is a friend of our step-sisters and has trashed our step-sister to death. Also, when a person does everything to drive a wedge between you and your famliy...then yeah, I see a BIG problem.
This stresses me because it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I hate to see the potential casualties. I hate to see what this is doing to my SIL and my niece. Hearing her cry on the phone broke my heart...and watching my brother's selfishness is maddening. I am praying that God will remove the scales from my brother's eyes and will soften his heart. I am praying for a reconciliation. I am praying that because marriage is OF God, that He will save this one. God already has everything worked out. I do trust that. I just pray that my brother makes the right choices and will at least give his marriage a chance.
While I could choose to be upset with this girl, I really am not. I am upset with my brother. This other girl is just a pawn in the game. It could be any other girl, it really would not matter. The fact is that my brother's clear thinking is being clouded by the presence of another person. He has also tuned God out completely.
This situation is just really sad to me. I will support him and I will love him. That does not mean that I will like or even approve of what he does. I am going to need God to work on my heart in this situation also....
Sigh...
Guess I should go now...
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