I am a liar...and other truths.

Yes, I will admit, I am a huge liar.
What did I lie about exactly? Well, a few posts back I said I was going to be posting a thankful post every day...that lasted about 5 days, and like so many other "brilliant" ideas I have, the thankful posts fell by the wayside.
I am not stressing over it. I am still thankful everyday, but I am too lazy most days to write it on here. Shame on me, I know.

Today I was rejuvenated by the company of my daughter as we ran errands. The weather is supposed to be horrible,and Enterprise Schools decided they would close for the day. This turned out to be a blessing for me. Jazmyne and I always have a good time together. We get to talk about everything and I get the opportunity to get to know my daughter better. She also gets to know me better. Our bond is strengthed on these days when we get to be together, just us girls. I am not a perfect Mama, nor do I confess to be, but I do realize that I am the perfect Mama for MY kids.

Have you ever thought about that? When God was forming our children in our womb, He knew what personality traits these children would possess. He knew all about their strengths and weaknesses and it was no accident that He chose us for our kids. That may sound silly, but bear with me here.
I think we, as Mamas, are way to hard on ourselves. We watch shows like Jon and Kate plus 8, or the Duggars and wish we were more like those women . Often we find ourselves comparing our parenting style to another woman and we feel as if we fall short. We don't fall short....we are exactly the Mama's we need to be for our kids. We are the ones God chose to parent these particular people, and we need to give ourselves a break.

Thinking about this amazes me. God gave us these babies,and while we are not perfect, we are perfect for our kids. God loves these kids more than we could, yet he chose us to be their parents. What a blessing and an honor. He does not want us to constantly compare ourselves to other women so we can be like them...He made us to be exactly who we are. Our personalities, our strengths, weaknesses, quirks and habits are exactly what our particular kids need.
It's easy for us to judge ourselves against the world's standard and feel like a failure, but we have NO IDEA, what God has in mind for our kid's future. How we parent our kids and how we raise them is ultimatley going to be used for God's Glory anyway.

I think the best thing we can do for our kids is to love them and to be ourselves. God knows what He is doing and His word already tells us "All things work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28)...so even when we don't get the parenting thing exactly right, we have to trust in the God that will work everything out for our good and the good of our kids, His kids.

For today, you other Mamas out there who may read this post...give yourself a hug and thank God that you are doing a great job...

Growing by His Grace

I have been seriously struggling lately with everything in my life. It seems that the "ears" of my heart have been too busy to hear God's still small voice. Daily life's aggrivations drag me down under a swift current of self-pity, and I struggle to break the surface for some much needed air.
I want God to use me and I want to be available to him every day, but it seems as if pride and selfishness have taken my heart and mind prisoner this week. I am calling out to Him to pluck me from this myre and muck, but when He does, I struggle against His gentle cleansing like a toddler eager to get away. I am tired, worn,and weary.

Jesus said; " Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28). Why is it that I haven't just laid it all down at His feet this last week? Why is it that I have not trusted Him and had faith that He sees and is handling our empty bank account and the neighbor with whom I struggle? Why have I not outstretched my hand to Jesus, knowing all along that He is waiting there to give me the rest I seek? Why is it that even though Jesus shows up time and time again, I develope amnesia and waste precious time worrying?

Oh, how I want to stop and breathe. Oh, how I need Jesus...Oh, how I wish I wasn't such a mess. You know what ? Even in the middle of my storms, He is there. Even though I am a mess and selfish and prideful...He still loves me. Even when I worry instead of placing my faith and trust in Him, He is still the same. For this I am forever going to praise His name, for without Jesus, I am NOTHING but a big mess....but with Jesus, I am just fine....

I am incompetant

My kids love to remind me of how they think I am an idiot. Today as I was browsing the Internet, my sons were sitting at the table eating a snack. For Jordan, animal crackers and for Isaiah, cereal. Now mind you , I have been pretty successful today with making sure that Isaiah did not do anything I did not want him to do. I kept him and the dog out of harm's way and I managed to feed and clothe him. Well, as soon as Jordan walks in the door, his campaign to usurp my parental status begins. He is constantly telling Isaiah what to do, to stop doing this, to start doing that. He is always taking things from Isaiah and correcting him. This child can barely take wipe his own bottom, much less tell Isaiah how to navigate life as a two year old.

I had to gently remind Jordan that I have been pretty successful being a parent since my oldest is 14 and his help was not necessary. I don't think he believed me.

Oh well, maybe when he is a Daddy, he will realize ( like we all do) that his Mama was not so stupid after all!

Overwhelmed with love

My family and I have been praying faithfully for my younger brother Toby over the last few years. Our prayer is that he will turn his life over to the Lord and ask Jesus to be his Lord and Savior. We believe that it will happen, but in God's timing. Sunday, during the time of our worship service when the pastor asks for prayer requests, I felt a tug in my heart to mention Toby. So, I swallowed the lump in my throat and raised my hand. I know that when two or more are gathered in his name, and agree on anything, then God is there with them, and He will answer thier prayers.

I believe my brother is coming soon to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. I love him so very much, and I really want him to spend eternity in Heaven. I pray for God to heal all of Toby's many hurts, and I know God is the only Being that can do it.

Today, I opened my e-mail and began reading the e-newsletter from my church. There in black and white was my prayer request for my precious Toby. I started crying. I am so overwhelmed with love for my brother...and I am so hopeful that Toby will stop running from God, and simply say yes to Him.

I do not know if this blog has any readers, but if it does, please pray for my brother too....

Thank you



Dear Lord,
Toby is in your hands. I know that You love him and Jesus gave His life for my brother. I pray Lord, that Toby stops running from you and will surrender. Thank you for my brothers,all of them. I pray that you make me to be the sister they need, and I pray your protection on them. I love you Lord, and I am so glad that I know You. I pray that for Toby too.

In Jesus name,
Amen

What is God doing?

My life has taken on a strange path. A path on which I am so blessed and amazed to be able to travel. Since moving to Alabama, after I had a big fight with the devil, God sees fit to place me in the footsteps of some amazing people. Lately I have been meeting people who want to share their stories and their faith with me. There is the Korean lady who was so excited to talk about her love of the Lord that she could barely think in English well enough to speak! Then, there is Agnes O'Brien.
Ms. Agnes shared her life story with me while standing in the middle of the post office in Enterprise, Alabama. She also had a very powerful message for me,and for my Mom about my little brother, Toby. I left that post office knowing without a doubt that God is orchestrating every moment in my life.
I am not quite sure exactly what God is doing right now, but I will say that I am ready and I am excited to see what He has planned.

Shouting

I love blogs. I especially love women of God's blogs. I get so much encouragement from reading the words of God's beautiful daughters. Reading these words from women I have never met makes me want to shout of God's love from the rooftops. Even when things are tough, I know that God's provision will get us through. I just love Him so much, and I truly want to love him more.
Today I am thankful for

1. Simple things
2. The grass and trees that are growing and blooming all the while reminding me that Spring is upon us.
3. The whispers of the Holy Spirit
4. Chicken casserole
5. satin pajamas
6. Really good coffee
7. Chats with girlfriends that make me giggle.

I am really diggin this whole thankful thing. It has changed my perspective and I know that I am starting to see God more clearly! I praise His name.

When God answers prayers, make sure you are listening

As I write this, I am almost at a loss for words simply because there are no appropriate words for what I feel. I just read a blog from Lysa TerKeurst, she is involved with Proverbs 31 ministries. Her particular blog entry was about divine encounters and when something happens in your life that may seem ordinary, but it really is God showing you something he wants you to do. She expresses it more eloquently, of course, but you catch my drift.

Anyway, I have been struggling with one area of my life of late, and I have been praying for God to show me what he wants me to do. Through Lysa's blog, I know my Jesus was saying "here Tiffany, let me show you this, and you just do what you do." It answered my question about what God wanted from me. How I can serve Him...and I realized that He showed me that by just being me, and loving people, I am doing what He has gifted me to do. Praise God! I am so excited that God is the way He is. He gives us a gift,and by His grace, these gifts are things we naturally LOVE doing.

I am soooo thankful that He loves me that much that He is willing to show me what He wants. I believe with my whole heart that God always shows us the things we ask of Him. After all , He is our Father, and we are His children.

So, today I am thankful for many things which I will list, but I am especially thankful for answered prayers.

Here are just a few of the blessings that God allowed me today.

1. Answered prayer
2. A financial blessing
3. The opportunity to do something for a friend
4. My husband was home today
5. Spending time with my kids
6. A really good dinner consisting of BBQ chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, and cabbage
7. Completing a total budget
8. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnell
9. Realizing I can do a lot with an English degree
10. My family, all of them including parents and siblings
11. Warm weather
12. Air conditioning
13. Jesus and His love, unending!
14. coffee
15. facebook
16. the desire to know God more.

Thank you Father God, for another day of life. I pray your blessings on all who read this and all that I know. I pray your peace on those hurting and lost people. I pray your Spirit moves mightily among this world and more people come to You. I praise and bless Your Holy Name. Amen.

Saturday what a day

I am so thankful for this day, and for the time God allows me here on this Earth. I know that when I pass on to Heaven, I will be happier and more fulfilled than I ever could be on Earth. That being said, I think it is natural that we want to live on this Earth as long as we possible can. I pray that God allows me to live many years. I pray that I can live to see my grandkids and be the kind of grandmother that my Mama is. I pray that I get to spend many, many years with my wonderful husband. I just pray for many more years,and I really think that is normal.

Saturday has been a wonderful day. Here are just some of the blessings that I have seen this day

1. Isaiah slept for thirty minutes longer than he usually does
2. I got to spend several hours alone with my daughter Jazmyne
3. I went shopping
4. My husband and everything he is and does
5. My wacky insane boys and Isaiah telling me 100 times that I am his besfren eber.
6. My doggie
7. E-mail from my friend Pennie
8. Lauging
9. My perfect chocolate cream cheese frosting
10. My dad and husband ganging up on me for liking the Colts
11. The weather was gorgeous today
12. My husbands "grill skills"
13. Family time.

Friday's thankful post

The night is upon me and my eyes are becoming heavy. Its only 7:46, but I am old, so its almost past my bedtime.
I just wanted to share my thankful post for Friday..

1. God woke me up today
2. My hubby graduated from BNCOC which means he is home this weekend..yay
3. The weather was gorgeous.
4. I got a financial issue resolved. I did not get too upset, I just gave it to God and went on my way. By the end of the day, I got a phone call saying the company would overnight me a check..whoo hooo
5. Subway roast beef sandwiches...and only eating a six inch
6. Salads from Hungry Howies.
7. My awesome husband cleaned my house , I love him so much
8. Chatting with my girlfriend Tamarah, and messaging Megan
9. Online girlfriends with whom I have a connection even though we have never met...we will one day soon though..I hope
10. The sound of my windchimes outside
11. My doggie Bella.
12. My healthy kids
13. The weekend.
14. Fabulous chocolate icing made from scratch.

Wow, today was great! God is so good. Its the little things in life that make it so special. I am signing off...until tomorrow....

Thursday's Thankful post....

Yes, I know....today is actually Friday. Last night I got so far behind on what my family needed me to do that I neglected my thankful post...*gasp* and only on the second day...
Well, here is what happened to me yesterday for which I am thankful.

1. The weather was gorgeous

2. I walked two miles with a child on his tricycle and a dog who insisted on vomiting twice, but hey, we made it back to the car and that was awesome

3. A chance encounter at the commissary with Jazmyne's boyfriend's Mom and I really like this lady.

4. My husband got to stay home with me for several hours. I love his company and he is my "besfren eber", just dont tell Isaiah this one...

5. My kids.

6. Hearing from people whom I love dearly and are a blessing to my life.

7. The love of God...My Saviour Jesus Christ...and knowing that no matter what I do, they love me and I am forgiven.


Well, today is a new day, and I know it is full of blessings. I am excited to see what God has in store for me!!

Seems He's in the details

I am so totally in awe of God this week. Truly. It never ceases to amaze me at how much He loves me, the horribly wretched wreck that I am. This week He has blown my socks off.

I have been a stay-at-home Mom for almost ten years. I wish I could say I was one of those Moms who relished their stay-at-home role. I seem to have fought it almost the entire time. Some days are better than others and I cannot imagine NOT being here with my kids, but then there are the really dark days when depression seems to be lurking behind every door and hiding in every corner. I tried for many years, unsuccessfully, to make friends. I found out the hard way that not everyone is nice, and people will hurt you. The worst hurt I experienced in my early married life was from a group of women who all professed to be Christian. Instead of being loving and caring toward me, they decided I was to be banished from their group because I was unstable. The truth of that matter was I was going through TERRIBLE post- partum depression and my husband was in Korea for a year. I lived 6 hours away from my family, and I was alone. Heck yeah I was unstable!
Well, those years set the stage for several years of toxic friendships, and friendships that ultimately did not last. I felt very lonely and always rejected. That, compounded with the isolation of being a stay-at-home Mom, really did some things to my heart, and to my head.

I prayed HARD for God to please send me some female friends. Some good, honest, caring, Christian friends. I used to think that He was not hearing me, or I was just so horrible that I did not deserve any friends. Well, now when I look at that season in my life, I realize He was preparing me. Oh, how great and wise is God! He had to prepare me, he had to dig out all the bad, and plant the good in my soul. He had to make me love him the MOST before He would give me any friends.

Fast forward a few years, I found myself at another military post, and I was very cautious about making friends. I would say hello to people, but I would not DARE let anyone get close to me. I was also still struggling with being a SAHM and seems like I just refused to even go to the MOPS meetings or go to anything they offered on post to connect other Moms. I was damaged and leery of anyone.I did not want to experience that hurt again, and that rejection I felt from the first time I tried to make other Mom friends.

Well, through the Grace of God, I met my neighbor Stephanie. She is a little older than me, she is a LOT wiser, and she is hilarious. God used this woman to heal my heart and let me know that God had prepared my life and my heart for female friends. Through Stephanie, I learned a lot about myself and I learned a lot about God. I then went on to make other friends that have blessed my life in ways that they may NEVER know. Stephanie and I are still friends to this day, and I have a sneaking suspicion that we always will be.

About three months ago, we moved again. Such is the life of a military spouse. I hated leaving Fort Campbell because I had made several friends and I really began to grow into the woman God had been preparing me to grow into. Well, last week was very difficult. I cried and cried for several days. I could not pinpoint exactly what was wrong, except I was very lonely and feeling isolated again. We are very involved in church and I see other ladies at church, but never really have formed any close bonds with them. That is until a friend of Jordan's Mom and I started talking. She has been a blessing and God sent her into my life as well. I also have reconnected with a girlfriend from Fort Campbell who too has moved down to Fort Rucker. I have met a neighbor with whom I have a lot in common, and my daughter's boyfriend's Mom is a woman I am eager to really get to know.

So what does this have to do with God knocking my socks off? Well, in the midst of my tears last week, I cried out to Him and poured all my pain on Him. I told Him I needed friends and I needed Him to show me what exactly I am supposed to be doing, and just like God always does, He gave me exactly what I needed, and I praise Him because this time, I was ready.

Complaining

Lately, it seems as if I have become a professional complainer. My poor husband has endured several hundred hours of my moaning, complaining, and crying over one thing or the other. God gave him the patience of Job, cause I know I have tested his nerves on more than one occasion. Never does he say anything like "suck it up and drive on", he just listens and offers a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold. I am so greatful for that.

God has been dealing with me lately about my complaining, and Joyce Meyer put it in perfect perspective this morning. She said God has said to her, "why should I bless you with more when you complain about what you've already got"....dingdingdingding...we have a winner...that was exactly what I needed to hear. So, today,as I get reacquainted with blogging, I have decided to dedicate an entire year to listing things for which I am greatful.

Each day I am going to write down some good things that happened that day, and I know that because God is faithful, He will open my eyes more and more to see all the things He has given me.

Things I am thankful for today:

1. My youngest son, Isaiah, told me today I am his " besfren eber" (translation: best friend ever)

2. My husband started our laundry

3. I walked two miles this morning without keeling over

4. For 30 whole minutes, I got to sit in silence while my son napped.

5. I had a great chat with a dear friend, and talking to another adult was a blessing

6. Coffee..

7. Talked to my Momma


Aahhh, that was nice.

Thank you Lord for today, and for blessing me with all that you have given me. I pray that each day my eyes will be opened to the wonder of YOU and Your Grace and Mercy. Teach me, mold me, and show me how to be the woman YOU created me to be. I praise and bless Your Holy and Wonderful name.

Amen.

"Real" people

I love Joyce Meyer. Not only does she deliver some wonderful sermons and teachings, she is "real". She has no problem telling you what a mess she was in the past, and how she still struggles with things today. To me, those people are much more credible than those who pretend to have it all together and to be walking a holy walk in a perfect way.

I enjoy pastors whom, while in the middle of thier sermon, will tell you how they struggle with that particular topic. It makes the whole walk with God seem a little more simple. I think people get turned off by Christians who hide behind fake smiles and try to make you believe that they have no problems.

I am certainly one of those people who laugh when people try to be "fake" and pretend that they have the perfect life, the perfect amount of money, the perfect kids, the perfect political views, the right attitudes, the perfect marriage, the perfect house (one that they remodled themselves none the less) and so forth. PLEASE...nothing turns me off more than people hiding who they really are.

While as your sister in Chirst, I will rejoice when you rejoice and cry when you cry, I want you to also share with me your struggle and how God helped you get through it. I don't want to hear how great things in your life are all the time. When a person is sharing thier real life, I feel that God reveals our divine connection to one another.

I have learned that people don't really care about what car you drive, how great your kids are, how your husband or wife is so loving, or how you are such a great Mom/wife/sister/aunt.......what they do care about is if you will share life with them. Can you really listen and relate to thier struggles and thier hurts? Can you show them that you too, struggle and have hurts? Can you show them how God has healed your hurts and how God loves you even when you fall?

See, when we share our love of God and God's love for us, we have a more effective witness if we are truthful with people and not saying what we think the proper "religious" thing would be. That does not mean I think we should run off at the mouth, but we need to pray and ask for His guidance when sharing ourselves with other.

. God has blessed me with the opportunity over the last few years to share my story with people, many of whom are not believers or have little knowledge of Christ and who He really is. I praise God that He has used my story and my hurt to bring others to Him. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these people identified with my pain, with my struggles, and with my desire to love Him more, and my desire to really KNOW God. I know that by loving people where they are, my lifesong sings to God, and He draws those people to Him through me and my story and my life.


After making the above statement, let me take a moment to share something...last week I heard from a person that I know. She felt the need to share her opinon with me about something on which we do not agree. Not that we completely disagree, but we have different views on what God actually wants from us, so I feel that this must be said:I have very strong views and beliefs about certain things in the Bible. I know with all of my heart that we are to gently share the truth with people , with love. If a person is walking in sin, deliberatley or even out of ignorance, then as a child of God, we ARE to love those people and show God's forgiveness, but we ARE NOT to look the other way. There is a difference in sharing religion and sharing God's love and forgiveness..and truthfully I am not one for religion. I am however in love with God and Christ and am thankful that He is Holy and righteous and only through the blood of Jesus, I am also righteous. We are all sinners, and we all fall short of God's glory...every day. We need Him, and he commissioned us to go into the world and share the Good News. What we are to share with people is His truth and His word, and we are to point them to Christ. I believe that loving someone does not mean we let people remain in ignorance.

My prayer lately is that God allow me to be real, and to also allow more people who are willing to be "real" to rise up and share His love.

Sundays

Today is the one day of the week with which I have a love/hate realtionship. Okay, thats not entirely true...Mondays are like that for me also. Anyway, I digress...
Sundays are wonderful days because I get to go to church and then the rest of the day is usually a quiet family day. Sundays are the days I may actually get to do some reading or planning or whatever I allow myself to do. Sundays are restful days.

However, I hate Sundays too. For one thing, I am NOT a morning person. I am mean in the mornings...just ask my family. Don't talk to me, don't look at me..don't come near me in the morning or you will get the fangs....I hate that I am like this, and would love to change it, but I really think it is a chemical imbalance in my brain. Hard as I may try, mornings are horrible. Sunday mornings are really hard because I am supposed to be getting myself ready to go the God's house and fellowship in worship with other believers. I feel like a fraud on Sunday mornings when I walk through the doors to church, because just an hour earlier, I was staning in the mirror cussing at my hair.

So, while I am sitting her this Sunday, I purpose that maybe I need to get up an hour before everyone else so I will be at least civil to my poor family. I need to try that. Unfortunately, since Isaiah has super sonic Mommy radar...he will be up before me...even if it is before the roosters crow.

Last blog from Myspace

June 25, 2008 - Wednesday
His love letter to me Category: Life
I looked across the fields of wheat today as I drove along I-24. The honey colored waves of grain stood impressively against a lush green background. The trees, the grass, the plants all seems to be applauding. The sky, the color of a robins egg, was bright with the sparkiling sun. The clouds were huge and puffy and reminded me of marshmallows. I cracked the window a little and inhaled deeply, and was immediately filled with a sense of peace that I had not experienced in a few days. As I looked at the beautiful scenery, my heart swelled... and I thought, He loves me...He shows me every single day...He loves me.
The Creator of this universe, Ruler of all things, Lord of lord, King of kings loves ME???? How could this be? I am wretched, I am filthy, I get angry and blow up at my kids, I gossip too much, I am filled with hatred at times, I cuss, I fuss, I am not very nice to people at times, I have periods of unbelief, I act like a jerk, I am a hethan... how could HE love ME? Tears formed in my eyes as I thought about this. I seem to spend most of my time trying to prove to someone I am worthy, I am good enough, and I am loveable, but I fail every single day.I fall short of who I SHOULD be. But, but, but......HE LOVES ME...He wrote me a love letter years ago,He gave me instructions on how to live my life, He sent His son to DIE, to give HIS life , for me. He told me He would never leave me, nor forsake me...He promised...
I look at the trees, the grass, the plants, the sky, the clouds, I notice the song of the birds, the feel of a summer rain...the sound of my kids laughing. Then I realize, they were all presents for ME...He made them for me, the sinful and horrible person that I am. He made the world to worship Him, but He also made these things for me...they are His gifts to the person He loves. He sent HIS child to die for my sins because HE loves ME. I am truly humbled by this thought and then something else occured to me...
It is not about me, and what I am or am not, it is not about MY accomplishments or MY goodness (when I am good) or anything to do with me, but HE loves ME because of who HE is...HE is love...even when bad things happen, HE is love...when good things happen...HE is love when we need him, and even when we try to do this thing called life on our own..HE is love...HE never changes, HE never fails.....HE is the same, yesterday, today and forever...and not only does HE love me....


He loves you, too!

More from Myspace

July 12, 2008 - Saturday
Lost and found
This morning, a dear friend shared a YouTube video with me that has since taken me on a journey . Today I climbed mountains of pride, and slunk through valleys of shame and guilt. I was visited by ghosts of regret and confusion. I swam in a river of self-loathing that was so cold, I feel the iciness of pain lingering on my thoughts. I finally settled in a place of peace that feels as comfortable as the cool summer grass between my toes. I cried tears of release that were so sweet, I wanted to nap afterward. My soul was tired.
Today's journey took me back to summers where all I wanted to do was play outside and splash in the sprinkler, eat a popcicle, and when the day was over, slide between sheets that had been freshly laundered and hung outside to dry. I longed for the days when my parents made all the decisions and my job was just to be a kid and do kid things. I missed catching lightening bugs and going to my grandmother's house.
I thought about the later years that were much darker. The years that came after my parents divorce. Let me preface this by saying that I don't blame my parent's divorce for my choices when I was a teenager. In fact, in a strange way, I know that thier divorce was a blessing. It was something that was necessary for my parents so they could grow into the people they are today. I believe with my heart, thier divorce was necessary for the three children that were a product of thier marriage.
After my Daddy moved out, and my Mom went to work being a single parent, I was so desperate for love and attention that I went from being a cleptomaniac to being very promiscuous. I wanted love and approval and attention. I had a hole in my heart and in my soul, I was was searching desperately for SOMETHING, ANYTHING to fill that void. I looked to boys, I looked to stealing things, I looked to food. I searched for approval from friends. My "real" self did not want to be a "bad" child. In fact, who I really was got smothered when I decided that they only way someone would LOVE me was if I manipulated them into doing so.
It was not until years later that I realized that the void I was feeling and trying to feed with sex, friends, and food, was a void that only God can fill. I will get to that a little more later.
I made it through my teenage years a very hurt, bitter, and confused young lady. Who I was created to be was at war with who I was trying to be. I tried so hard to be something that I was not, and yet I did not know who exactly or what I was trying to be. I just know I wanted to be loved. Unconditionally. I wanted someone to look at me and tell me that no matter how much I messed up, they would NEVER leave me. They would NEVER give up on me, and they loved me. I desperately needed someone to love me wheather I deserved it or not. Most of the time, my actions made it hard to love me.
Fast forward to 1994. I was 19, unmarried, homeless, and pregnant. I thought that having a baby would fill the void that was in my heart (no that is not why I got pregnant). But even though Jazmyne's birth saved my life, the void was still there.
When Jazmyne was almost two, God brought Terrance into our lives, and he began to love me for me. Not because of sex, because we were not doing that. He accepted me as I was. The whole me, including the scars, the insecurites, the past, the unknown, and even through his family's initial disapproval. Terrance was very different than anyone I had been with. He was a Christain, and was a gentleman.
Although I finally had someone in my life that loved me, I still had that giant void.
Now let me say that growing up, I knew about God, and became saved somewhere between the ages of 11 and 13. My family did not attend church regularly, but I knew enough about Him to know I wanted to go to Heaven and I knew that Jesus was the way to get there. Still, I thought that God loved me based on my preformance, and as hard as I would try, I just could not make myself be good enough. I often felt shameful and that God really could not love someone like me...I battled with feelings of not being saved. I battled feelings of not ever being good enough or deserving enough, even though with all my heart I longed for Jesus and to be loved by God.
What I did not realize, and what came to me just within the last few years, is that God loved me anyway...He knew all about me. He knew my struggles and my past, He loved me anyway. He saw( and still sees) past all of that. He knows about the men I slept with (or should I say boys), he knew about the lies, the drugs, the stealing. He knew my shame and loved me anyway. He also never asked me to change myself, but it was through Him that I learned I could not change myself anyway. God had to do it. God had to take that mess I created and clean it up. He wanted to, He loves me, so He began to change me.
I wish I could say that transformation in my life happened overnight, but God does not work that way. I fully believe that with God, he only gives us as much as we can handle and the ultimate desire of God's is that we desire Him more. We go through times of trials, and tests, and hurts, and He teaches us, and He molds us. We have absolutely NO power to do anything on our own. He does it all, He paid for it all...because He loves us.
Many people think that they have to "clean themselves up" before beginning a relationship with God. I was one of those people who thought that way. That is just SO not true. Many people think that as soon as they become saved, they have to stop doing this or that, but you know what....even that is not true. All that God really requires is a yeilded heart. He gave His son Jesus, and all God asks is that we ask Jesus in our hearts and we love Him. All God wants is our hearts and our love. He does the rest. He cleans us up. He takes to desire for sins away. He does that. All we have to do it let him. So, I let Him.
One day, Terrance and I had been arguing. Usually when we argue, it is because I push us to that point.I usually get aggitated and push us to that point when I am feeling insecure or looking to my husband to meet all my needs. Let me tell you this, no one human on this Earth will EVER EVER EVER be able to meet all your needs...no matter how much they love you, and Terrance loves me.Anyway, I digress...we had been arguing and Terrance left. He needed a break and so he left. I fell to my knees and prayed for God to change Terrance....LOL...you know what God did? He let me know right then and there that I was the one He would be changing. He also let me know that no matter WHO was in my life or WHAT was going on...He was the only one that could fulfill me in any way, He was the only one that could change people or circumstances.
God also let me know that even if Terrance NEVER came back, and decided he did not want to be married, God was NEVER going to leave me...He was all I needed...HE loves me, always has and always will . All I had to do is just trust him...By the way, Terrance came back (obviously).
Let me tell you, since that very day, I know that my realtionship with Jesus is a very personal one. He knows me, and He fills my void. He is the one my soul has longed for forever. He is the one that will not leave me, He wont turn his back on me. It took 33 years to know that ...but I am so glad that I do know that now.
So this morning when I was watching the YouTube video, the song Amazing Grace was playing and it rang true for me....I once was lost, but now I'm found ....was blind, but now....I see.

Things I blogged about on Myspace

Below is a blog from my Myspace, and I just wanted to share on here too:


I just finished reading a book called The Shack. It was written by William P Young and it was told to him by Mackenzie Allan Phillips. This book is about Mackenzie Allen Phillips youngest daughter Missy. She was abducted during a family vacation and evidence that she may have been brutally murdered is found at an old abandoned shack deep in the Oregon wilderness. A sadness settles on Mack, this he called The Great Sadness and it lasted four years. One day into the fourth year, Mack received a suspicious note. This note was from God, inviting Mack to come back to the shack for a weekend.
He did not want to go, but Mack went anyway. As Mack walked back into his deepenst nightmare, he found a change that changed his world forever.
This book has changed my own life, and my view of God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit. My shoes were knocked off...my mind has been changed. I am being set free..and He wants that for you.
This is a true story. Missy and Mack are real, and I believe with all my heart that what Mack experienced was real too. This book told me so much more about who God , Jesus and the Holy Spirit are than the world or even the best intentioned pastors have ever related to me. (With the exception of Pastor Dave at The Well in Murfreesboro, he is how I got this book).
If you have ever wondered if there is a God, I challenge you to read this book.
We humans mess up who God really is and and we put him in a box with all these rules that we have to follo, and all these things that people tell us we have to do to get to Heaven. What we dont realize is that Jesus took away the law...the rules, and he covered all of our sins, past, present ,and future....He did that because He loves us...it is not a conditional love based on our performance or how good we are...He just loves us. He is Love the verb.
If you dont believe in God, I submit to you that He believes in you, and he loves you more than your human mind could ever imagine. He does not require you to change before you come to Him, cause you cannot change yourself anyway. All He wants is a relationship with you. Just as you are. He loves you no matter how much you think you have messed up. He is bigger than any mess we could ever make and he just wants to clean us up and love us and heal our hurts. He is just all that and so much more.
If you read this book, it will change your mind and your heart. You will never look at another person the same way, and you will never look at yourself or God the same way. He is so awesome and so wonderful and so loving...and He knows and loves us so much. He does not expect perfection, He really does not expect anything from us. He just desires a relationship. He is not interested in a "check the box" religion where you make sure you read the Bible every day and go to church every time the doors are open. He is not interested in the routine of religion and truly with God, nothing is routine. He does not force himself on us. He is a gentleman and truly he knocks at the door of your heart and just wants you to open up and invite Him in.
If you are interested in reading this book, I have a copy I can let you borrow...heck, I will even buy the book for you...just message me....my desire is that you know God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for what they are....and they are Love...He is love....and we were created to be smack dab in the middle of that love.
is a blog from Myspace that I wrote a while ago. I just wanted to share here.

Take One

I guess I am a statistic. Someone whom begins a blog at the beginning of a new year. Oh well, we all have to start somewhere, right?

First, let me tell you about me. I am 33 years old, married to T, Mama to three kids. One daughter and two sons. I am an Army wife and a Stay-at-home Mom. I am in the process of returning to school to FINALLY finish my degree. I am constantly battling my weight, and thus far, I am losing the battle.

I made a promise to myself that 2009 would be different in so many ways. I promised to do what ever it takes to get healthy. Three days into this year and I am rockin' my commitment. I will definatley be posting about my weight trials. I will be blogging about life in general and I am going to talk a WHOLE lot about God. Without HIM, I am nothing. Without HIM, I can do NOTHING...but through HIM I can do everything

. His Grace and Mercy are the source of my Joy. Jesus is the love of my life and as I grow, he is becoming my best friend.

I am so thankful for the wonderful husband God gave me and the three beautiful kids with whom God trusted me.

I am living in Alabama now, but my hometown in Murfreesboro, TN. I miss Tennessee sometimes, and I miss my family.

I look forward to learning more about myself through the blogging process, and along that journey, I will try not to bore too many of you to tears.