I am so totally in awe of God this week. Truly. It never ceases to amaze me at how much He loves me, the horribly wretched wreck that I am. This week He has blown my socks off.
I have been a stay-at-home Mom for almost ten years. I wish I could say I was one of those Moms who relished their stay-at-home role. I seem to have fought it almost the entire time. Some days are better than others and I cannot imagine NOT being here with my kids, but then there are the really dark days when depression seems to be lurking behind every door and hiding in every corner. I tried for many years, unsuccessfully, to make friends. I found out the hard way that not everyone is nice, and people will hurt you. The worst hurt I experienced in my early married life was from a group of women who all professed to be Christian. Instead of being loving and caring toward me, they decided I was to be banished from their group because I was unstable. The truth of that matter was I was going through TERRIBLE post- partum depression and my husband was in Korea for a year. I lived 6 hours away from my family, and I was alone. Heck yeah I was unstable!
Well, those years set the stage for several years of toxic friendships, and friendships that ultimately did not last. I felt very lonely and always rejected. That, compounded with the isolation of being a stay-at-home Mom, really did some things to my heart, and to my head.
I prayed HARD for God to please send me some female friends. Some good, honest, caring, Christian friends. I used to think that He was not hearing me, or I was just so horrible that I did not deserve any friends. Well, now when I look at that season in my life, I realize He was preparing me. Oh, how great and wise is God! He had to prepare me, he had to dig out all the bad, and plant the good in my soul. He had to make me love him the MOST before He would give me any friends.
Fast forward a few years, I found myself at another military post, and I was very cautious about making friends. I would say hello to people, but I would not DARE let anyone get close to me. I was also still struggling with being a SAHM and seems like I just refused to even go to the MOPS meetings or go to anything they offered on post to connect other Moms. I was damaged and leery of anyone.I did not want to experience that hurt again, and that rejection I felt from the first time I tried to make other Mom friends.
Well, through the Grace of God, I met my neighbor Stephanie. She is a little older than me, she is a LOT wiser, and she is hilarious. God used this woman to heal my heart and let me know that God had prepared my life and my heart for female friends. Through Stephanie, I learned a lot about myself and I learned a lot about God. I then went on to make other friends that have blessed my life in ways that they may NEVER know. Stephanie and I are still friends to this day, and I have a sneaking suspicion that we always will be.
About three months ago, we moved again. Such is the life of a military spouse. I hated leaving Fort Campbell because I had made several friends and I really began to grow into the woman God had been preparing me to grow into. Well, last week was very difficult. I cried and cried for several days. I could not pinpoint exactly what was wrong, except I was very lonely and feeling isolated again. We are very involved in church and I see other ladies at church, but never really have formed any close bonds with them. That is until a friend of Jordan's Mom and I started talking. She has been a blessing and God sent her into my life as well. I also have reconnected with a girlfriend from Fort Campbell who too has moved down to Fort Rucker. I have met a neighbor with whom I have a lot in common, and my daughter's boyfriend's Mom is a woman I am eager to really get to know.
So what does this have to do with God knocking my socks off? Well, in the midst of my tears last week, I cried out to Him and poured all my pain on Him. I told Him I needed friends and I needed Him to show me what exactly I am supposed to be doing, and just like God always does, He gave me exactly what I needed, and I praise Him because this time, I was ready.
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