This post is really for me..I need to put it on "paper". I am sure I will get some flack for it, but I am working through my truths. I am almost 40 and I am learning to get real with myself, so here goes nothing:
It's no secret I've been on the heavier side of life for as long as I can remember. While I was not really a "fat" child, I was bigger than most and would get teased by my 'grandfather". He would say things like "look at that spare tire girl, you need to lose weight" I remember being 8 at the time. He, on the other hand, was a hateful alcoholic who beat my grandmother and my father. He is not my father's real father, therefore, not my grandfather. I am thankful. He died several years ago, and I know you are not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but I am glad he is no longer around. He was not a good "memory" for me, but I digress...
A week ago, I began my millionth excursion into the Weight Watchers world. I know their program works. I began exercising. I lost 6.8 lbs of water in the first week. This is week 2 and I have messed up for three days straight. I cannot seem to find my mojo, and really, I care, but I don't. If I am honest, I am really too tired of trying to lose weight, failing because I don't put in total effort, and then quitting. If I am honest, I don't have the want to.
I just don't WANT to put forth the exhaustive effort to lose a significant amount of weight...BUT paradoxically, I don't want to be fat either. Hence the eternal internal battle.
So what do I do? I have two options, really. Either I don't do anything and stay fat (get fatter), or I do something and lose weight....So what will it be? I wish I had the 'umph' to just do what needs to be done. I am tired of feeling like an embarrassment to my husband and my children and my co-workers, to myself. I hate that I am fat...but not enough to do anything about it. Truth is, the thought of watching what I eat, thinking about calories in versus calories out exhausts me and I become resentful of it. I resent that I have to work REALLY hard at the gym to see any results..and I also resent that I am so friggin tired that I don't want to GO to the gym. UGH...I am tired of this being an issue in my life. I just keep thinking about the thorn in Paul's flesh about which he spoke in the Bible. He said God's grace is sufficient for him...and I know God's grace is sufficient for me, too...but....
This seems to be something I am choosing..and my question to myself is why am I choosing this? What made it work the last time I lost weight and why can I not find that desire again? I am tired of failing...I am tired of hating myself...but then again...I don't care....
