I haven't posted in two days because I have been busy with life. Truthfully, I've just been really tired. I also feel guilty when my husband and I have been apart all day, then when he gets home, I go to the gym for a long time. When I get home, I usually shower and try to spend a few minutes with him until my eyes cannot take it anymore and I have to go to sleep.
The days have gone well. I've had victory in my eating habits in so many ways and last night was a big one. We went out to eat. Santa Fe Cattle Company. It was great...we ordered loaded Nachos and I ate a small plate full. I also ordered a Philly Cheese steak sandwich and fried potatoes...I ate maybe 5 of the potatoes and only half of the sandwich....Usually I would have crammed it all in, you know, not wanting to waste food...but not last night. I ate until I was full and then left the rest alone. I even had a small blizzard. I used all of my weekly allowance points and 3 activity points, but you know what....I needed the mental break and this morning, I am right back on it.
*This post has been edited to avoid needless drama!*
My plan was to work out Monday- Friday this week, but I took off last night (Friday) . As soon as Terrance gets back in from his bike ride, I am going to the gym to get that 5th workout over with. I am sticking to my commitment to myself. No one can do this for me. I am responsible for my body and my fitness. I keep praying and asking for God to help me stick to it. I really do want this.
Thursday night, after I got in from the gym, I broke down in tears. I told Terrance how badly I wanted to lose weight and the fear that I will go back to my old ways becomes overwhelming sometimes. I don't want to go back at all. I want to change my life for good. Sometimes, even already, I get tired of working out. Physically and mentall tired. I just turn off my mind and go anyway. I often wonder if I am really going to stick it out. The only person that can determine my success is ME....and all I can do is take it one day at a time.
I don't plan to fail this time...I truly want to life a healthy lifestyle. I realize that I can have days where I eat a little more, but that CANNOT be a way of life. Even normal eating people indulge every once in a while. The trick is getting right back on the saddle. Even when going out to eat...I don't HAVE to eat everything. I need to listen to my body and I have been doing just that.
Tonight we are going to the drive-in movies. I am excited for the kids because they never have been . It should be fun..
Well, I guess that's all for today. For some reason my words are not flowing freely this morning.
Until tomorrow.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Weigh in day and the beginning of week 3
Today is my weigh in day. This morning I got up and prayed that I was going to see some movement in the downward direction from my scale. 1.8 lbs. I will take that. That brings my total to 8.6lbs in two weeks. I am almost at the 10 lb mark and to be honest, it's been pretty easy.
This afternoon I did a 33 minute Walk Away The Pounds workout. I told my husband I wish I could be content with that, but I am not. After dinner it's to the gym to get about another 40 minutes in. I am a glutton for punishment.
I am feeling pretty good today. Although some chocolate sure does sound good. After dinner I will have the points for it...but I don't know if that is how I want to end my day. I don't NEED it..I just WANT it...or I think I do...we will see how I feel after workout #2.
My daycare being back open is going ok. I have Alex, the 15 year old girl who has CP. She is such a sweetie...and tomorrow for a few hours I will have 4 other little ones. On Friday, i will have a baby for a couple of hours.
I was blessed with another employment opportunity today. So, I may be leaving the daycare business again...and I would not be at all sad. I forgot how much stress was involved in doing Family Child Care on a military base. It's not the kids, it's the FCC office that stresses me out. Inspections, paperwork, planning, and then just the general run of the mill crap. I am praying about this new opportunity and will see how everything plays out.
I am feeling the need to take a deep look at myself coming up soon....I need to figure out why I have been overeating for most of my life. What does food fulfill in me? I am hoping to find the answer to that question along this journey. I have my ideas about a few things and hopefully writing them out will bring some clairty. I sure hope so.
Well, I guess I need to watch my dinner cook before I burn it..
Until tomorrow.
This afternoon I did a 33 minute Walk Away The Pounds workout. I told my husband I wish I could be content with that, but I am not. After dinner it's to the gym to get about another 40 minutes in. I am a glutton for punishment.
I am feeling pretty good today. Although some chocolate sure does sound good. After dinner I will have the points for it...but I don't know if that is how I want to end my day. I don't NEED it..I just WANT it...or I think I do...we will see how I feel after workout #2.
My daycare being back open is going ok. I have Alex, the 15 year old girl who has CP. She is such a sweetie...and tomorrow for a few hours I will have 4 other little ones. On Friday, i will have a baby for a couple of hours.
I was blessed with another employment opportunity today. So, I may be leaving the daycare business again...and I would not be at all sad. I forgot how much stress was involved in doing Family Child Care on a military base. It's not the kids, it's the FCC office that stresses me out. Inspections, paperwork, planning, and then just the general run of the mill crap. I am praying about this new opportunity and will see how everything plays out.
I am feeling the need to take a deep look at myself coming up soon....I need to figure out why I have been overeating for most of my life. What does food fulfill in me? I am hoping to find the answer to that question along this journey. I have my ideas about a few things and hopefully writing them out will bring some clairty. I sure hope so.
Well, I guess I need to watch my dinner cook before I burn it..
Until tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Week 2 Day 7...I don't want to forget.
Last night, while showering, I began to think about my weight loss efforts in the past and my lifestyle change now. Sometimes I have thoughts that nag me. These thoughts ask "what if you can't do this?" and "what if you get off track again and this is just one more failed attempt?". When I have these thoughts, I get scared.
I get scared that I will go back to the way I've always lived my life. I am scared, if only for a minute, that this time will be just like every other time I have tried to lose weight. When I have these thoughts, panic grips my heart and I feel powerless.
Truth is, I am powerless. I cannot change my life...I cannot change my habits. God can. He gives me that power. When Jesus died, He gave me the power to overcome my destructive and abusive ways. The enemy (satan) tries to tell me otherwise. Satan tells me I am a failure and I have always been a failure. Satan does not want to see me succeed because then God will get the glory. Satan wants to keep me defeated. BUT..God gave me a way out. Jesus.
There is a reason that the Bible tells me that " I can do all things through Christ who give me strength" (Phil 4:13). I cannot do things on my own..I am weak and powerless, but with the power of God, of the living Jesus Christ, I CAN do ALL things.
So, how do I battle Satan and his attacks on my mind? I know I need to stay in God's word. I need to discipline myself to stay in His word just like I am disciplining my body and my mind to eat within my parameters. God gives me boundaries,not to restrict me, but to give me freedom.
Sometimes it's hard not to get defeated. I have never been a naturally postive person. In fact, I admit to being a pessimist. I don't LIKE that I have been like that...I have also been a chronic complainer. Why should God bless me anymore if all I am going to do is fuss and complain about everything. I made a decision this weekend to stop complaining. So far ,so good. I think.
This morning I ate three pancakes...and drank coffee...I had av V-8 to kickstart the vegetable intake for the day. I need more vegetables and my choices are getting kinda low. I think for lunch some squash will be sauteed. I am trying to keep my lunch pretty low in calories because I have no idea what tonight's dinner will be. This is a dangerous time for me. When I am tired all day, at the end of the day the last thing I want to do is THINK about what I am putting in my body. What I do know is that I don't want to give in to that way of thinking or NOT thinking again. I resolve to make a good choice for dinner tonight. I resolve to have some vegetables and fruit. I resolve to get my 8 glasses of water in for the day...(guess I need to get started on that one). I resolve that even though I am tired, I will not go back to my old ways.
Change comes from the mind...or at least that is what I am discovering. One day, one choice, one meal at a time.
Well, I supposed the rest of my day awaits. Guess I should go find my water bottle and get started.
Until tomorrow.
I get scared that I will go back to the way I've always lived my life. I am scared, if only for a minute, that this time will be just like every other time I have tried to lose weight. When I have these thoughts, panic grips my heart and I feel powerless.
Truth is, I am powerless. I cannot change my life...I cannot change my habits. God can. He gives me that power. When Jesus died, He gave me the power to overcome my destructive and abusive ways. The enemy (satan) tries to tell me otherwise. Satan tells me I am a failure and I have always been a failure. Satan does not want to see me succeed because then God will get the glory. Satan wants to keep me defeated. BUT..God gave me a way out. Jesus.
There is a reason that the Bible tells me that " I can do all things through Christ who give me strength" (Phil 4:13). I cannot do things on my own..I am weak and powerless, but with the power of God, of the living Jesus Christ, I CAN do ALL things.
So, how do I battle Satan and his attacks on my mind? I know I need to stay in God's word. I need to discipline myself to stay in His word just like I am disciplining my body and my mind to eat within my parameters. God gives me boundaries,not to restrict me, but to give me freedom.
Sometimes it's hard not to get defeated. I have never been a naturally postive person. In fact, I admit to being a pessimist. I don't LIKE that I have been like that...I have also been a chronic complainer. Why should God bless me anymore if all I am going to do is fuss and complain about everything. I made a decision this weekend to stop complaining. So far ,so good. I think.
This morning I ate three pancakes...and drank coffee...I had av V-8 to kickstart the vegetable intake for the day. I need more vegetables and my choices are getting kinda low. I think for lunch some squash will be sauteed. I am trying to keep my lunch pretty low in calories because I have no idea what tonight's dinner will be. This is a dangerous time for me. When I am tired all day, at the end of the day the last thing I want to do is THINK about what I am putting in my body. What I do know is that I don't want to give in to that way of thinking or NOT thinking again. I resolve to make a good choice for dinner tonight. I resolve to have some vegetables and fruit. I resolve to get my 8 glasses of water in for the day...(guess I need to get started on that one). I resolve that even though I am tired, I will not go back to my old ways.
Change comes from the mind...or at least that is what I am discovering. One day, one choice, one meal at a time.
Well, I supposed the rest of my day awaits. Guess I should go find my water bottle and get started.
Until tomorrow.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Week 2 Day 5 and the beginning of day 6
I am still so early in my journey. I still have many things to discover and to work through. I am learning some valuable lessons, albeit lessons I didn't and don't want to accept...but I must. These are only physical lessons, but I have to pay attention and keep on keeping on. I want to learn the important emotional lessons as well.
I did not post yesterday because I was consumed by negative emotions. Emotions...feelings...they are so fickle, they change with the weather it seems and often they leave me in a heap of tears or with anger that is unhealthy...they make me insecure and sad...sometimes they take me on a rollercoaster ride and getting off is a difficult task.
I wonder if these emotions are popping up because I am not turning to food any more? I would say so...
My food choices were pretty good. We even had McDonalds. I really wanted a Angus burger combo, but I got a cheeseburger add tomato and lettuce...satisfied my craving for McDonalds and came in WAY under the calorie budget. I like that I am learning that life has more to offer than food. I like that I am learning how to not deprive myself, but to live within boundaries.
Today was busy. I reopened my daycare and had two kids. One of those children is a 15 year old girl with Cerebral Palsey. She is normally functioning except she is wheelchair bound. Sweet girl. I just know that I have very little upper body strenght...or barely enough to life a 146lb girl without straining. I need to work on my upper body strength as well as my core strength. I am afraid to lift weights just yet. I want to get some pounds off before I start strenght training. I know that may sound conuterintuitive, but I want there to be a little less fat in the way.
After work was done, I had to run to Walmart for a going away gift for one of my daycare kiddos. I have had him for a year and he has become a dear part of my life. I am going to miss him. So is Isaiah. They were the best of friends. That's one of the things that really stinks about the Army. You get attached to people and they leave..or you leave...
Anyway, when Walmart was done, I was really tired. I still managed to make it to the gym and get in my hour of cardio. I feel better now that its over...I just know that getting out of bed tomorrow will be difficult. Getting back in the early morning routine never is easy.
Well, I better go and shower so I can go to sleep.
Until tomorrow...
I did not post yesterday because I was consumed by negative emotions. Emotions...feelings...they are so fickle, they change with the weather it seems and often they leave me in a heap of tears or with anger that is unhealthy...they make me insecure and sad...sometimes they take me on a rollercoaster ride and getting off is a difficult task.
I wonder if these emotions are popping up because I am not turning to food any more? I would say so...
My food choices were pretty good. We even had McDonalds. I really wanted a Angus burger combo, but I got a cheeseburger add tomato and lettuce...satisfied my craving for McDonalds and came in WAY under the calorie budget. I like that I am learning that life has more to offer than food. I like that I am learning how to not deprive myself, but to live within boundaries.
Today was busy. I reopened my daycare and had two kids. One of those children is a 15 year old girl with Cerebral Palsey. She is normally functioning except she is wheelchair bound. Sweet girl. I just know that I have very little upper body strenght...or barely enough to life a 146lb girl without straining. I need to work on my upper body strength as well as my core strength. I am afraid to lift weights just yet. I want to get some pounds off before I start strenght training. I know that may sound conuterintuitive, but I want there to be a little less fat in the way.
After work was done, I had to run to Walmart for a going away gift for one of my daycare kiddos. I have had him for a year and he has become a dear part of my life. I am going to miss him. So is Isaiah. They were the best of friends. That's one of the things that really stinks about the Army. You get attached to people and they leave..or you leave...
Anyway, when Walmart was done, I was really tired. I still managed to make it to the gym and get in my hour of cardio. I feel better now that its over...I just know that getting out of bed tomorrow will be difficult. Getting back in the early morning routine never is easy.
Well, I better go and shower so I can go to sleep.
Until tomorrow...
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Week 2 Day 4
I really cannot believe I am almost two weeks into my new lifestyle. It really is pretty easy. Exercise and eat well. That's all there is to it...I was the one holding myself back all these years. I was the one that decided I wanted to be fat instead of fit...then almost two weeks ago..I decided that being fat wasn't working for me anymore.
Terrance made the statement that I had drawn my line in the sand where my weight was concerned and just made the decision to change what was no longer working for me.
That has me thinking. There are a few other "lines in the sand" that I need to draw. One of those being making the decision to no longer be a victim. For so many years of my life, I have played the victim in whatever situation presented itself. I blamed everything on my crappy childhood. I like to think that I was the victim of parents who didn't love me enough...or step-parents who didn't like me.. I was the victim of people who lied about me, mistreated me, damaged me...and while some of that may be true, I have allowed myself to wallow in that for way too long.
Yes, my childhood was crappy...but SO WHAT..Yes, it could have been better, but really, it could have been so much worse. Truth is, I was raised by a Mom who loved us, worked two and sometimes three jobs to provide for us, and did her best. I was not beaten or abused. I had all that I needed and some of what I wanted. Yes, my parents divorced, but so many other people's parents were divorced also. Yes, my brothers and I were emotionally damaged...but in reality who isn't. I have allowed myself to be the victim of unfortunate circumstances for far too long. I am tired of it. I told my Mom yesterday that I am tired of me.
I am a Christian. I believe that God is the ONLY God..He is all powerful, all knowing, and the creator of everything. I believe in the Trinity and the redemption of my sins paid for by Jesus Christ. I know that Jesus was sent to die for all sinners and that I am saved only by grace. I believe that God is good. I believe that He is just. I believe that His word is true. I believe that He has a good plan for my life and that my purpose is to glorify Him and to live like Jesus. I believe that we cannot possibly wrap our human brains around how much God really does love us..
If I really believe those things...if I really belive that God is good, then I have to believe that everything that has ever happened to me, around me, or because of me...God is using for my good. He is using those things meant for my harm to make me the person He created me to be.
I do not believe that it is His will for me to waste any more of the life He blessed me with being unhappy. Let me qualify that...life on Earth will not be a "happy" one because we do live in a fallen and sinful world. I will not be truly "happy" until I reach Heaven . However, I do belive that I can have JOY that comes only from God. I know that I have to make the decision to have my mind renewed by the word of God. I have to fill my existance with the things of God. I have to find whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (Philppeans 4:8). I have to understand that there is the power of life and death in the tongue and I have to choose to speak life instead of death. I am done speaking death into my existance.
Jesus did not come into this world for me to wallow in self-pity. In God's word, Jesus told me that He came so I could have life and have an abundant life.
I believe it grieves God when I wallow in self-pity and when I choose to remain in the muck and mire that Jesus gave His life to take away.
It is a choice. It is my choice if I am going to let go and TRUST GOD..or if I am going to continue to live in a selfish and small world where I think only of how I didn't or don't have the lifestyle I though I should have. I believe that I sin by feeling sorry for myself when in reality, I deserve nothing good. NOTHING. I actually deserve much worse than what I ever got or ever will get...BUT, GOD LOVES ME...and because He loves me, he doesn't give me what I deserve...instead He blesses me with good things, a good life, and whispers each day that He loves me.
Quite honestly, after writing all this I feel shameful for behaving in the way I've been behaving. I have been so busy complaining about everything instead of enjoying the blessings around me. I have been listening to the world and comparing myself to worldly standards.
I've been doing everything wrong.
I put more empahsis on what my neighbors think about my parenting skills instead of what GOD thinks of my parenting skills. I've been too busy feeling sorry for myself because of things that happened instead of being thankful that I am alive and that God spared me from what COULD have happened.
I am a blessed person. I have a husband who loves me, three beautiful, healthy, smart children, I have parents who love me, brothers who tolerate me (but love me in their own way) I have health, peace, enough money to pay my bills and some extra for little things, I have the freedom to worship where I choose. I have a car that is in good working order. I have a food, shelter, and clothing. I have more material things than I need. I am abundantly blessed. Blessed.
My whole attitude has been really stinky for a long time. For that I apologize to God. I am thankful that I have the rest of this day to live a thankful life. I pray that each day that God allows me to see, I will remember what I have instead of what I don't. I pray that I will glorify God with my thoughts and actions. I pray that He will continue to change me. Inside and out.
My weight is only one of the transformations I am making. I do recognize that I cannot change anything..not even my weight...on my own..it is ALL GOD...and for any good that comes from me, any weight that I lose, any change that I make..it is GOD who gets the GLORY...I pray that today is my starting point, my rebirth of personality if you will. I pray that as I make healthy food choices I will make healthy THOUGHT choices as well.
I pray that as I exercise my body, I will exercise the power of God's word in my life. I will use my mouth for good words instead of negative words. As I renew my body, I pray that God's word will renew my mind.
Today I am making that choice to change my life......all of it...
If you are someone who is reading my blog and you don't have a relationship with God through Jesus...I urge you not to wait too much longer. If you need to know how...just send me a message. He loves YOU just like He loves ME. What He did for me, He will do for you. That's guaranteed!
Until tomorrow!
Terrance made the statement that I had drawn my line in the sand where my weight was concerned and just made the decision to change what was no longer working for me.
That has me thinking. There are a few other "lines in the sand" that I need to draw. One of those being making the decision to no longer be a victim. For so many years of my life, I have played the victim in whatever situation presented itself. I blamed everything on my crappy childhood. I like to think that I was the victim of parents who didn't love me enough...or step-parents who didn't like me.. I was the victim of people who lied about me, mistreated me, damaged me...and while some of that may be true, I have allowed myself to wallow in that for way too long.
Yes, my childhood was crappy...but SO WHAT..Yes, it could have been better, but really, it could have been so much worse. Truth is, I was raised by a Mom who loved us, worked two and sometimes three jobs to provide for us, and did her best. I was not beaten or abused. I had all that I needed and some of what I wanted. Yes, my parents divorced, but so many other people's parents were divorced also. Yes, my brothers and I were emotionally damaged...but in reality who isn't. I have allowed myself to be the victim of unfortunate circumstances for far too long. I am tired of it. I told my Mom yesterday that I am tired of me.
I am a Christian. I believe that God is the ONLY God..He is all powerful, all knowing, and the creator of everything. I believe in the Trinity and the redemption of my sins paid for by Jesus Christ. I know that Jesus was sent to die for all sinners and that I am saved only by grace. I believe that God is good. I believe that He is just. I believe that His word is true. I believe that He has a good plan for my life and that my purpose is to glorify Him and to live like Jesus. I believe that we cannot possibly wrap our human brains around how much God really does love us..
If I really believe those things...if I really belive that God is good, then I have to believe that everything that has ever happened to me, around me, or because of me...God is using for my good. He is using those things meant for my harm to make me the person He created me to be.
I do not believe that it is His will for me to waste any more of the life He blessed me with being unhappy. Let me qualify that...life on Earth will not be a "happy" one because we do live in a fallen and sinful world. I will not be truly "happy" until I reach Heaven . However, I do belive that I can have JOY that comes only from God. I know that I have to make the decision to have my mind renewed by the word of God. I have to fill my existance with the things of God. I have to find whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (Philppeans 4:8). I have to understand that there is the power of life and death in the tongue and I have to choose to speak life instead of death. I am done speaking death into my existance.
Jesus did not come into this world for me to wallow in self-pity. In God's word, Jesus told me that He came so I could have life and have an abundant life.
I believe it grieves God when I wallow in self-pity and when I choose to remain in the muck and mire that Jesus gave His life to take away.
It is a choice. It is my choice if I am going to let go and TRUST GOD..or if I am going to continue to live in a selfish and small world where I think only of how I didn't or don't have the lifestyle I though I should have. I believe that I sin by feeling sorry for myself when in reality, I deserve nothing good. NOTHING. I actually deserve much worse than what I ever got or ever will get...BUT, GOD LOVES ME...and because He loves me, he doesn't give me what I deserve...instead He blesses me with good things, a good life, and whispers each day that He loves me.
Quite honestly, after writing all this I feel shameful for behaving in the way I've been behaving. I have been so busy complaining about everything instead of enjoying the blessings around me. I have been listening to the world and comparing myself to worldly standards.
I've been doing everything wrong.
I put more empahsis on what my neighbors think about my parenting skills instead of what GOD thinks of my parenting skills. I've been too busy feeling sorry for myself because of things that happened instead of being thankful that I am alive and that God spared me from what COULD have happened.
I am a blessed person. I have a husband who loves me, three beautiful, healthy, smart children, I have parents who love me, brothers who tolerate me (but love me in their own way) I have health, peace, enough money to pay my bills and some extra for little things, I have the freedom to worship where I choose. I have a car that is in good working order. I have a food, shelter, and clothing. I have more material things than I need. I am abundantly blessed. Blessed.
My whole attitude has been really stinky for a long time. For that I apologize to God. I am thankful that I have the rest of this day to live a thankful life. I pray that each day that God allows me to see, I will remember what I have instead of what I don't. I pray that I will glorify God with my thoughts and actions. I pray that He will continue to change me. Inside and out.
My weight is only one of the transformations I am making. I do recognize that I cannot change anything..not even my weight...on my own..it is ALL GOD...and for any good that comes from me, any weight that I lose, any change that I make..it is GOD who gets the GLORY...I pray that today is my starting point, my rebirth of personality if you will. I pray that as I make healthy food choices I will make healthy THOUGHT choices as well.
I pray that as I exercise my body, I will exercise the power of God's word in my life. I will use my mouth for good words instead of negative words. As I renew my body, I pray that God's word will renew my mind.
Today I am making that choice to change my life......all of it...
If you are someone who is reading my blog and you don't have a relationship with God through Jesus...I urge you not to wait too much longer. If you need to know how...just send me a message. He loves YOU just like He loves ME. What He did for me, He will do for you. That's guaranteed!
Until tomorrow!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Week 2 Day 3
This post is here only to say that I have a lot to say about some things, but honestly, I am tired and it will have to wait until tomorrow. I had a great day as far as eating and I did get my hour of cardio in. I am going to enjoy two days of rest and spend time with my family. I am also going to spend time with God. I've been neglecting Him and by doing so, I have been battling a case of the "poor me"...
Have a good night..
Until tomorrow!
Have a good night..
Until tomorrow!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Week 2 Day 2...Hungry..
When I woke up this morning, I was already dreading my workout. I think know my body is tired from working out really hard for over an hour each day. However, today was not a planned rest day, so I went ahead and took myself to the gym. 70 minutes later, I was extremely tired. I am wondering if working out in the mornings will be harder for me since I tend to be very tired after....hmmm...something to experiment with...anyway, I digress..
I learned today that not everything in the gym is meant for short people. The arc trainer is one of those machines. I thougt I was going to get my warm up done on that thing...but I only lasted 5 minutes before I had to quit. It was not a comfortable experience at all. However, I did 35 minutes on the recumbant bike and 35 minutes on the elliptical with my resistance and crossramp at a higher level than I am used to.
Go ME!!
I know that with exercise, our bodies need more fuel. Today had been one heckuva hungry day! This morning before the gym I ate some yogurt and had a cup of coffee. When I returned I ate a banana, drank a v-8, and had some grits. An hour and a half later, I was starving. For lunch I ate 3 cups of sauteed zucchini and squash with some cheese and a tbs. of light blue cheese dressing...two hours later...STARVING again.
Dinner tonight is Subway and baked chips. I've also had granola bars, cantaloupe, and enough water to bring the Titanic back to the surface....I am hoping Subway will kill this hunger monster. Maybe because I have not had all that much protein today I am hungrier...who knows. I will just keep adjusting my diet and listening to my body.
This morning in the gym, I had a moment. There was this little-bitty-blonde-barbie-doll on the elliptical when I walked over. She kinda laughed and turned her head toward the guy next to her and smiled...hmmm...I know I can be a bit paranoid, but I am not so sure she wasn't laughing at me. I don't know why that killed my mood, but it did.
Why do we do that? Why do we let other people's opinions influence the way we feel about ourselves? Why should I care if she WAS laughing at me. That says more about her ignorance than it does my girth. Maybe she was laughing at something on her Ipod and I just happened to walk up and catch her eye at that precise moment.
Whatever it was...it's over and tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully I won't encounter blondie anymore while at the gym.
Until tomorrow...
I learned today that not everything in the gym is meant for short people. The arc trainer is one of those machines. I thougt I was going to get my warm up done on that thing...but I only lasted 5 minutes before I had to quit. It was not a comfortable experience at all. However, I did 35 minutes on the recumbant bike and 35 minutes on the elliptical with my resistance and crossramp at a higher level than I am used to.
Go ME!!
I know that with exercise, our bodies need more fuel. Today had been one heckuva hungry day! This morning before the gym I ate some yogurt and had a cup of coffee. When I returned I ate a banana, drank a v-8, and had some grits. An hour and a half later, I was starving. For lunch I ate 3 cups of sauteed zucchini and squash with some cheese and a tbs. of light blue cheese dressing...two hours later...STARVING again.
Dinner tonight is Subway and baked chips. I've also had granola bars, cantaloupe, and enough water to bring the Titanic back to the surface....I am hoping Subway will kill this hunger monster. Maybe because I have not had all that much protein today I am hungrier...who knows. I will just keep adjusting my diet and listening to my body.
This morning in the gym, I had a moment. There was this little-bitty-blonde-barbie-doll on the elliptical when I walked over. She kinda laughed and turned her head toward the guy next to her and smiled...hmmm...I know I can be a bit paranoid, but I am not so sure she wasn't laughing at me. I don't know why that killed my mood, but it did.
Why do we do that? Why do we let other people's opinions influence the way we feel about ourselves? Why should I care if she WAS laughing at me. That says more about her ignorance than it does my girth. Maybe she was laughing at something on her Ipod and I just happened to walk up and catch her eye at that precise moment.
Whatever it was...it's over and tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully I won't encounter blondie anymore while at the gym.
Until tomorrow...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Weigh-in day and one tired Mama Week 2 Day 1
So, this morning was my weigh in. I have to admit, I was nervous. I so desperatly wanted to see a loss and I knew I was rocking my new lifestyle. I stripped to my birthday suit because goodness knows silk pajamas can really be heavy on the scale (not)...and I stepped on...256...6.8 lbs down. Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!! I really thought I would be more excited than I was, but honestly, I was pretty calm about the whole thing. I think my mindset now is that weightloss is a positive byproduct of my new healthy lifestyle. I am going to live like this for the rest of my and I can expect more weight to come off. Also, I know that the scale is only one indicator of success...Don't get me wrong, I am proud of that loss...and I will guard it with my life.
The rest of the day has been pretty drama free. I've eaten within all my points and I have a few left over for a small treat and glass of milk before bed.
I am a tired Mama tonight. I barely made it through my hour of cardio. Honestly, I think I am still recovering from pushing myself yesterday. I still hung in there though. I have to admit, I enjoy the gym in part because of the eye candy. I love and adore my husband and would never, ever, ever do anything to ruin what God has blessed me with...but wow, there are some really fit people in there and it's fun watching them work out. Plus the music on my MP3 (yes, I am in the stone ages)player is really good music and makes me want to dance.
Speaking of dance, I have already decided that when I get 50 lbs gone, I am going to do Zumba and find a Belly Dancing Class. Belly Dancing is really sexy to me...and I wanna shock the socks off of Mr. Smith. I wish I could dance like Shakira...wow..she must have a ball bearing in her back...
Anyway, please forgive me for the short post, I am really going to have to go to bed early. Y'all take care
Until tomorrow...
The rest of the day has been pretty drama free. I've eaten within all my points and I have a few left over for a small treat and glass of milk before bed.
I am a tired Mama tonight. I barely made it through my hour of cardio. Honestly, I think I am still recovering from pushing myself yesterday. I still hung in there though. I have to admit, I enjoy the gym in part because of the eye candy. I love and adore my husband and would never, ever, ever do anything to ruin what God has blessed me with...but wow, there are some really fit people in there and it's fun watching them work out. Plus the music on my MP3 (yes, I am in the stone ages)player is really good music and makes me want to dance.
Speaking of dance, I have already decided that when I get 50 lbs gone, I am going to do Zumba and find a Belly Dancing Class. Belly Dancing is really sexy to me...and I wanna shock the socks off of Mr. Smith. I wish I could dance like Shakira...wow..she must have a ball bearing in her back...
Anyway, please forgive me for the short post, I am really going to have to go to bed early. Y'all take care
Until tomorrow...
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Seven whole days and the fattest one in the gym
Well, today concludes a week. Seven whole days of my new life. Tomorrow morning I will face the scale and use that one tool as a measurement of my progress. Whatever the scales says in the morning, I will accept and move on. I already have a plan for how this will play out. I am going to weigh myself for the first four weeks on every Wednesday. After a month, I will weigh myself only once a month, on the 14th of the month.
Why am I doing this? Well, I know from past experience that the scale can really mess with my head. I am not going to let it do that this time. The scale lies sometimes and the scale can only show one picture of my weightloss success. I am not going to be a slave to the scale. I am going to respect my body no matter if the scale is moving or not . Even if it does not move, I am still doing good things for my body. I am increasing my quality of life. I am gaining endurance and stamina and energy. I am also gaining confidence.
We survived Chuck E Cheese. I ate a salad and once piece of cheese pizza. I also had a huge cookie...but I tracked it and did wonderfully. I had the points and I did not feel deprived. I rocked Chuck E Cheese, y'all.
I decided I was going to go ahead and hit the gym before Terrance got home. I gathered my gear and headed out. The gym was not full, but had more people in it than other times I've gone. My gym could be intimidating if I let it. I live on a military base and soldiers, both male and female, work out there. These people HAVE to be fit...they have no choice if they plan to stay in the Army... I was definatley the fattest one in the room. I am sure they noticed, but you know what, I rocked my work out anyway. In fact, I pushed myself harder and longer than I have in the last week. I did 80...yes EIGHTY minutes of cardio. I LOVE to sweat...LOVE IT...I love the feeling I have when I leave the gym...head held high, shoulders back, and a bounce in my step. I may be a fat girl now...but give me a year and I am gonna be one hot Mama. I know this and I look forward to it. When I find myself wanting to quit my workout early, I close my eyes and visualize what I hope I look like...(my ninth grade year for those of you who remember...curvy, thick, but cute...I am coming back like gangbusters!)
I came home and was starving. I ate a healthy dinner and was still a little hungry. Being a little hungry is ok. I am not gonna starve...and I can eat again tomorrow. I've had my calorie allowance for today and even ate some activity points (the extra points Weight Watchers allows for exercise).
I am so proud of myself. I love myself more today than I did seven days ago. I pray for God to help me every morning and I thank God every night for giving me strength to make it another day. I refuse to fail. This is about my life...it's about my time...and it's about being able to do "all things through Christ who gives me strength."
This afternoon I received an email from a friend from high school...her e-mail touched my heart. Since I've decided to make a new life for myself, I've received several e-mails from several people. Each time someone cheers me on or offers advice, I take it to heart. I knew when I began my journey that getting to my goal weight was not going to be the only blessing from this experience. I knew that all along the way, there would be many blessings...in seven short days there have already been many. Each time a friend sends an encouraging e-mail, I am strengthened a little more...for me, there is no failing...and there is no better time than now...To all the people who've already reached out to offer an encouraging word, please know I am so thankful for each one of you. I know that I am not doing this alone.
Until tomorrow!
Why am I doing this? Well, I know from past experience that the scale can really mess with my head. I am not going to let it do that this time. The scale lies sometimes and the scale can only show one picture of my weightloss success. I am not going to be a slave to the scale. I am going to respect my body no matter if the scale is moving or not . Even if it does not move, I am still doing good things for my body. I am increasing my quality of life. I am gaining endurance and stamina and energy. I am also gaining confidence.
We survived Chuck E Cheese. I ate a salad and once piece of cheese pizza. I also had a huge cookie...but I tracked it and did wonderfully. I had the points and I did not feel deprived. I rocked Chuck E Cheese, y'all.
I decided I was going to go ahead and hit the gym before Terrance got home. I gathered my gear and headed out. The gym was not full, but had more people in it than other times I've gone. My gym could be intimidating if I let it. I live on a military base and soldiers, both male and female, work out there. These people HAVE to be fit...they have no choice if they plan to stay in the Army... I was definatley the fattest one in the room. I am sure they noticed, but you know what, I rocked my work out anyway. In fact, I pushed myself harder and longer than I have in the last week. I did 80...yes EIGHTY minutes of cardio. I LOVE to sweat...LOVE IT...I love the feeling I have when I leave the gym...head held high, shoulders back, and a bounce in my step. I may be a fat girl now...but give me a year and I am gonna be one hot Mama. I know this and I look forward to it. When I find myself wanting to quit my workout early, I close my eyes and visualize what I hope I look like...(my ninth grade year for those of you who remember...curvy, thick, but cute...I am coming back like gangbusters!)
I came home and was starving. I ate a healthy dinner and was still a little hungry. Being a little hungry is ok. I am not gonna starve...and I can eat again tomorrow. I've had my calorie allowance for today and even ate some activity points (the extra points Weight Watchers allows for exercise).
I am so proud of myself. I love myself more today than I did seven days ago. I pray for God to help me every morning and I thank God every night for giving me strength to make it another day. I refuse to fail. This is about my life...it's about my time...and it's about being able to do "all things through Christ who gives me strength."
This afternoon I received an email from a friend from high school...her e-mail touched my heart. Since I've decided to make a new life for myself, I've received several e-mails from several people. Each time someone cheers me on or offers advice, I take it to heart. I knew when I began my journey that getting to my goal weight was not going to be the only blessing from this experience. I knew that all along the way, there would be many blessings...in seven short days there have already been many. Each time a friend sends an encouraging e-mail, I am strengthened a little more...for me, there is no failing...and there is no better time than now...To all the people who've already reached out to offer an encouraging word, please know I am so thankful for each one of you. I know that I am not doing this alone.
Until tomorrow!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Today is day six...
Today was a little on the strange side. When I got up I was still so much in a haze that I stumbled to the coffee pot...had to get that thing going if I was going to make any sense of the day. I came to the computer room to read blogs, catch up on facebook, and play a few games of bejeweled blitz. Before I knew it, it was 11 and I had not eaten breakfast. I was also lollygagging because, once again, I expected the Occupational Health Nurse to do my annual daycare inspection so I could reopen...( I closed my daycare for the summer so I could be with my kids). Once again, she did not show up. I knew I had better eat so I had my breakfast around 11:30.
When Terrance came home for lunch I told him that I really am not missing anything yet and I don't feel deprived. It's funny how things work when you make up your mind to do something. I like how I physically feel right now,and I know that as the pounds come off, I will feel even better.
I had a Dr. appt that took most of the afternoon so I did not eat lunch until 3:45. Dinner was at 6:45 and then I hit the gym. An hour of solid cardio will reframe your entire state of mind. I am thankful for that because I am still battling a case of the bitchy...
I don't want this blog to be where I whine about every little thing that pisses me off, but sometimes I will be talking about those things. They are a part of me...a part that I need to change, but still a part of me.
Anyway, tomorrow the kids and I are being summoned to Chuck E. Cheese for the birthday gathering of a little boy whom I used to keep. I know my youngest will have fun and I just hope they still have a salad bar.
Until tomorrow...
When Terrance came home for lunch I told him that I really am not missing anything yet and I don't feel deprived. It's funny how things work when you make up your mind to do something. I like how I physically feel right now,and I know that as the pounds come off, I will feel even better.
I had a Dr. appt that took most of the afternoon so I did not eat lunch until 3:45. Dinner was at 6:45 and then I hit the gym. An hour of solid cardio will reframe your entire state of mind. I am thankful for that because I am still battling a case of the bitchy...
I don't want this blog to be where I whine about every little thing that pisses me off, but sometimes I will be talking about those things. They are a part of me...a part that I need to change, but still a part of me.
Anyway, tomorrow the kids and I are being summoned to Chuck E. Cheese for the birthday gathering of a little boy whom I used to keep. I know my youngest will have fun and I just hope they still have a salad bar.
Until tomorrow...
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I knew it was coming...day 5
I knew in my journey this time, I was going to have to learn to deal with emotions that would surface. I was trying to prepare to fight this battle...but I really did not expect it to come so soon. I knew that I would have to deal with the emotional pains that led me to weigh 262 lbs. I knew I would have to make peace with the events in my past that taught me to deal with my emotions by eating them.
This morning arrived with me in a foul mood. Really, that's nothing new because God knows when He created me, he forgot the "morning person" ingredient. Happy in the a.m. hours, I am not! However, even as the day progressed, I was still grouchy. I knew why I was grouchy...it comes down to my expectations and how I deal with and relate to other people. As long as I keep people at a distance, then they can't hurt me...but as soon as I let someone get to know me, even just a little, something happens and I find myself looking for ways to excuse myself from that relationship. Makes for a pretty lonley existance.
Anyway, those feelings usually would have me trying to find something in the kitchen to comfort me. (There is a reason some foods are called comfort foods)..However, I know I really want this time to be different. Instead of rummaging through my cabinets for something to numb me, I asked my husband if we could talk. We went outside on our swing in hotter-than-hades heat and we talked. Well, I talked and he listened.
These raw emotions surfaced in part because of a recent even with my step-father when we were home on vacation. I know that we all have pain from our past and our childhood., but for some reason I have been stuck in that pain for over 20 years. There is a little girl inside of me that needs some explanations.
I keep trying to figure out why both of my parents married someone who really didn't like me or my brothers..I keep trying to figure out what was wrong with us that even our parents didn't want to protect us from people who didn't like us..My step-parents never beat us or verbally abused us, but the hurt that remains after being rejected is sometimes still as fresh as it was 20 years ago.
I cognitively realize that my parents DID and DO love us. Logically, I can understand that their choices were more about their flaws than they were a testament to the worthiness of my brothers and me.
Because my parents are human and flawed, they didn't reassure us that they still loved us and both of my parents allowed my brothers and me to be the scapegoats when things weren't going well. According to my step-parents, my brothers and I were problem children. In a way, I guess we were. We watched my parent's marriage deteriorate and we were left hurt, confused, and sad. No one bothered to make sure WE were ok before moving on to a new life. My Dad remarried less than 6 months after my parent's divorce was final and my Mom started dating my step-dad not too long after that.
I am gonna get side tracked for a minute..but bear with me. It's really hard for me to sympathize with people who have step-children about whom they complain.
I was that step-child being complained about.
I was the step-child that got on my step -parents nerves (probably still do..at least I know for sure I get on my step-dad's nerves).
I was the step-child that "caused problems"..
I was the step-child that caught hell for everything even when my step-parent's kids did the same thing, and in some cases, worse. Don't get me wrong, I was NO angel when I was growing up...but I was trying to find my way and I was trying to find that love I was craving.
I look at it like this...long before you came into your spouse's life, those kids were there. Those children do not have to be a constant reminder of the past your spouse had with someone else. Those kids are an opportunity for you to love another part of your partner. Those kids only really want to know that their father/mother did not replace them and that they still love them so very much. Those step-kids that are getting on your nerves really just want you to accept and love them too. They are hurt and scared and they just need to know that Daddy or Mommy will love them even when Mommy and Daddy have different, new, and separate lives. Divorce is hard on children. VERY hard on the children. If you are a step-parent, please take it from a step-child...you can play a very important role in their lives..either a positive role or a negative role. You, too, are shaping these kids and their future beliefs about themselves. Embrace these kids and learn to keep your feelings in check when it comes to your spouse's ex.Allow your spouse to be alone with their kids sometimes. Remember that these children are not in competition with you. EVER!
Ok, back to the story.....Terrance and I sat on the swing and I dealt with the hurt that was surfacing. He was able to help me look at things with a new set of eyes and a different perspective. It was not easy and well...it hurt....but we got through it. I did not eat my feelings and that was a big deal.
This evening, I feel a little better. I told Terrance that during my journey, there would be many more times that things would surface and I was going to have to find new ways to deal with them. I asked him to be patient with me. He said he will...we will see...I can be quite taxing on a person's nerves. I am tired and I need some rest.
Tomorrow I go back to working on running a mile. I am just hoping that my legs won't rebel too much and I can make it as far as I plan to go. Wish me luck...
Until tomorrow..
This morning arrived with me in a foul mood. Really, that's nothing new because God knows when He created me, he forgot the "morning person" ingredient. Happy in the a.m. hours, I am not! However, even as the day progressed, I was still grouchy. I knew why I was grouchy...it comes down to my expectations and how I deal with and relate to other people. As long as I keep people at a distance, then they can't hurt me...but as soon as I let someone get to know me, even just a little, something happens and I find myself looking for ways to excuse myself from that relationship. Makes for a pretty lonley existance.
Anyway, those feelings usually would have me trying to find something in the kitchen to comfort me. (There is a reason some foods are called comfort foods)..However, I know I really want this time to be different. Instead of rummaging through my cabinets for something to numb me, I asked my husband if we could talk. We went outside on our swing in hotter-than-hades heat and we talked. Well, I talked and he listened.
These raw emotions surfaced in part because of a recent even with my step-father when we were home on vacation. I know that we all have pain from our past and our childhood., but for some reason I have been stuck in that pain for over 20 years. There is a little girl inside of me that needs some explanations.
I keep trying to figure out why both of my parents married someone who really didn't like me or my brothers..I keep trying to figure out what was wrong with us that even our parents didn't want to protect us from people who didn't like us..My step-parents never beat us or verbally abused us, but the hurt that remains after being rejected is sometimes still as fresh as it was 20 years ago.
I cognitively realize that my parents DID and DO love us. Logically, I can understand that their choices were more about their flaws than they were a testament to the worthiness of my brothers and me.
Because my parents are human and flawed, they didn't reassure us that they still loved us and both of my parents allowed my brothers and me to be the scapegoats when things weren't going well. According to my step-parents, my brothers and I were problem children. In a way, I guess we were. We watched my parent's marriage deteriorate and we were left hurt, confused, and sad. No one bothered to make sure WE were ok before moving on to a new life. My Dad remarried less than 6 months after my parent's divorce was final and my Mom started dating my step-dad not too long after that.
I am gonna get side tracked for a minute..but bear with me. It's really hard for me to sympathize with people who have step-children about whom they complain.
I was that step-child being complained about.
I was the step-child that got on my step -parents nerves (probably still do..at least I know for sure I get on my step-dad's nerves).
I was the step-child that "caused problems"..
I was the step-child that caught hell for everything even when my step-parent's kids did the same thing, and in some cases, worse. Don't get me wrong, I was NO angel when I was growing up...but I was trying to find my way and I was trying to find that love I was craving.
I look at it like this...long before you came into your spouse's life, those kids were there. Those children do not have to be a constant reminder of the past your spouse had with someone else. Those kids are an opportunity for you to love another part of your partner. Those kids only really want to know that their father/mother did not replace them and that they still love them so very much. Those step-kids that are getting on your nerves really just want you to accept and love them too. They are hurt and scared and they just need to know that Daddy or Mommy will love them even when Mommy and Daddy have different, new, and separate lives. Divorce is hard on children. VERY hard on the children. If you are a step-parent, please take it from a step-child...you can play a very important role in their lives..either a positive role or a negative role. You, too, are shaping these kids and their future beliefs about themselves. Embrace these kids and learn to keep your feelings in check when it comes to your spouse's ex.Allow your spouse to be alone with their kids sometimes. Remember that these children are not in competition with you. EVER!
Ok, back to the story.....Terrance and I sat on the swing and I dealt with the hurt that was surfacing. He was able to help me look at things with a new set of eyes and a different perspective. It was not easy and well...it hurt....but we got through it. I did not eat my feelings and that was a big deal.
This evening, I feel a little better. I told Terrance that during my journey, there would be many more times that things would surface and I was going to have to find new ways to deal with them. I asked him to be patient with me. He said he will...we will see...I can be quite taxing on a person's nerves. I am tired and I need some rest.
Tomorrow I go back to working on running a mile. I am just hoping that my legs won't rebel too much and I can make it as far as I plan to go. Wish me luck...
Until tomorrow..
It started in my mind. Day 4
This morning, I was in the shower praying. I have to go take a shower to pray because that is where I can be alone with God and really talk to Him. In my prayer time I discovered something. A long while ago I asked God to help me lose this weight. What He did was prepare me. He started changing my mind and my heart. He would give me gentle reminders of my goals and He would show me what my body was made for. I believe with all my heart that it is because of His prompting, I finally made up my mind to get healthy and lose weight.
Today was a great day. I was going to rest from exercise, but did not. I could not believe the amount of energy I had when I woke up. I went to the gym for an hour. I spent 15 minutes warming up on the treadmill, 30 minutes on the elliptical, and 15 minutes cooling down. Then we went swimming. Truthfully, I did not swim long. I was tired. My kids enjoyed the pool and had fun until it began to thunder. Tomorrow (Sunday) is my rest day. I have committed to exercising 5-6 days a week NO EXCUSES..and on Sunday I will rest.
I learned something about myself today. WhenI am tired, I am in a food danger zone. I want to eat. I was not hungry...but the tiredness made me snack a little more. I know I really have to work on that one. I managed to stay within my calorie goals, but were it not for my exercise today, I would have gone over my budget. I also had a moment this evening when I just wanted to eat something because I was upset. Again, thank goodness for exercise!
I don't consider my reaching for something out of emotional issues or tiredness a fail today...I learned something about myself. I am also trying desperately to get out of a "diet" mentality. Reality is, I have to change my life for the rest of my life. There is NO going back. I know I will slip..because "normal" eaters slip..but I cannot allow my slips to become a slide. I am learning to love myself more than that. I am learning to cherish my life. I am learning that although I cannot control other people or things, , I CAN and WILL control how I treat my body. The only person I have control over is myself. That is a powerful realization. I thank God that He has revealed that to me and I am glad I am at a place to receive that knowlege.
I expect throughout my journey, there will be many more opportunties to choose to look beyond the immediate feeling/situation and make the choice that will place me one step closer to my goals. Until then I will treat myself with love and respect....after all, I AM my biggest cheerleader.
Until tomorrow...
Today was a great day. I was going to rest from exercise, but did not. I could not believe the amount of energy I had when I woke up. I went to the gym for an hour. I spent 15 minutes warming up on the treadmill, 30 minutes on the elliptical, and 15 minutes cooling down. Then we went swimming. Truthfully, I did not swim long. I was tired. My kids enjoyed the pool and had fun until it began to thunder. Tomorrow (Sunday) is my rest day. I have committed to exercising 5-6 days a week NO EXCUSES..and on Sunday I will rest.
I learned something about myself today. WhenI am tired, I am in a food danger zone. I want to eat. I was not hungry...but the tiredness made me snack a little more. I know I really have to work on that one. I managed to stay within my calorie goals, but were it not for my exercise today, I would have gone over my budget. I also had a moment this evening when I just wanted to eat something because I was upset. Again, thank goodness for exercise!
I don't consider my reaching for something out of emotional issues or tiredness a fail today...I learned something about myself. I am also trying desperately to get out of a "diet" mentality. Reality is, I have to change my life for the rest of my life. There is NO going back. I know I will slip..because "normal" eaters slip..but I cannot allow my slips to become a slide. I am learning to love myself more than that. I am learning to cherish my life. I am learning that although I cannot control other people or things, , I CAN and WILL control how I treat my body. The only person I have control over is myself. That is a powerful realization. I thank God that He has revealed that to me and I am glad I am at a place to receive that knowlege.
I expect throughout my journey, there will be many more opportunties to choose to look beyond the immediate feeling/situation and make the choice that will place me one step closer to my goals. Until then I will treat myself with love and respect....after all, I AM my biggest cheerleader.
Until tomorrow...
Friday, July 16, 2010
Day THREE
Amazing. That's what today was. My morning started a little rough because I *thought* I was going to have another inspection. I also had a CPR challenge, so I did not eat breakfast until I had been awake for two hours. When I did eat, all I had was a banana and, of course, coffee. It was a hungry morning and did not go as I planned, but learning to adapt to stressful situations without ditching my goals is part of this process. I made it to lunch successfully and ate a wonderfully satisfying and healthy meal. I also aced my CPR challenge and I feel ready to save a life should the need occur.
Over the last three days I have really been listening to my body. I noticed that when I eat breakfast within a reasonable time from getting out of bed, I have no problem making it until lunch before eating again.
Lunch until dinner is a different story. I need a snack at 3. Today, we were at counseling when 3 rolled around, so I didn't get my snack. When we left the office we had to make a trip to Wal-Mart. Shopping while starving is a dangerous thing for me. I managed to choose a healthy snack and felt a whole lot better after eating it on the way home.
Dinner was especially wonderful..not because of the taste of the food but because I stopped eating when I was full.....For me, that is a major victory. I did not finish my dinner because that internal mechanism that God gave me signaled that I had enough..so I put the rest of my dinner in the micorwave in case I got hungry after my walk. Y'all..never have I ever done that..EVER...this was huge...This one little step reaffirmed my faith in myself and in my body. God is so awesome!
Part of my lifestyle change is embracing exercise and exercising consistently. I have exercised sproadically for a long time but usually gave up after a couple of weeks. I am not going to let that happen this time...That being said, I was not going to exercise tonight. I was going to be fine with my decision not to exercise tonight because we are going swimming tomorrow...but guess what I did? Not only did I go ahead and walk...I RAN HALF A MILE. That's further than the other two nights. I was sweating buckets, BUT DARN IT I WAS RUNNING. I noticed that when I thought about other things, running did not hurt quite as much. AMAZING. My chubby self RUNNING half a mile. I did not even care about the cars that slowed down to stare before speeding up again. I told myself that they were staring because they were happy that I was doing something about my weight...(in reality, they may have been looking for craters in the sidewalk where I ran, but let's just go with my imagination right now)
Terrance always tells me that I will soon discover that running is not all it's cracked up to be. He may be right. I have a feeling that he feels the way he does because the Army bullies him into running 2 miles against his will... but I have always wanted to be a runner. Don't really know why, but I have. I set a goal to run a mile. I don't think I will stop at a mile, but realistically, right now I weigh 262 lbs and running a mile is a lofty goal. Albeit, a goal I can attain...but still.
As I was driving today, I started thinking about my running aspirations and began to mentally list the reasons I wanted to run...One of the things I came up with was that if someone was chasing me, trying to hurt me, I want to at least make it a LITTLE more difficult to catch me. At my present weight, I couldn't outrun a turtle, much less a terrorist. (Maybe it's that I am a military wife that makes me automatically think of terrorists catching me before kidnappers or murders..strange, I know) . I am not running for speed, I am running just so I know that I CAN run. I am running so I can say that I am a runner. I am running so that my body will know that the fat is getting evicted FOR GOOD. I am running for all those people who wish they could. I am running for ME.
I am really proud of myself today. I faced several challenges and I overcame those obstacles. This time I know..I mean I really KNOW that NOW is my time. I WILL succeed. I WILL accomplish changing my life and making it what I WANT it to be.
This journey is only three days in the making, but I already feel as if it's been a lifetime in coming. Tonight I will go to bed knowing that for the first time in my life, I am really loving myself...and that, my friends, is AMAZING...
Until tomorrow....
Over the last three days I have really been listening to my body. I noticed that when I eat breakfast within a reasonable time from getting out of bed, I have no problem making it until lunch before eating again.
Lunch until dinner is a different story. I need a snack at 3. Today, we were at counseling when 3 rolled around, so I didn't get my snack. When we left the office we had to make a trip to Wal-Mart. Shopping while starving is a dangerous thing for me. I managed to choose a healthy snack and felt a whole lot better after eating it on the way home.
Dinner was especially wonderful..not because of the taste of the food but because I stopped eating when I was full.....For me, that is a major victory. I did not finish my dinner because that internal mechanism that God gave me signaled that I had enough..so I put the rest of my dinner in the micorwave in case I got hungry after my walk. Y'all..never have I ever done that..EVER...this was huge...This one little step reaffirmed my faith in myself and in my body. God is so awesome!
Part of my lifestyle change is embracing exercise and exercising consistently. I have exercised sproadically for a long time but usually gave up after a couple of weeks. I am not going to let that happen this time...That being said, I was not going to exercise tonight. I was going to be fine with my decision not to exercise tonight because we are going swimming tomorrow...but guess what I did? Not only did I go ahead and walk...I RAN HALF A MILE. That's further than the other two nights. I was sweating buckets, BUT DARN IT I WAS RUNNING. I noticed that when I thought about other things, running did not hurt quite as much. AMAZING. My chubby self RUNNING half a mile. I did not even care about the cars that slowed down to stare before speeding up again. I told myself that they were staring because they were happy that I was doing something about my weight...(in reality, they may have been looking for craters in the sidewalk where I ran, but let's just go with my imagination right now)
Terrance always tells me that I will soon discover that running is not all it's cracked up to be. He may be right. I have a feeling that he feels the way he does because the Army bullies him into running 2 miles against his will... but I have always wanted to be a runner. Don't really know why, but I have. I set a goal to run a mile. I don't think I will stop at a mile, but realistically, right now I weigh 262 lbs and running a mile is a lofty goal. Albeit, a goal I can attain...but still.
As I was driving today, I started thinking about my running aspirations and began to mentally list the reasons I wanted to run...One of the things I came up with was that if someone was chasing me, trying to hurt me, I want to at least make it a LITTLE more difficult to catch me. At my present weight, I couldn't outrun a turtle, much less a terrorist. (Maybe it's that I am a military wife that makes me automatically think of terrorists catching me before kidnappers or murders..strange, I know) . I am not running for speed, I am running just so I know that I CAN run. I am running so I can say that I am a runner. I am running so that my body will know that the fat is getting evicted FOR GOOD. I am running for all those people who wish they could. I am running for ME.
I am really proud of myself today. I faced several challenges and I overcame those obstacles. This time I know..I mean I really KNOW that NOW is my time. I WILL succeed. I WILL accomplish changing my life and making it what I WANT it to be.
This journey is only three days in the making, but I already feel as if it's been a lifetime in coming. Tonight I will go to bed knowing that for the first time in my life, I am really loving myself...and that, my friends, is AMAZING...
Until tomorrow....
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Day two
This morning saw a 1.8 lb. loss. I know I should not weigh every day...and I am NOT going to start that because the scale only tells part of the story. I got up, washed my hair (something I have to do every morning) and got dressed. I had a fire inspection today so I can reopen my daycare. It went well. I had a cup of coffe with some delicious Carribean Cinnamon Vanilla Creamer..and it was divine. No this is not "lite" creamer, its the full fat real deal.
See, on my journey this time, I refuse to give up the things I love. I have to make changes to the way I eat and live, and I have a calorie budget. I can eat anything as long as I stay within my calorie budget. I know from past experience that I enjoy eating veggies and fruit. I also know that eating healthy food is much more satisfying than eating a cheeseburger and fries each day. Don't get me wrong, I will still have a cheeseburger every now and then, but not daily and probably not even weekly.
There are so many things I already look forward to. I look forward to cleaning the "gunk" out of my system. I like the way I feel when my blood is flowing freely and there isn't so much fat and ick running through my veins .
I look forward to growing stronger in exercise. I love the way sweating makes me feel. I mean sweating from physical exertion and not from the layers of fat I am carrying around.
I look forward to greater intimacy with my husband. As there is less in the way, I am sure things will be different. I will feel better. It's hard to feel attractive when your belly is a blob. It's hard to feel attractive when your back fat has more rolls than a bakery.
Today I begin the practice of leaving a few bites on my plate. I grew up with a Mom who insisted we eat all of our food on our plates. I don't want to rope my children into the same thinking. I will begin today telling them that they can eat until they are satisfied, and then they can be finished.
I managed to get in a 2 mile walk with a jog of a little over 1/4 of a mile. Yay me!! I loved how I felt AFTER it was over...I am not gonna lie, it HURT while I was doing it...but I pushed through. I really did not care that there were Soldiers on this track looking at me yelling (yes, yelling) at myself to keep going. Maybe they were thinking "way to go fat girl..at least you are doing something about it"..
My calorie intake has stayed right around 1500 calories today and I noticed that I really CAN live like this. I want this so bad now that I can just feel it.
I have been reading a blog that is really inspiring me. This blogger mentions a steel curtain of resolve. Well, I have my steel curtain. I am NOT going to make excuses anymore, I am NOT going to put off until X, Y, or Z anymore. I am just going to do it. And keep doing "it"...
I promised myself while we were in Gatlinburg that I would not have another fat summer, and I intend to keep that promise to myself. I am not in a race. I am learning that loving myself means caring for my body.
Until tomorrow...
See, on my journey this time, I refuse to give up the things I love. I have to make changes to the way I eat and live, and I have a calorie budget. I can eat anything as long as I stay within my calorie budget. I know from past experience that I enjoy eating veggies and fruit. I also know that eating healthy food is much more satisfying than eating a cheeseburger and fries each day. Don't get me wrong, I will still have a cheeseburger every now and then, but not daily and probably not even weekly.
There are so many things I already look forward to. I look forward to cleaning the "gunk" out of my system. I like the way I feel when my blood is flowing freely and there isn't so much fat and ick running through my veins .
I look forward to growing stronger in exercise. I love the way sweating makes me feel. I mean sweating from physical exertion and not from the layers of fat I am carrying around.
I look forward to greater intimacy with my husband. As there is less in the way, I am sure things will be different. I will feel better. It's hard to feel attractive when your belly is a blob. It's hard to feel attractive when your back fat has more rolls than a bakery.
Today I begin the practice of leaving a few bites on my plate. I grew up with a Mom who insisted we eat all of our food on our plates. I don't want to rope my children into the same thinking. I will begin today telling them that they can eat until they are satisfied, and then they can be finished.
I managed to get in a 2 mile walk with a jog of a little over 1/4 of a mile. Yay me!! I loved how I felt AFTER it was over...I am not gonna lie, it HURT while I was doing it...but I pushed through. I really did not care that there were Soldiers on this track looking at me yelling (yes, yelling) at myself to keep going. Maybe they were thinking "way to go fat girl..at least you are doing something about it"..
My calorie intake has stayed right around 1500 calories today and I noticed that I really CAN live like this. I want this so bad now that I can just feel it.
I have been reading a blog that is really inspiring me. This blogger mentions a steel curtain of resolve. Well, I have my steel curtain. I am NOT going to make excuses anymore, I am NOT going to put off until X, Y, or Z anymore. I am just going to do it. And keep doing "it"...
I promised myself while we were in Gatlinburg that I would not have another fat summer, and I intend to keep that promise to myself. I am not in a race. I am learning that loving myself means caring for my body.
Until tomorrow...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Day one and 100 to go
100 pounds of fat that is. Hello, my name is Tiffany and I am a food addict. I weigh 262 lbs and I am only 5 feet 3 and 1/2 inches tall. I am a Mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a grandaughter, a neice, a friend. I am fat.
Today is my very last day being as fat as I am and I am on my way to weighing less. Much less I hope. My goal is to lose 100 lbs. I don't know how long it will take, and frankly I am trying to convince my brain that it really doesn't matter how long it takes to get there. I want to blog about my weight loss so I can motivate myself and maybe someone else along the way.
Today was a great day as far as my food and water intake go. I drank my 64 oz. of water and kept my calories below 1500.
I have done this weight loss thing so many times, but before I always treated it like a diet. I have to embrace this as a lifestyle change and I am worth it. I deserve to be healthy and to feed my body good foods.
I walked for a mile and a quarter, but I also jogged a quarter mile. For a 262 lb. girl, that's awesome.
I know that this journey is just as much mental battle as a physical one. I plan to blog about the ups and the downs.
This time, failure is not an option.
Until tomorrow...
Today is my very last day being as fat as I am and I am on my way to weighing less. Much less I hope. My goal is to lose 100 lbs. I don't know how long it will take, and frankly I am trying to convince my brain that it really doesn't matter how long it takes to get there. I want to blog about my weight loss so I can motivate myself and maybe someone else along the way.
Today was a great day as far as my food and water intake go. I drank my 64 oz. of water and kept my calories below 1500.
I have done this weight loss thing so many times, but before I always treated it like a diet. I have to embrace this as a lifestyle change and I am worth it. I deserve to be healthy and to feed my body good foods.
I walked for a mile and a quarter, but I also jogged a quarter mile. For a 262 lb. girl, that's awesome.
I know that this journey is just as much mental battle as a physical one. I plan to blog about the ups and the downs.
This time, failure is not an option.
Until tomorrow...
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