I knew in my journey this time, I was going to have to learn to deal with emotions that would surface. I was trying to prepare to fight this battle...but I really did not expect it to come so soon. I knew that I would have to deal with the emotional pains that led me to weigh 262 lbs. I knew I would have to make peace with the events in my past that taught me to deal with my emotions by eating them.
This morning arrived with me in a foul mood. Really, that's nothing new because God knows when He created me, he forgot the "morning person" ingredient. Happy in the a.m. hours, I am not! However, even as the day progressed, I was still grouchy. I knew why I was grouchy...it comes down to my expectations and how I deal with and relate to other people. As long as I keep people at a distance, then they can't hurt me...but as soon as I let someone get to know me, even just a little, something happens and I find myself looking for ways to excuse myself from that relationship. Makes for a pretty lonley existance.
Anyway, those feelings usually would have me trying to find something in the kitchen to comfort me. (There is a reason some foods are called comfort foods)..However, I know I really want this time to be different. Instead of rummaging through my cabinets for something to numb me, I asked my husband if we could talk. We went outside on our swing in hotter-than-hades heat and we talked. Well, I talked and he listened.
These raw emotions surfaced in part because of a recent even with my step-father when we were home on vacation. I know that we all have pain from our past and our childhood., but for some reason I have been stuck in that pain for over 20 years. There is a little girl inside of me that needs some explanations.
I keep trying to figure out why both of my parents married someone who really didn't like me or my brothers..I keep trying to figure out what was wrong with us that even our parents didn't want to protect us from people who didn't like us..My step-parents never beat us or verbally abused us, but the hurt that remains after being rejected is sometimes still as fresh as it was 20 years ago.
I cognitively realize that my parents DID and DO love us. Logically, I can understand that their choices were more about their flaws than they were a testament to the worthiness of my brothers and me.
Because my parents are human and flawed, they didn't reassure us that they still loved us and both of my parents allowed my brothers and me to be the scapegoats when things weren't going well. According to my step-parents, my brothers and I were problem children. In a way, I guess we were. We watched my parent's marriage deteriorate and we were left hurt, confused, and sad. No one bothered to make sure WE were ok before moving on to a new life. My Dad remarried less than 6 months after my parent's divorce was final and my Mom started dating my step-dad not too long after that.
I am gonna get side tracked for a minute..but bear with me. It's really hard for me to sympathize with people who have step-children about whom they complain.
I was that step-child being complained about.
I was the step-child that got on my step -parents nerves (probably still do..at least I know for sure I get on my step-dad's nerves).
I was the step-child that "caused problems"..
I was the step-child that caught hell for everything even when my step-parent's kids did the same thing, and in some cases, worse. Don't get me wrong, I was NO angel when I was growing up...but I was trying to find my way and I was trying to find that love I was craving.
I look at it like this...long before you came into your spouse's life, those kids were there. Those children do not have to be a constant reminder of the past your spouse had with someone else. Those kids are an opportunity for you to love another part of your partner. Those kids only really want to know that their father/mother did not replace them and that they still love them so very much. Those step-kids that are getting on your nerves really just want you to accept and love them too. They are hurt and scared and they just need to know that Daddy or Mommy will love them even when Mommy and Daddy have different, new, and separate lives. Divorce is hard on children. VERY hard on the children. If you are a step-parent, please take it from a step-child...you can play a very important role in their lives..either a positive role or a negative role. You, too, are shaping these kids and their future beliefs about themselves. Embrace these kids and learn to keep your feelings in check when it comes to your spouse's ex.Allow your spouse to be alone with their kids sometimes. Remember that these children are not in competition with you. EVER!
Ok, back to the story.....Terrance and I sat on the swing and I dealt with the hurt that was surfacing. He was able to help me look at things with a new set of eyes and a different perspective. It was not easy and well...it hurt....but we got through it. I did not eat my feelings and that was a big deal.
This evening, I feel a little better. I told Terrance that during my journey, there would be many more times that things would surface and I was going to have to find new ways to deal with them. I asked him to be patient with me. He said he will...we will see...I can be quite taxing on a person's nerves. I am tired and I need some rest.
Tomorrow I go back to working on running a mile. I am just hoping that my legs won't rebel too much and I can make it as far as I plan to go. Wish me luck...
Until tomorrow..
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