5 lb gain, pictures and the funk I am in

I feel like saying a string of curse words...no, really I do.
I went home last weekend for what ended up being almost a week. We had car issues and I had to do three trips back and forth to Alabama in three days. Very exhausting.

Before my trip home to TN, I was doing so very well with my lifestyle change. When I got home..that lasted maybe a day. I stopped exercising and ate whatever I could shove in my mouth....the end result being a 5.4 lb. gain. That wouldn't be so bad except I saw some pics of myself that were taken on Thursday of this week. Now, even with my 5 lb gain, I am still down 24 lbs. You know what sucks? In those pictures, I don't look much different than I did at 262. This makes me sad and angry. I am sad because I know how hard I have worked to get the weight off and even after losing a significant amount, I am still HUGE....and angry because I was not born a thin person. There are some people who were just born thin. They have small bones and small features. They have never really had a weight problem  except for maybe 10 or 15 lbs they would like to lose. I have been a big girl ALL of my life. I was not really a fattie when I was in Elementary school, but I was thicker and bigger boned than all of the other girls. This makes me sad. I am sad because I have to work that much harder than everyone else. I have a LONG way to go with my weight and I am not sure that I am going to get there...I do know that I don't want to give up.

I have not exercised since I have been back either. I had the opportunity, but I did not go. I have a mental block going on. I have GOT to talk myself into doing again all the things I was doing before we went to TN. I don't want to gain all my weight back. I have worked too hard for the loss I have had..

I am having a hard time getting my head back in the game. Negative thoughts have invaded my mind and I feel like I am trying to wake myself from a nightmare that won't allow me to open my eyes. Today is a new day. I have not messed up anything yet as far as my eating goes...I still have time to exercise...and I pray that this is the day that it all begins again!

Almost 30

Well...almost three months into my journey and I am almost 30 lbs. down. 26.8 to be exact. I am still finding that I love to exercise and it is my path to sanity.

Finally, it all clicked. I have been able to release some hurt and anger I've held on to for years and as God took me through that process, the weight has been coming off steadily. It's funny how we carry our baggage on our bodies.

Well, I really have to go...I know, I know...I have let this blog fall by the wayside...and for that I am sorry...I will try to get back to it.

Quick update

I miss the writing process and how it helps me sort through stuff. Right now there is a lot of stuff. I need to find some time this weekend and just put it all out here. But, for now, I have to give a quick update on my weight loss progress. To date, I have lost 24.2 lbs. I am less than a pound away from 25 lbs...I have also settled on a goal weight. Once getting to the goal weight, I may change my mind and go further, but we will see. For now, my goal is 175. That is what I weighed when I graduated from high school. I was still a chubby girl...but not 262.8.

I am trying not to look at 175 as still a long way to go. I am trying to enjoy the journey each day, one step at a time.

I plan to come back this weekend and update this blog. Have a good day y'all

Where am I now?

I stopped writing a few weeks ago...I am not sure why except sometimes, I get tired of talking about me..I would rather listen to others. I remember a time when I could not talk about myself enough..and I am thankful that God changed that about me.

Anyway, I have lost 20.8 lbs so far and I still have a LONG way to go. I am going to work this program like never before. I have a goal to be down at least 20 more lbs. by the time we go home for Christmas. That gives me a little over three months. It would be great to be down about 30 lbs. BUT I would be happy with 20.

Life has changed a lot. I am working 2 jobs and I love it. I am super busy and really don't have much time to do anything else except work, take care of my family, and go to the gym. Life is great right now.

Well, speaking of the gym, I better get ready to head that way.

Stepping on some toes and a weigh-in (warning some bad language will be used)

Let me start with my weigh-in. I lost 1.8 lbs this week for a total of -16 lbs. gone. I am thankful. That puts me at 246. I haven't seen that number ina while and while it's not quite "virgin fat territory", it's getting close.
Eating has gone well, although I feel something building inside...like the need to eat something fattening...and I wonder if it's stress and disappointment. With all that is going on right now, it would make sense that my desire for fatteneing food would be tied into the situation at hand.

What is the situation about which I speak? Well, it's my brother and his wife. They have been married for 9 years. From the beginning of their marriage, my brother has treated his wife horribly. For the life of me, I cannot understand WHY she has chosen to stay with him. He calls her every name in the book (cunt, stupid bitch, gutter whore)...and tells her she cannot do anything right. If she corrects their daughter in front of him,  he tells his daughter she does not have to listen to her Mama. If she cooks for him, he criticizes  her cooking.  Yet, my SIL has stayed. She says it's because she doesn't take him seriously. She says she tunes him out and he apologizes for his blow-ups later. Ummm, I am sorry...this is my brother , but that is emotional and verbal abuse and NO ONE deserves to be demeaned like that.

I am not going to pretend that my SIL is perfect, because she isn't and there are legitimate issues within their marriage that need to be worked on. Neither my brother or SIL have EVER given priority to their marriage. Since my niece was born 10 months after they got married, their entire married life has revolved around my niece. She is 8 now and STILL SLEEPS IN THE BED WITH THEM EVERY NIGHT...well, let me correct that...she sleeps with Kelle...my brother is a truck driver and is gone most of the time. Still, co-sleeping with an 8 year old is NOT HEALTHY for anyone involved. They have always put Caitlin first and their marriage last. My SIL is a lot like my husband and communicating has always been difficult

Anyway, my brother says he has been telling Kelle that they need counseling for two years. Truthfully,  he mentioned it twice in that time period...only TWICE.... So, here is where things start to seem...well, strange.

Two months ago, my brother began talking to a girl that my step sister has been friends with for year. This girl was giving my family information about some things that were occurring with my step-sister and her husband. Well, after this information was given,  my brother continued talking to this girl on a regular basis. The calls increased. Now they are talking every single day..every single night...and he has stopped coming home when he gets in from a run. He tells his wife that he is sleeping in his truck, but personally, I think that is a bunch of bunk. Why? , Prior to two months ago,  no matter how late my brother got in from a run, even if he only had a few hours to be at home..he went home. He wanted to be with his family. Since he's started talking to this girl, it's changed. My SIL discovered he was calling this girl at 2 a.m. For every time my brother has called his family, he has called this girl three times as often. Almost every single number on thier cell phone bill for the last three months has belonged to this girl...

He tells everyone that they are just friends, but it's funny that the subject of a divorce never really came up until two months ago when this "relationship" began.

 My mother found the girl at my brother's house while my SIL was out of town. No, they weren't inside his house, but still, it didn't look right. This girl knows my SIL but any time she is around her, she will NOT speak to my SIL...it's just a little suspicious. If there really was nothing going on..why would you not speak?Why would you NOT make sure NO ONE thought anything was going on that was inappropriate? My mom has questioned my brother about this girl and he got very upset and defended this girl over my SIL ...wait..why are you defending her and not considering your wife??....it just all seems so sad.

The latest blow was when he told me that although he is still sending my SIL and niece on a trip to Disney World, he will not be going..his reasons are so that he can work He claims they need the money...but UMMMM..this is your child's FIRST time to go to Disney and you aren't going to be there? You say you need the money...ok..so cancel the trip altogether...If you don't have other motives, then either go with your family or cancel the trip totally. It doesn't sound right that you are still sending them (costing money) but YOU are not going.... I don't think that sounds right...I know, I am leaving off major details and some of this doesn't sound so bad...but , and this is where I am going to step on some toes, IF YOU ARE MARRIED AND YOU ARE HAVING ISSUES YOU HAVE NO NO NO BUSINESS TALKING TO ANOTHER WOMAN/MAN ABOUT YOUR MARITAL ISSUES UNLESS IT IS A COUNSELOR OR A FAMILY MEMBER.

IF YOU ARE TALKING TO A MARRIED PERSON HAVING MARITAL ISSUES AND YOU KNOW IT'S BEEN SUSPECTED THAT YOU MAY BE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH SAID MARRIED PERSON...IF YOU CARE ABOUT THEM AT ALL THEN LEAVE THEM ALONE UNTIL THEIR DIVORCE IS FINAL...

That is just my two cents. I believe in grace and forgiveness, but I do see how another person can be a contributing factor in a the dissolution of a marriage that COULD have been saved. When you are having marital issues, muddying the waters by talking to someone of the opposite sex that you've admitted that you were attracted to is just NOT a good idea.  Either give your marriage a fighting chance and leave the other person alone or make the decison to leave. Also, look beyond what may feel good in the moment. Especailly if there are children involved. Once you decided to split up the marriage you are damaging many lives beyond your own. Divorce sucks. It hurts...and inevitably the kids get caught in the middle.

Now, do I believe that there is forgiveness for everything? Of course I do. Do I believe in grace..of course I do. I would not be living the life Christ wants me to live if I did not....

However, when you really haven't even mentioned divorce until you begin talking to another woman, then...yeah, I have an issue with that. Especially when this girl is a friend of our step-sisters and has trashed our step-sister to death. Also, when a person does everything to drive a wedge between  you and your famliy...then yeah, I see a BIG problem.

This stresses me because it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I hate to see the potential casualties. I hate to see what this is doing to my SIL and my niece. Hearing her cry on the phone broke my heart...and watching my brother's selfishness is maddening. I am praying that God will remove the scales from my brother's eyes and will soften his heart. I am praying for a reconciliation. I am praying that because marriage is OF God, that He will save this one. God already has everything worked out. I do trust that. I just pray that my brother makes the right choices and will at least give his marriage a chance.

While I could choose to be upset with this girl, I really am not. I am upset with my  brother. This other girl is just a pawn in the game. It could be any other girl, it really would not matter. The fact is that my brother's clear thinking is being clouded by the presence of another person. He has also tuned God out completely.

This situation is just really sad to me. I will support him and I will love him. That does not mean that I will like or even approve of what he does. I am going to need God to work on my heart in this situation also....

Sigh...

Guess I should go now...

Tired

This morning I woke up in a foul mood. I am tired and my body is tired. I have been working out very, very hard and I think my body is in revolt. I peeked at the scale and I have stayed exactly the same as last week. Truthfully, I am happy with that.  I have been hitting the weights really hard lately and I know my body is adjusting to that. I also have been having a problem with sweets again. I have been staying within my points, but those sugar cravings are getting to me and I think they were prompted by the cheesecake. Oh well.

Tomorrow is my "official" weigh in day and I will post official results then. For now, I am going to go take a two mile walk..I am not climbing hills, I am just going to walk the two mile track and call it enough for today. My body needs rest.

I am battling those impatient feelings again. I want to be so much further along in this journey that what I am. I know I have many lessons to learn along the way..but for some reason I want to rush them.

I've got some praying to do today...a lot of praying because I feel a heaviness in my spirit. I need to just be alone with God. I need to pour my heart out to Him. I need to feel His reassurance that everything is going to work out the way He intends it to work out. I already know this is true, but I guess I need my soul to "hear" it.

I need direction in my life and right now I feel like I am staring into an abyss. Which direction do I turn? What do I do now that my kids are all in school? I know we need some income in this house. My husband has been supporting us for all these years, and even though he makes more money now than he did, the economy is worse. I cannot get out of Walmart without spending at least $50 bucks. When you are supporting 5 people on a soldier's salary...that's hard.

Let me not even get into the whole teenager thing. She is so expensive and I feel like I cannot keep up...ugh..here comes that heaviness in my soul again.

Going to go pray now...

Changes...

I've had a hard time making myself write on this blog lately. I am not sure why other than I can be a pretty boring person and I really did not have much to say. My eating has gone very well and so has exercise. In fact, I find that I may need to bump up the exercise to an hour and a half each day. My body loves to sweat and I love how I feel when I am working out.

This weekend was Terrance's birthday. He chose to go to Olive Garden and I had the Venetian Apricot Chicken which was only 7 points...word to the wise, it was not very good...at all...but anyway, I stayed on track. Yesterday (his actual b'day) I ate cheesecake. It was great. I counted my points and moved on. I have had a lot of sodium laden foods in the last few days so I have to double my water intake so I can wash some of this sodium out before Wednesday. This weekend I have struggled to get in 64 oz, much less anything more than that.

I am at a strange place in my life. My youngest started Pre-K this year. He is only going to be gone for two and a half hours a day....but when he got on the bus this morning..all brave and happy...my heart broke. I know it sounds strange because I have been begging for some alone time...but I am having a harder time with letting the last of my babies go....He is so little that when he sat down on the bus seat, I couldn't see his head. Just typing this makes me cry.

Isaiah going into Pre-K coupled with Jazmyne being a sophomore in high school just has me feeling nostalgic and sentimental. What am I going to do when she graduates. I may need a sedative. I can see how people get that empty nest syndrome. I mean you devote your lives to raising them and one day, you have to let them go. It's scary. I wonder if we've prepared them enough? I wonder if we've taught them about God enough so that He is the one on whom they lean?  We have them at home for only a short while. I have to ask God to forgive me now for complaining about my kids when they've driven me nuts. I am very thankful for these kids. They have made my life interesting and wonderful over the last 15 years.

Well, I now have time to work out in the morning, so I am heading to the gym....after I finish my coffee. I hope everyone has a great day...

Until tomorrow....

15 lbs. and a horrible mood

Yesterday was weigh-in day and if you are my friend on FB, I shouted it all over that. I could not bring myself to write about it here on my blog. I am not sure why other than I have just been in a very ill mood lately.  So, anyway, I lost another 2.8 lbs bringing my total to 15 lbs. lost.

That's great. I am starting to see a slightly smaller me and I am definately noticing my cardio improving as well as my overall strength. I know I am making progress toward my goal and I am going to keep going

I am feeling really moody lately. I don't know why. It's possible that I am just hormonal, but I don't like where this funk is taking me. When I get like this, I don't like anyone...I don't have much tolerance for people's crap, and this attitude is purely selfish. It's not the attitude of Christ. I am ashamed of my thoughts on days like this. I wish I could control them. I need to practice bringing every thought into the captivity of Christ. I need to get my act together.

I think I ruined my MP3 player. I love this thing. I take it to the gym or on any of my workouts and I listen while I work. Well, I was really wet with sweat a few days ago, and I had my MP3 player against my skin. Well, I think I ruined it by getting it wet. It still plays but only for a while. I guess I need to get another form of entertainment or my workouts will be pretty boring. I need  want my music.

Well, today is the last day I will have the baby. I am moving to another position within the FCC staff and I will no longer have kids in my home...PRAISE GOD!!!!!
There is just something about being stuck at home with a house full of other people's children that sends me off the deep end. Maybe it's not the kids, but it IS being stuck in the house all the time that makes me crazy, or should I say crazier! I am truly thankful that I will not be taking care of babies any more. I admire people who absolutely love that...but...after a year of doing it...I know it's not for me. I thank God I was able to have that source of income while still being at home with my children. It's just time to move on.

Well, I guess I should get this day started...I am looking forward to a great breakfast and I am already counting the minutes until I can deal with my negative emotions in the gym.

Until tomorrow.

"I’m convinced making that one switch in my brain changed everything for me."..this was a line from the blogpost I read from Lysa TerKeurst today. She is a Christian writer and I love reading her blog and plan to read many of her books. Today's topic was about the peace of weight loss she has experienced. She gave up sugar and lost weight as well as found peace. Not without the help of God, of course.

When I ran across the line I quoted above, I said AMEN in my head and realized that this weight loss thing really IS about changing my mind. By deciding for myself that I am not going to be a slave to my weight or to my selfish-self-destructive ways any more, I changed my mind. This mind changing is a daily process for me, but still...I get what she was saying.

I have been living my new lifestyle for one month and three days now. I have to say that I do get excited when I realize there are new ways to challenge myself every day. When I look at this weight loss process as an adventure in getting to know myself and seeing what I can do (with the help of the Holy Spirit), I cannot help but get excited. To think I was living such an angry and bored life before...all I had to do was yeild to the prompting of God, ask for His help, make a plan and follow it..and my life would be changed. I can say that since I began this journey a month ago, I have made some "mind" progress. The physical stuff truly is secondary.

I am learning there is more to life than getting what I want "right now". That is a hard lesson for me because I have ALWAYS been an impulsive person. My "right-now" mindset has led me astray on many occasions and truly, I am glad to have God on my side while trying to slay this demon. It's a big one. That is not to say that I don't get impatient any more, because I really do...too often still...but it is changing...ever so slightly..but change in a positive direction for sure.

Today will have many challenges for me.  I have an 8 week old over here today and he has already decided that he is not going to want his little hiney to touch a solid surface. He is insisting that he be held if his eyes are open. Jazmyne is holding him now so I can write this. So, anyway, I must trudge ahead through this day...I really need to get started on my water consumption. I am sure my friend Amber already has a few glasses kicked back...she is usually on it!

Well, have a good day yall...tomorrow is my weigh-in day and I am excited to see what happened this week. Mother nature decided to arrive last night...so this should be interesting..

Until tomorrow...

releasing stored emotions

I've noticed a phenomenon over the last couple of days. Whenever I get finished working out, I need to cry. I am not crying because of physical pain or discomfort. I am not hurting or anything like that. I really didn't pay attention until last night when it happened twice...once after my workout and once after something else...

It was after the second time last night that I began to wonder. I have always heard that we store our emotions in our muscles and tissue and things like a massage or exercise "frees" those emotions. I guess that is what I am experiencing.

I never realized I was stuffing so much until recently. I mean, I am always expressing how I feel, or at least I think I am .....

I have been away from my blog for a few days by choice. I decided I was going to be on the computer a little less and present with my family a little more. We had a great weekend and I think we grew closer because of that small decision to "be where my feet are".

My eating has been really good over the last few days. Saturday night I went to an early dinner with a friend and had an authentic greek gyro...OH MY GOSH...it was simply divine. The meat was like none I have ever tasted. Who knew lamb was so delicious. I tracked my points for the gyro and tzatzki sauce and still had a couple of points left over for some fruit before bed. I do still struggle a bit with those stupid chex mix bars. They are like crack for me. I told myself that I would not buy them anymore, but I lost that battle when I went to the grocery store while I was hungry. I found that I waste way too many points on those stupid little things and I will habitually eat them even when I am not hungry. That was the main thing I was trying to stop doing during this journey. Not eat when I am not hungry. I know I am making progress,but at times, I get a little impatient with myself. I have got to work on being more patient with my mistakes...this is a lifestyle change...it's not soemthing that requires perfection every single day.

Let me see...I need to pat myself on the back for a minute. While we were out running errands today, we stopped at McDonalds. I ordered a regular hamburger add lettuce and tomato, and a side salad with ranch dressing. I ate the salad and burger but only used half of the dressing. I consumed 8 points at lunch and I was satisfied. I can really tell when I have had enough to eat now...I am becoming familiar with that "stopping point" God gave me.

When I pay attention to my body, amazing things happen.

I know I have been saying all along that after a month of weekly weigh-ins, I was only going to weigh once a month. Well, I have reconsidered. I think I will weigh-in weekly until I feel other wise. Since I do Weight Watchers online, I kinda need those weekly numbers. Plus they can be a huge motivating factor too keep going. Even when the scale goes up, if I have had a "clean" week, I will do my best to shake it off and keep going. If I have had a week that I've eaten more than I needed to, then I have nothing to complain about.

Well, I am going to try and do better about keeping my blog updated. Sometimes I think we DO have to just stop some of our madness and spend time doing the things that REALLY matter. Spending time with family, in prayer, at church, helping others....the list can be long on what REALLY matters.  I guess it is also a personal choice as well.

I hope you all have a great night, and thanks for reading..

Until tomorrow!!!!

Family...

Right now, I am so very thankful for my husband and children. Sometimes I feel that they are the only "family" I have. Well, I don't  REALLY think that, but I wish things were different. Things with my brothers are strained. We really don't have much of a realtionship per se. I haven't talked to my middle brother Jeremy in a couple of months. Probably since June. He doesn't call me and I don't call him. Maybe I should be the one to reach out.
It's not that we had a falling out, we didn't. I don't know...it's just weird. Sometimes my heart hurts because there seems to be alot of jealousy and competition going on in the family and NO communication. I hate this.

I don't know what to do about it other than pray and I will start doing that. I hate to see the rift grow wider and wider. It sure is going to make going to my mother's house very difficult. Going to her house is difficult anyway. I wish family weren't so complicated.

Anyway, the last couple of days have been good as far as eating and exercise goes. I think I am really liking my new "two a day" approach. I break my workouts up into two seperate sessions. I like sweating in the morning and at night. It sure does help me sleep better. The stress relief I get from exercision alone is worth all the effort. I am going to keep on keeping on.

Sorry for the short post. I am going to shower and go to bed.

Wednesday Weigh-In

So I skipped posting my blog yesterday because it was a busy day. I had a baby over here all day and really did not want to be away from him for too long. Yesterday was a good day. I did some Yoga in the morning and worked out on the elliptical for 38 minutes at night. I was so tired and so hot when I got done..I felt like vomiting.

Today (Wednesday) has started in an amazing way. Today is weigh in day. I was nervous to get on the scale so I procrastinated for a while. Finally I got on the scale and it read 250.2 WHOOO HOOO...that is 4.2lbs down from last week and a total of a little over 12 lbs for the month. I am praising GOD...I CAN do ALL things through Christ Who strengthens me. I am so excited. I know that not every month will be like this, but it sure is a good start and motivation to keep going. I have a LONG way to go...but I know the secret formula just eat less and move more...it's ALL about calories in vs. calories out. Well, let me correct that...there is another necessary ingredient in this weight loss journey...the mind and spiritual work.

Jazmyne is having her wisdom teeth cut out today. I am nervous for her, but read Psalm 91 last night and I am asking God to send Jazmyne's angels to watch over her. I thank God that she will come through this surgery just fine. I sure do love my kids. I know I complain about them...but I would die for those babies.

I hate to cut this short, but I have to get ready to go. I need to track my breakfast before we leave.

Have a good day!

Monday Musings..

After a weekend of wanting to eat everything that was not nailed down, Monday finds a very different me. I am content today. I had a modest breakfast of a bagel thin with some reduced fat cream cheese, a banana, and coffee.
Lunch was simple. Roast beef on an Arnold's Whole Grain Sandwich Thin with reduced fat cheese and light mayo (Hellman's light mayo is awesome) with some green beans.

It is now 4:45 p.m and I've already guzzled 64 oz of water and I still have my workout to do.

I feel good today. I feel content with my food choices but I still need some more vegetables to reach my minimum of 5 servings per day. Tonight for dinner we are having turkey tacos, fat free refried beans, corn and probably cauliflower. I need something else that's green but the grocery budget is non existent until I get paid for childcare this week.

I peeked at the scale this morning and I am excited. My gain from last week seems to be a thing of the past. I don't want to jinx anything by publishing the number until I verify it on Wednesday morning, but if it holds true, I am one happy girl. Days like these make me believe I CAN and WILL accomplish my goals. I cannot do it alone. I need God's help. My husband and some friends have been praying for me. I can really tell that those prayers are helping. I also keep repeating to myself that "I can do all things thorough Christ who strengthens me". (phil 4:13) There is something amazing about speaking God's word over our lives. It releases His power to work for us.

This weekend when I was having a moment of weakness, the Holy Spirit brought to my remembrance the scripture that says that God's strength is perfect in my weakness. When I am weak, I don't have to depend on my strength, I can ask God to be my strength. To realize this was amazing.

Anyway, I am having some really severe back pain. I am not sure if it's a disc, or if my fibroids are pushing on a nerve, but it HURTS...my workout tonight will be interesting. I just hope I can manage a decent workout without causing myself too much pain. It may be a ride on the recumbant bike for me tonight...OH..speaking of working out. I scaled my workouts back twice this week. I had been putting in an hour or longer 5 days a week...well this week I had two workouts where I did not exceed 45 minutes. I wonder if that contributed to the lower number I saw on the scale. I know my body sure did thank me for it. I will try it again this coming week to see if it makes a difference for real.

Well, I am going to go cook dinner. Just wanted to update my blog.

Have a good day y'all!

Until tomorrow

Binges all in the name of Weekly Points Allowance

I don't know what  my problem is lately! Well, it could be that I have not done much of the "mind" work that is required on this journey yet. The mind work is crucial. It's apparent that I have't done that work  because last night, I had a mini binge.

With Weight Watchers we have our daily points to use and we also have a Weekly Points Allowance. A WPA is 35 additional points we can use however we choose. We can use a few at a time or all 35 at once. We also can choose not to use any at all.  I think these additional points  kind of mess with my mind a bit.
In the past, I was able to use my WPA and lose weight very well. I am not so sure this time. Last week I had the small gain and if I keep eating like I did last night, I will have one this week too.

Yesterday was an extremely hungry day for me. I did my work out in the morning instead of at night.... I wonder if that had anything to do with my hunger level?  Yesterday, I would eat a healthy meal but not 30 minutes later my stomach would be growling again. It was that way ALL DAY LONG.
Anyway, I made it successfully to dinner well within my points and had a great day up till then. It was after dinner that I had an issue. I wasn't hungry anymore, but I WANTED something...this is what gets me in trouble...I WANT something so I go get it. I have not masted telling myself no and that I am not hungry. Anyway, I ate 5 chex mix bars, YES 5...not all at one sitting but 5 over a period of 5 or 6 hours.

I like the way they tasted. I also had fat free popcorn, and 10 cheezeits as well as 2 cups of milk. My binge cost me 18 of those 35 points. My failure comes not because I used 18 of those points, but because I ate when I wasn't hungry anymore and I was eating to relieve stress and disappointment.

This has been a stressful week at the Smith house. Not because of my family,  but because of this stupid daycare I have. Sometimes the parents push me over the edge. Sadly people, especially some of the Officer's wives I have encountered, don't really want to pay to have their children in child care.

This Tuesday, I had to tell educate an officer's wife  by letting her know that watching her children was how I get paid. I let her know that while I agreed to take some of her "deployed spouses benefits" I was not aware that she was using more hours for both of her children. I let her know that if she would have been up front with me,my policy would have changed in regards to how many hours she could use. I still needed to get paid.
She said she was going to find someone else and I told her I thought that was best. Well, she calls me yesterday wanting to bring her kid back to me. I politely told her no. She was upset, but I have finally learned that it is ok for me to have boundaries. It is not my responsibility to cater to the demands of people when it comes to their children. I am running a business. Just because it is in my house does not make it any less of a business than any other daycare.

I don't mean to stereotype,but I have the most trouble from the wives of Military Officers. Within in the military, officers are treated as if they were gods. Everyone caters to what an officer wants. SOME (not all)  of the wives of these officers feel as if they are wearing thier husband's rank. Truthfully, I don't give a rats behind what rank your husband carries. When you step foot in my door, you are just like the enlisted families I deal with. I am not showing favor to your child because you are married to CW3 Whats-his-name or Major Bigshot.

SIGH...anyway...so yesterday's eating was not fabulous. Today is a new day. I've tracked my calories for yesterday and I am moving on. I already dread the weigh-in this week. I know that if I don't see a loss, then I am going to be upset AGAIN.

If I don't see a loss, then I will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I cannot, under any circumstances, consume more than 1500 calories a day in order to lose weight. Yes, I may have been able to consume more when I was younger, but as I am getting older, my metabolism is slowing down. For some reason, this depressed me. But it is what it is and I have to move on.

I seem to be growing impatient with my stomach. I have gained 75% of my weight in my stomach area and I HATE IT...I am so ready for my tummy to shrink. I know I am only 4 weeks into this thing, and it is going to take a considerable amount of time before any improvement is really noticeable, but I want to see a difference NOWNOWNOW...

I am going to spend some time in prayer today over this whole thing. I really need God to help me refocus and get my head back in the game. I also know that buying Chex Mix bars is dangerous and I will not be bringing them in to my home for quite a while.  I also need to find another way to get my stress out of my body. Working out helps..but sometimes it's not enough.

Well, my dear husband went on his 26 mile bike ride today, so I have to wait until he comes back before I can go to the gym. In the meantime, I am going to make some coffee and have a wonderful breakfast.

Have a good day y'all

Until tomorrow.

Rollercoaster emotions and my weight

Well, I think the honeymoon phase is over. Maybe not completely, but I am not as enthusiastic as I was in the beginning about my new lifestyle. That is not to say that I have any intention of abandoning my new way of life, but I just feel like now is when the real commitment comes in.

Wednesday's weigh in messed with my head and it messed with my mood a bit. I have not deviated from my calorie goals since Wednesday, but it I am feeling kinda blah. If I am honest, I think it's my hormones that have me feeling so....irritated.

Each month for a couple of weeks I fall into a deep pit. When I wake up in the morning, I am mad at the world before I even set foot outside my bed. I begin a little pity party that lasts all day or even for several days. I get mad at Terrance, the kids, my neighbors, my friends, my family...a passing stranger...seems like everyone is on my "hit list".

The reality is I am the problem. I am the one with run away emotions during the time of the month when my hormones are doing a number on my psyche. I am praying for help this month.

Last night during counseling, my therapist told me of a vitamin pack being sold at GNC that helps women deal with PMS. He said he had a client who was homicidal/suicidal every month for one week. She began taking this regimen of  vitamins and after two months, she noticed a difference. I think I am going to have to try this myself.

My body is tired also. It's been a long two weeks since my daycare has been open again and I am quickly remembering how horrible it really is. It's not the kids per se...it's always the drama with parents. I am ending this part of my life again in September. I have been offered two jobs one in the morning and one in the evening. Each part time, but each very flexible and do-able for my life. I think these offers are blessings straight from God.

Yesterday's eating was great. Exercise was non-existant because of the kid's open house and counseling at the end of the day. This morning, one of my three started school. The other two go on the 23rd.

I took advantage of the oldest being home and headed to the gym this morning. Felt good to sweat, but I find that unless it is a Saturday morning, I am much more comfortable going to the gym in the evening. Don't know why that is...but I am.

Well, I guess I should get off here and do something.

Until tomorrow....

Weigh-in day and focus on a different direction...

So, yesterday was weigh-in day and I gained .02 (two-tenths of a pound). At first, I was upset and ready to cry, then I got real with myself....this is not a race....although sometimes I want it to be. Sometimes I want to be done already. I want to have all my weight off NOW...but that's not the way the body works. Also, I guess if I was losing really quicky, the weight would not stay off NOR would I learn the lessons I need to learn while on this journey to change my life.

This morning I did a STUPID thing...I weighed myself again...good gravy, I was up a whole pound. UUUGGGHHH...and for 5 minutes I ranted and raved to my husband...then I went and said a prayer. God really did give me peace. I also thought about this: my body is used to this..I will do something for a couple of week and then stop. My body is probably confused and holding on to everything until it realizes that this time I am serious!

I have also been exercising THEN eating my dinner because I listened to the advice of someone else. Well, with my schedule I usually exercise until about 8 at night and then eat dinner....I go to bed around 9, so my food is just sitting on my stomach all night...NOT GOOD.

Another possibility for my weight gain is that I have switched up my workout a little and I think I have been building my leg/butt muscles. I know that sometimes working your muscles will cause fluid retention because they are rebuilding.

In other words, there are several reason I could be seeing a bit of a gain. I know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and eventually, I will see my weight come off. I am losing inches and even though the scale said my weight was up a pound this morning, my shorts were a whole lot easier to zip. I have to keep reminding myself that this is forever. If I am really going to embrace that mindset, then I will get to my goal. I think I am carrying around stress trying to make something happen and I have yet to embrace this truly as a lifestyle change. I guess my head needs some more work and my soul needs more prayer.

There are a couple of things I am going to change this week. I am going to eat dinner before going to the gym...it was working before...

I am going to cut back my cardio slightly...well...maybe not...ha ha..I am just going to see how I feel.
I am going to weigh-in next Wednesday and then not again until the 15th of September. After next Wednesday, I am cutting my cardio back to 35 minutes and adding weight training.

As far as food, I am going to stay within my points and if I need to dip into my Weekly Allowance Points or Activity Points..then I will...just not to the degree I did last week. I am getting older and my metabolism is not the same as it used to be.

Well, I better get started on my day...thanks for listening to me ramble.

Until tomorrow....

Tuesday...what a great day

This morning rolled around way too soon and my buns were sore. I was trying to guess what I did at the gym to make them so sore. I finally figured it was because I increased the grade of incline I was using on the treadmill. Well, at least I know that walking up hills is good for your butt.

Today's eating went well, in fact, I haven't had dinner yet and I better hurry because I don't want food sitting on my stomach when I go to bed. Tomorrow is weigh-in day and I am interested to see what the scale says. Only one more weekly weigh-in after this one before I go to monthly. I know that setting timed goals for myself is not good because if I don't lose x number of pounds by y date then I get frustrated...BUT if I were setting goals, I would love to lose about 50 lbs. by Christmas....ha ha..don't know if that will happen, but I sure am gonna keep going no matter what.

On a side note, I am really thankful for reconciliation. Latresa, I am really glad we worked things out. I know that God has a purpose for everything and maybe whatever God has in store for us, Satan was just trying to keep from happening.

If anyone would like to read good poetry, click on Latresa's name above and you will be directed to her blog. Good stuff.

This post is going to end here because I need to make dinner. Wish me luck on my weigh-in tomorrow!

Until tomorrow...

A thankful Monday

Today has been an amazing day. I am truly thankful for my friend Amber, you can find her blog here.
She is truly my "soul sister". God led us to each other through a mutual friend and since we first stared talking on e-mail she has blessed my life in so many ways. She is a wonderful friend, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and wife. I am so thankful for how our friendship grows. She is one person with whom I can be completely honest and I KNOW I am not being judged. She understands my quirks and accepts me flaws and all.

My eating has been great today and as soon as I get finished with this blog post, I will be heading to the gym. I always dread going, but when I get there, the energy changes and I become sucked in to the rhythm of the other people working toward better fitness. Doesn't hurt that there is often some eye candy to keep me occupied as I burn some calories.

God has been dealing with me in a such an amazing way lately. When he began showing me some stuff about myself, I allowed Satan to have a portal into my mind and He took what God was telling me and twisted it into something that had me questioning my salvation. It was a rough week, but I praise God that His love is unfailing and He is walking me through this. I am learning to rest in God's love and because He loves me, He won't leave me in a place of complacency. He wants me to grow and when I am ready, He moves me from glory to glory. God is so amazing. I am so thankful for Jesus and His willingness to die for me. I am thankful that even my most horrible self is still loved by Him.

Weigh in day is in two days. I have to admit I am not sure if I will see a loss this week. I really over did it Saturday. If I don't lose,then it really is ok. I know why and I know what I have to do the next week. I only have two more weekly weigh-ins before I go to my once a month weigh-ins. I am both nervous and excited about the weekly weigh-ins. I think it will make me push myself harder throughout the month because I want to see a good loss on the scale when I do step on it.

I am really liking the routine I am in right now. However, I do think I have better workouts in the morning. Things may change beginning Sept. 1st and morning workouts very well may be possible. In a way, I hope things do change and I can get my workout done when Isaiah is at school. Sometimes working out in the afternoon makes me feel like I am missing time with my hubby and kids. Oh well, I guess right now I am sacrificing for the greater good.

Well, I better get changed. I hear an elliptical calling my name.

Until tomorrow...

Sunday and a fresh start.

Ok, yesterday was a colossal disaster where my eating was concerned...well, that not entirely true. It was fantastic until after dinner. I had 6.5 points left for the day nad planned on having a little treat later that evening. I had to go get Jazmyne from a friends house and that is when the madness began. While I was chatting with Jazmyne's friend's Mom, she offered me a beer...and I accepted it and drank all of it. No biggie, it was only 3 points and I still have 3.5 left....still room for a small treat, right?

We left Alex's house two hours after I got there and I was starving. Not just a little hungry, but starving. So what did I do? I stopped at Sonic and got mozzarella sticks...and ate 4 of them. Ok, well that would have been alright except when I got home I continued eating. I ate a pepperoni and cheese sandwich AND a Hershey's bar. After pigfest 2010, I wasn't hungry any more, but I knew I had slipped momentarily back into my old ways.

I said a prayer before going to sleep and woke up this morning with fresh determination. I was able to keep my eating today within in my points and I am successfully moving on from my Saturday night fiasco. Progress is what I am calling this. Any other time I would have let that slip become a slide into a plate of cheese fries or chocolate or something. I didn't, so that is a great thing.

This weekend also saw some drama from an old acquaintance from high school. It really was stupid and in my opinion, she took things too far. I took something she said on a blog of hers out of context and when she explained that it wasn't what I thought it was, I apologized for my misinterpretation of her words.

I thought she and I were both above letting this silly little misunderstanding cause childish bitterness...but sadly, I was wrong. I find out through her post on Facebook that she went and wrote a nasty little poem on her blog about the whole stupid little incident. So, not wanting to allow myself to be pulled into petty and childish stuff, I deleted her from my FB and cut ties with her in the blogging community.

Life is hard enough and while we are to love one another with the love of God, sometimes we have to love people from a distance...and stay FAR FAR away.

I know in my heart that I apologized for mistaking her words to mean something they didn't..but unfortunately grace and forgiveness was not something she was willing to extend. I just hope that I can walk in both forgiveness and grace toward her. I wish her well and I hope that she finds whatever fulfillment in her life that she is looking for. If  writing a humiliating poem makes her feel powerful, then more power to her. With this being said, I pray that I will cause no further upset to her or to anyone else. I really did not try and offend anyone and while I should have gone to her privately instead of posting a comment on her blog, I really did not think that something so minor would cause such internal turmoil for this person. For that, I am truly sorry.

 I am a flawed person. I am blessed beyond what I deserve, but I am truly flawed. I make mistakes and sometimes I unintentionally hurt people. I also get hurt.

My life is amazing, but I am not going to wear a mask that tells the world that everything is better than it really is.  I am real. I deal with real emotions and I don't pretend  to be something other than what I am. I try to be authentic in all that I do. Even with trying to live authentically, sometimess I fail.

 I also appreciate real people. I am thankful for  people who are not afraid to be vulnerable enough to accept an apology or to offer one. I am thankful for true friendships and even those acquaintainces that I never really get to know. I pray that this weekend's lessons will be learned and somehow, I will be a better person for all of it.

Until tomorrow...

Well...

I haven't posted in two days because I have been busy with life. Truthfully, I've just been really tired. I also feel guilty when my husband and I have been apart all day, then when he gets home, I go to the gym for  a long time. When I get home, I usually shower and try to spend a few minutes with him until my eyes cannot take it anymore and I have to go to sleep.

The days have gone well. I've had victory in my eating habits in so many ways and last night was a big one. We went out to eat. Santa Fe Cattle Company. It was great...we ordered loaded Nachos and I ate a small plate full. I also ordered a Philly Cheese steak sandwich and fried potatoes...I ate maybe 5 of the potatoes and only half of the sandwich....Usually I would have crammed it all in, you know, not wanting to waste food...but not last night. I ate until I was full and then left the rest alone. I even had a small blizzard. I used all of my weekly allowance points and 3 activity points, but you know what....I needed the mental break and this morning, I am right back on it.


*This post has been edited to avoid needless drama!*

My plan was to work out Monday- Friday this week, but I took off last night (Friday) . As soon as Terrance gets back in from his bike ride, I am going to the gym to get that 5th workout over with. I am sticking to my commitment to myself. No one can do this for me. I am responsible for my body and my fitness. I keep praying and asking for God to help me stick to it. I really do want this.

Thursday night, after I got in from the gym, I broke down in tears. I told Terrance how badly I wanted to lose weight and the fear that I will go back to my old ways becomes overwhelming sometimes. I don't want to go back at all. I want to change my life for good. Sometimes, even already, I get tired of working out. Physically and mentall tired. I just turn off my mind and go anyway. I often wonder if I am really going to stick it out. The only person that can determine my success is ME....and all I can do is take it one day at a time.

I don't plan to fail this time...I truly want to life a healthy lifestyle. I realize that I can have days where I eat a little more, but that CANNOT be a way of life. Even normal eating people indulge every once in a while. The trick is getting right back on the saddle. Even when going out to eat...I don't HAVE to eat everything. I need to listen to my body and I have been doing just that.

Tonight we are going to the drive-in movies. I am excited for the kids because they never have been . It should be fun..

Well, I guess that's all for today. For some reason my words are not flowing freely this morning.

Until tomorrow.

Weigh in day and the beginning of week 3

Today is my weigh in day. This morning I got up and prayed that I was going to see some movement in the downward direction from my scale. 1.8 lbs. I will take that. That brings my total to 8.6lbs in two weeks. I am almost at the 10 lb mark and to be honest, it's been pretty easy.

This afternoon I did a 33 minute Walk Away  The Pounds workout. I told my  husband I wish I could be content with that, but I am not. After dinner it's to the gym to get about another 40 minutes in. I am a glutton for punishment.

I am feeling pretty good today. Although some chocolate sure does sound good. After dinner I will have the points for it...but I don't know if that is how I want to end my day. I don't NEED it..I just WANT it...or I think I do...we will see how I feel after workout #2.

My daycare being back open is going ok. I have Alex, the 15 year old girl who has CP. She is such a sweetie...and tomorrow for a few hours I will have 4 other little ones. On Friday, i will have a baby for a couple of hours.

I was blessed with another employment opportunity today. So, I may be leaving the daycare business again...and I would not be at all sad. I forgot how much stress was involved in doing Family Child Care on a military base. It's not the kids, it's the FCC office that stresses me out. Inspections, paperwork, planning, and then just the general run of the mill crap. I am praying about this new opportunity and will see how everything plays out.

I am feeling the need to take a deep look at myself coming up soon....I need to figure out why I have been overeating for most of my life. What does food fulfill in me? I am hoping to find the answer to that question along this journey. I have my ideas about a few things and hopefully writing them out will bring some clairty. I sure hope so.

Well, I guess I need to watch my dinner cook before I burn it..

Until tomorrow.

Week 2 Day 7...I don't want to forget.

Last night, while showering, I began to think about my weight loss efforts in the past and my lifestyle change now. Sometimes I have thoughts that nag me. These thoughts ask "what if you can't do this?" and "what if you get off track again and this is just one more failed attempt?". When I have these thoughts, I get scared.

I get scared that I will go back to the way I've always lived my life. I am scared, if only for a  minute, that this time will be just like every other time I have tried to lose weight. When I have these thoughts, panic grips my heart and I feel powerless.

Truth is, I am powerless. I cannot change my life...I cannot change my habits. God can. He gives me that power. When Jesus died, He gave me the power to overcome my destructive and abusive ways. The enemy (satan) tries to tell me otherwise. Satan tells me I am a failure and I have always been a failure. Satan does not want to see me succeed because then God will get the glory. Satan wants to keep me defeated. BUT..God gave me a way out. Jesus.

There is a reason that the Bible tells me that " I can do all things through Christ who give me strength" (Phil 4:13). I cannot do things on my own..I am weak and powerless, but with the power of God, of the living Jesus  Christ, I CAN do ALL things.

So, how do I battle Satan and his attacks on my mind? I know I need to stay in God's word. I need to discipline myself to stay in His word just like I am disciplining my body and my mind to eat within my parameters. God gives me boundaries,not to restrict me, but to give me freedom.

Sometimes it's hard not to get defeated. I have never been a naturally postive person. In fact, I admit to being a pessimist. I don't LIKE that I have been like that...I have also been a chronic complainer. Why should God bless me anymore if all I am going to do is fuss and complain about everything. I made a decision this weekend to stop complaining. So far ,so good. I think.

This morning I ate three pancakes...and drank coffee...I had av V-8 to kickstart the vegetable intake for the day. I need more vegetables and my choices are getting kinda low. I think for lunch some squash will be sauteed. I am trying to keep my lunch pretty low in calories because I have no idea what tonight's dinner will be. This is a dangerous time for me. When I am tired all day, at the end of the day the last thing I want to do is THINK about what I am putting in my body. What I do know is that I don't want to give in to that way of thinking or NOT thinking again. I resolve to make a good choice for dinner tonight. I resolve to have some vegetables and fruit. I resolve to get my 8 glasses of water in for the day...(guess I need to get started on that one).  I resolve that even though I am tired, I will not go back to my old ways.

Change comes from the mind...or at least that is what I am discovering. One day, one choice, one meal at a time.

Well, I supposed the rest of my day awaits. Guess I should go find my water bottle and get started.

Until tomorrow.

Week 2 Day 5 and the beginning of day 6

I am still so early in my journey. I still have many things to discover and to work through. I am learning some valuable lessons, albeit lessons I didn't and don't want to accept...but I must. These are only physical lessons, but I have to pay attention and keep on keeping on. I want to learn the important emotional lessons as well.

I did not post yesterday because I was consumed by negative emotions. Emotions...feelings...they are so fickle, they change with the weather it seems and often they leave me in a heap of tears or with anger that is unhealthy...they make me insecure and sad...sometimes they take me on a rollercoaster ride and getting off is a difficult task.

I wonder if these emotions are popping up because I am not turning to food any more? I would say so...

My food choices were pretty good. We even had McDonalds. I really wanted a Angus burger combo, but I got a cheeseburger add tomato and lettuce...satisfied my craving for McDonalds and came in WAY under the calorie budget. I like that I am learning that life has more to offer than food. I like that I am learning how to not deprive myself, but to live within boundaries.

Today was busy. I reopened my daycare and had two kids. One of those children is a 15 year old girl with Cerebral Palsey. She is normally functioning except she is wheelchair bound. Sweet girl. I just know that I have very little upper body strenght...or barely enough to life a 146lb girl without straining. I need to work on my upper body strength as well as my core strength. I am afraid to lift weights just yet. I want to get some pounds off before I start strenght training. I know that may sound conuterintuitive, but I want there to be a little less fat in the way.

After work was done, I had to run to Walmart for a going away gift for one of my daycare kiddos. I have had him for a year and he has become a dear part of my life. I am going to miss him. So is Isaiah. They were the best of friends. That's one of the things that really stinks about the Army. You get attached to people and they leave..or you leave...

Anyway, when Walmart was done, I was  really tired. I still managed to make it to the gym and get in my hour of cardio. I feel better now that its over...I just know that getting out of bed tomorrow will be difficult. Getting back in the early morning routine never is easy.

Well, I better go and shower so I can go to sleep.

Until tomorrow...

Week 2 Day 4

I really cannot believe I am almost two weeks into my new lifestyle. It really is pretty easy. Exercise and eat well. That's all there is to it...I was the one holding myself back all these years. I was the one that decided I wanted to be fat instead of fit...then almost two weeks ago..I decided that being fat wasn't working for me anymore.
Terrance made the statement that I had drawn my line in the sand where my weight was concerned and just made the decision to change what was no longer working for me.

That has me thinking. There are a few other "lines in the sand" that I need to draw. One of those being making the decision to no longer be a victim. For so many years of my life, I have played the victim in whatever situation presented itself. I blamed everything on my crappy childhood. I like to think that I was the victim of parents who didn't love me enough...or step-parents who didn't like me.. I was the victim of people who lied about me, mistreated me, damaged me...and while some of that may be true, I have allowed myself to wallow in that for way too long.

Yes, my childhood was crappy...but SO WHAT..Yes, it could have been better, but really, it could have been so much worse. Truth is,  I was raised by a Mom who loved us, worked two and sometimes three jobs to provide for us, and did her best. I was not beaten or abused. I had all that I needed and some of what I wanted. Yes, my parents divorced, but so many other people's parents were divorced also. Yes, my brothers and I were emotionally damaged...but in reality who isn't. I have allowed myself to be the victim of unfortunate circumstances for far too long. I am tired of it. I told my Mom yesterday that I am tired of me.

I am a Christian. I believe that God is the ONLY God..He is all powerful, all knowing, and the creator of everything. I believe in the Trinity and the redemption of my sins paid for by Jesus Christ. I know that Jesus was sent to die for all sinners and that I am saved only by grace. I believe that God is good. I believe that He is just. I believe that His word is true. I believe that He has a good plan for my life and that my purpose is to glorify Him and to live like Jesus. I believe that we cannot possibly wrap our human brains around how much God really does love us..

If I really believe those things...if I really belive that God is good, then I have to believe that everything that has ever happened to me, around me, or because of me...God is using for my good. He is using those things meant for my harm to make me the person He created me to be.

I do not believe that it is His will for me to waste any more of the life He blessed me with being unhappy. Let me qualify that...life on Earth will not be a "happy" one because we do live in a fallen and sinful world. I will not be truly "happy" until I reach Heaven .  However, I do belive that I can have JOY that comes only from God. I know that I have to make the decision to have my mind renewed by the word of God. I have to fill my existance with the things of God. I have to find whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (Philppeans 4:8). I have to understand that there is the power of life and death in the tongue and I have to choose to speak life instead of death. I am done speaking death into my existance.

Jesus did not come into this world for me to wallow in self-pity. In God's word, Jesus told me that He came so I could have life and have an abundant life.
 I believe it grieves God when I wallow in self-pity and when I choose to remain in the muck and mire that Jesus gave His life to take away.

 It is a choice. It is my choice if I am going to let go and TRUST GOD..or if I am going to continue to live in a selfish and small world where I think only of how I didn't or don't have the lifestyle I though I should have. I believe that I sin by feeling sorry for myself when in reality, I deserve nothing good. NOTHING. I actually deserve much worse than what I ever got or ever will get...BUT, GOD LOVES ME...and because He loves me, he doesn't give me what I deserve...instead He blesses me with good things, a good life, and whispers each day that He loves me.

Quite honestly, after writing all this I feel shameful for behaving in the way I've been behaving. I have been so busy complaining about everything  instead of enjoying the blessings around me. I have been listening to the world and comparing myself to worldly standards.

I've been doing everything wrong.

I  put more empahsis on what my neighbors think about my parenting skills instead of what GOD thinks of my parenting skills. I've been too busy feeling sorry for myself because of things that happened instead of being thankful that I am alive and that God spared me from what COULD have happened.

I am a blessed person. I have a husband who loves me, three beautiful, healthy, smart children, I have parents who love me, brothers who tolerate me (but love me in their own way) I have health, peace, enough money to pay my bills and some extra for little things, I have the freedom to worship where I choose. I have a car that is in good working order.  I have a food, shelter, and clothing. I have more material things than I need. I am abundantly blessed. Blessed.

My whole attitude has been really stinky for a long time. For that I apologize to God. I am thankful that I have the rest of this day to live a thankful life. I pray that each day that God allows me to see, I will remember what I have instead of what I don't. I pray that I will glorify God with my thoughts and actions. I pray that He will continue to change me. Inside and out.

My weight is only one of the transformations I am making. I do recognize that I cannot change anything..not even my weight...on my own..it is ALL GOD...and for any good that comes from me, any weight that I lose, any change that I make..it is GOD who gets the GLORY...I pray that today is my starting point, my rebirth of personality if you will. I pray that as I make healthy food choices I will make healthy THOUGHT choices as well.

I pray that as I exercise my body, I will exercise the power of God's word in my life. I will use my mouth for good words instead of negative words. As I renew my body, I pray that God's word will renew my mind.

Today I am making that choice to change my life......all of it...

If you are someone who is reading my blog and you don't have a relationship with God through Jesus...I urge you not to wait too much longer. If you need to know how...just send me a message. He loves YOU just like He loves ME. What He did for me, He will do for you. That's guaranteed!

Until tomorrow!

Week 2 Day 3

This post is here only to say that I have a lot to say about some things, but honestly, I am tired and it will have to wait until tomorrow. I had a great day as far as eating and I did get my hour of cardio in. I am going to enjoy two days of rest and spend time with my family. I am also going to spend time with God. I've been neglecting Him and by doing so, I have been battling a case of the "poor me"...

Have a good night..

Until tomorrow!

Week 2 Day 2...Hungry..

When I woke up this morning, I was already dreading my workout. I think  know my body is tired from working out really hard for over an hour each day. However, today was not a planned rest day, so I went ahead and took myself to the gym. 70 minutes later, I was extremely tired. I am wondering if working out in the mornings will be harder for me since I tend to be very tired after....hmmm...something to experiment with...anyway, I digress..
I learned today that not everything in the gym is meant for short people. The arc trainer is one of those machines. I thougt I was going to get my warm up done on that thing...but I only lasted 5 minutes before I had to quit. It was not a comfortable experience at all. However, I did 35 minutes on the recumbant bike and 35 minutes on the elliptical with my resistance and crossramp at a higher level than I am used to.
Go ME!!

I know that with exercise, our bodies need more fuel. Today had been one heckuva hungry day! This morning before the gym I ate some yogurt and had a cup of coffee. When I returned I ate a banana, drank a v-8, and had some grits. An hour and a half later, I was starving. For lunch I ate 3 cups of sauteed zucchini and squash with some cheese and a tbs. of light blue cheese dressing...two hours later...STARVING again.

Dinner tonight is Subway and baked chips. I've also had granola bars, cantaloupe, and enough water to bring the Titanic back to the surface....I am hoping Subway will kill this hunger monster. Maybe because I have not had all that much protein today I am hungrier...who knows. I will just keep adjusting my diet and listening to my body.


This morning in the gym, I had a moment. There was this little-bitty-blonde-barbie-doll on the elliptical when I walked over. She kinda laughed and turned her head toward the guy next to her and smiled...hmmm...I know I can be a bit paranoid, but I am not so sure she wasn't laughing at me. I don't know why that killed my mood, but it did.
Why do we do that? Why do we let other people's opinions influence the way we feel about ourselves? Why should I care if she WAS laughing at me. That says more about her ignorance than it does my girth. Maybe she was laughing at something on her Ipod and I just happened to walk up and catch her eye at that precise moment.
Whatever it was...it's over and tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully I won't encounter blondie anymore while at the gym.

Until tomorrow...

Weigh-in day and one tired Mama Week 2 Day 1

So, this morning was my weigh in. I have to admit, I was nervous. I so desperatly wanted to see a loss and I knew I was rocking my new lifestyle. I stripped to my birthday suit because goodness knows silk pajamas can really be heavy on the scale (not)...and I stepped on...256...6.8 lbs down. Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!! I really thought I would be more excited than I was, but honestly, I was pretty calm about the whole thing. I think my mindset now is that weightloss is a positive byproduct of my new healthy lifestyle. I am going to live like this for the rest of my and I can expect more weight to come off. Also, I know that the scale is only one indicator of success...Don't get me wrong, I am proud of that loss...and I will guard it with my life.

The rest of the day has been pretty drama free. I've eaten within all my points and I have a few left over for a small treat and glass of milk before bed.

I am a tired Mama tonight. I barely made it through my hour of cardio. Honestly, I think I am still recovering from pushing myself yesterday. I still hung in there though. I have to admit, I enjoy the gym in part because of the eye candy. I love and adore my husband and would never, ever, ever do anything to ruin what God has blessed me with...but wow, there are some really fit people in there and it's fun watching them work out. Plus the music on my MP3 (yes, I am in the stone ages)player is really good music and makes me want to dance.

Speaking of dance, I have already decided that when I get 50 lbs gone, I am going to do Zumba and find a Belly Dancing Class. Belly Dancing is really sexy to me...and I wanna shock the socks off of Mr. Smith. I wish I could dance like Shakira...wow..she must have a ball bearing in her back...

Anyway, please forgive me for the short post, I am really going to have to go to bed early. Y'all take care

Until tomorrow...

Seven whole days and the fattest one in the gym

Well, today concludes a week. Seven whole days of my new life. Tomorrow morning I will face the scale and use that one tool as a measurement of my progress. Whatever the scales says in the morning, I will accept and move on. I already have a plan for how this will play out. I am going to weigh myself for the first four weeks on every Wednesday. After a month, I will weigh myself only once a month, on the 14th of the month.

Why am I doing this? Well, I know from past experience that the scale can really mess with my head. I am not going to let it do that this time. The scale lies sometimes and the scale can only show one picture of my weightloss success. I am not going to be a slave to the scale. I am going to respect my body no matter if the scale is moving or not . Even if it does not move, I am still doing good things for my body. I am increasing my quality of life. I am gaining endurance and stamina and energy. I am also gaining confidence.

We survived Chuck E Cheese. I ate a salad and once piece of cheese pizza. I also had a huge cookie...but I tracked it and did wonderfully. I had the points and I did not feel deprived. I rocked Chuck E Cheese, y'all.

I decided I was going to go ahead and hit the gym before Terrance got home. I gathered my gear and headed out. The gym was not full, but had more people in it than other times I've gone. My gym could be intimidating if I let it. I live on a military base and soldiers, both male and female, work out there. These people HAVE to be fit...they have no choice if they plan to stay in the Army... I was definatley the fattest one in the room. I am sure they noticed, but you know what, I rocked my work out anyway. In fact, I pushed myself harder and longer than I have in the last week. I did 80...yes EIGHTY minutes of cardio. I LOVE to sweat...LOVE IT...I love the feeling I have when I leave the gym...head held high, shoulders back, and a bounce in my step. I may be a fat girl now...but give me a year and I am gonna be one hot Mama. I know this and I look forward to it. When I find myself wanting to quit my workout early, I close my eyes and visualize what I hope I look like...(my ninth grade year for those of you who remember...curvy, thick, but cute...I am coming back like gangbusters!)

I came home and was starving. I ate a healthy dinner and was still a little hungry. Being a little hungry is ok. I am not gonna starve...and I can eat again tomorrow. I've had my calorie allowance for  today and even ate some activity points (the extra points Weight Watchers allows for exercise). 

I am so proud of myself. I love myself more today than I did seven days ago. I pray for God to help me every morning and I thank God every night for giving me strength to make it another day. I refuse to fail. This is about my life...it's about my time...and it's about being able to do "all things through Christ who gives me strength."

This afternoon I received an email from a friend from high school...her e-mail touched my heart. Since I've decided to make a new life for myself, I've received several e-mails from several  people. Each time someone cheers me on or offers advice, I take it to heart. I knew when I began my journey that getting to my goal weight was not going to be the only blessing from this experience. I knew that all along the way, there would be many blessings...in seven short days there have already been many. Each time a friend sends an encouraging e-mail, I am strengthened a little more...for me, there is no failing...and there is no better time than now...To all the people who've already reached out to offer an encouraging word, please know I am so thankful for each one of  you. I know that I am not doing this alone.


Until tomorrow!

Today is day six...

Today was a little on the strange side. When I got up I was still so much in a haze that I stumbled to the coffee pot...had to get that thing going if I was going to make any sense of the day. I came to the computer room to read blogs, catch up on facebook, and play a few games of bejeweled blitz. Before I knew it, it was 11 and I had not eaten breakfast. I was also lollygagging because, once again, I expected the Occupational Health Nurse to do my annual daycare inspection so I could reopen...( I closed my daycare for the summer so I could be with my kids). Once again, she did not show up. I knew I had better eat so I had my breakfast around 11:30.

When Terrance came home for lunch I told him that I really am not missing anything yet and I don't feel deprived. It's funny how things work when you make up your mind to do something. I like how I physically feel right now,and I know that as the pounds come off, I will feel even better.

I had a Dr. appt that took most of the afternoon so I did not eat lunch until 3:45. Dinner was at 6:45 and then I hit the gym. An hour of solid cardio will reframe your entire state of mind. I am thankful for that because I am still battling a case of the bitchy...

I don't want this blog to be where I whine about every little thing that pisses me off, but sometimes I will be talking about those things. They are a part of me...a part that I need to change, but still a part of me.


Anyway, tomorrow the kids and I are being summoned to Chuck E. Cheese for the birthday gathering of a little boy whom I used to keep. I know my youngest will have fun and I just hope they still have a salad bar.

Until tomorrow...

I knew it was coming...day 5

I knew in my journey this time, I was going to have to learn to deal with  emotions that would surface. I was trying to prepare to fight this battle...but I really did not expect it to come so soon. I knew that I would have to deal with the emotional pains that led me to weigh 262 lbs. I knew I would have to make peace with  the events in my past that taught me to deal with my emotions by eating them.

This morning arrived with me in a foul mood. Really, that's nothing new because God knows when He created me, he forgot the "morning person" ingredient. Happy in the a.m. hours, I am not! However, even as the day progressed, I was still grouchy. I knew why I was grouchy...it comes down to my expectations and how I deal with and relate to other people. As long as I keep people at a distance, then they can't hurt me...but as soon as I let someone get to know me, even just a little, something happens and I find myself looking for ways to excuse myself from that relationship. Makes for a pretty lonley existance.

Anyway, those feelings usually would have me trying to find something in the kitchen to comfort me. (There is a reason some foods are called comfort foods)..However,  I know I really want this time to be different. Instead of rummaging through my cabinets for something to numb me, I asked my husband if we could talk. We went outside on our swing in hotter-than-hades heat and we talked. Well, I talked and he listened.

 These raw emotions surfaced in part because of a recent even with my step-father when we were home on vacation.  I know that we all have pain from our past and our childhood., but for some reason I have been stuck in that pain for over 20 years. There is a little girl inside of me that needs some explanations.
I keep trying to figure out why both of my parents married someone who really didn't like me or my brothers..I keep trying to figure out what was wrong with us that even our parents didn't want to protect us from people who didn't like us..My step-parents never beat us or verbally abused us, but the hurt that remains after being rejected is sometimes still as fresh as it was 20 years ago.

I cognitively realize that my parents DID and DO love us. Logically, I can understand that their choices were more about their flaws than they were a testament to the worthiness of my brothers and me.
Because my parents are human and flawed, they didn't reassure us that they still loved us and both of my parents allowed my brothers and me to be the scapegoats when things weren't going well. According to my step-parents, my brothers and I were problem children. In a way, I guess we were. We watched my parent's marriage deteriorate and we were left hurt, confused, and sad. No one bothered to make sure WE were ok before moving on to a new life. My Dad remarried less than 6 months after my parent's divorce was final and my Mom started dating my step-dad not too long after that.


I am gonna get side tracked for a minute..but bear with me. It's really hard for me to sympathize with people who have step-children about whom they complain.
I was that step-child being complained about.
I was the step-child that got on my step -parents nerves (probably still do..at least I know for sure I get on my step-dad's nerves).
I was the step-child that "caused problems"..
I was the step-child that caught hell for everything even when my step-parent's kids did the same thing, and in some cases, worse. Don't get me wrong, I was NO angel when I was growing up...but I was trying to find my way and I was trying to find that love I was craving.

I look at it like this...long before you came into your spouse's life, those kids were there. Those children do not have to be a constant reminder of the past your spouse had with someone else. Those kids are an opportunity for you to love another part of your partner. Those kids only really want to know that their father/mother did not replace them and that they still love them so very much. Those step-kids that are getting on your nerves really just want you to accept and love them too. They are hurt and scared and they just need to know that Daddy or Mommy will love them even when Mommy and Daddy have different, new, and separate lives. Divorce is hard on children. VERY hard on the children. If you are a step-parent, please take it from a step-child...you can play a very important role in their lives..either a positive role or a negative role. You, too, are shaping these kids and their future beliefs about themselves. Embrace these kids and learn to keep your feelings in check when it comes to your spouse's ex.Allow your spouse to be alone with their kids sometimes. Remember that these children are not in competition with you. EVER!

Ok, back to the story.....Terrance and I sat on the swing and I dealt with the hurt that was surfacing. He was able to help me look at things with a new set of eyes and a different perspective. It was not easy and well...it hurt....but we got through it. I did not eat my feelings and that was a big deal.

This evening, I feel a little better. I told Terrance that during my journey, there would be many more times that things would surface and I was going to have to find new ways to deal with them. I asked him to be patient with me. He said he will...we will see...I can be quite taxing on a person's nerves. I am tired and I need some rest.

Tomorrow I go back to working on running a mile. I am just hoping that my legs won't rebel too much and I can make it as far as I plan to go. Wish me luck...

Until tomorrow..

It started in my mind. Day 4

This morning, I was in the shower praying. I have to go take a shower to pray because that is where I can be alone with God and really talk to Him. In my prayer time I discovered something. A long while ago I asked God to help me lose this weight. What He did was prepare me. He started changing my mind and my heart. He would give me gentle reminders of my goals and He would show me what my body was made for.  I believe with all my heart that it is because of His prompting, I finally made up my mind to get healthy and lose weight.

Today was a great day. I was going to rest from exercise, but did not. I could not believe the amount of energy I had when I woke up. I went to the gym for an hour. I spent 15 minutes warming up on the treadmill, 30 minutes on the elliptical, and 15 minutes cooling down. Then we went swimming. Truthfully, I did not swim long. I was tired. My kids enjoyed the pool and had fun until it began to thunder. Tomorrow (Sunday) is my rest day. I have committed to exercising 5-6 days a week NO EXCUSES..and on Sunday I will rest.

I learned something about myself today.  WhenI am tired, I am in a food danger zone. I want to eat. I was not hungry...but the tiredness made me snack a little more. I know I really have to work on that one. I managed to stay within my calorie goals, but were it not for my exercise today, I would have gone over my budget. I also had a moment this evening when I just wanted to eat something because I was upset. Again, thank goodness for exercise!

I don't consider my reaching for something out of emotional issues or tiredness a fail today...I learned something about myself. I am also trying desperately to get out of a "diet" mentality. Reality is,  I have to change  my life for the rest of my life. There is NO going back. I know I will slip..because "normal" eaters slip..but I cannot allow my slips to become a slide. I am learning to love myself more than that. I am learning to cherish my life. I am learning that although I cannot control other people or things, , I CAN and WILL control how I treat my body. The only person I have control over is myself. That is a powerful realization. I thank God that He has revealed that to me and I am glad I am at a place to receive that knowlege.

I expect throughout my journey, there will be many more opportunties to choose to look beyond the immediate feeling/situation and make the choice that will place me one step closer to my goals. Until then I will treat myself with love and respect....after all, I AM my biggest cheerleader.

Until tomorrow...

Day THREE

Amazing. That's what today was. My morning started a little rough because I *thought* I was going to have another inspection.  I also had a CPR challenge, so I did not eat breakfast until I had been awake for two hours. When I did eat, all I had was a banana and, of course, coffee. It was a hungry morning and did not go as I planned, but learning to adapt to stressful situations without ditching my goals is part of this process. I made it to lunch successfully and ate a wonderfully satisfying and healthy meal. I also aced my CPR challenge and I feel ready to save a life should the need occur.
Over the last three days I have really been listening to my body. I noticed that when I eat breakfast within a reasonable time from getting out of bed, I have no problem making it until lunch before eating again.

Lunch until dinner is a different story. I need a snack at 3.  Today, we were at counseling when 3 rolled around, so I didn't get my snack. When we left the office we had to make a trip to Wal-Mart. Shopping while starving is a dangerous thing for me.  I managed to choose a healthy snack and felt a whole lot better after eating it on the way home.
Dinner was especially wonderful..not because of the taste of the food but because I stopped eating when I was full.....For me, that is a major victory. I did not finish my dinner because that internal mechanism that God gave me signaled that I had enough..so I put the rest of my dinner in the micorwave in case I got hungry after my walk. Y'all..never have I ever done that..EVER...this was huge...This one little step reaffirmed my faith in myself and in my body. God is so awesome!
 Part of my lifestyle change is embracing exercise and exercising consistently.  I have exercised sproadically for a long time but usually gave up after a couple of weeks. I am not going to let that happen this time...That being said,  I was not going to exercise tonight.  I was going to be fine with my decision not to exercise tonight because we are going swimming tomorrow...but guess what I did? Not only did I go ahead and walk...I RAN HALF A MILE. That's further than the other two nights. I was sweating buckets, BUT DARN IT I WAS RUNNING.  I noticed that when I thought about other things, running did not hurt quite as much. AMAZING. My chubby self RUNNING half a mile. I did not even care about the cars that slowed down to stare before speeding up again. I told myself that they were staring because they were happy that I was doing something about my weight...(in reality, they may have been looking for craters in the sidewalk where I ran, but let's just go with my imagination right now)

 Terrance always tells me that I will soon discover that running is not all it's cracked up to be.  He may be right.  I have a feeling that he feels the way he does because the Army bullies him into running 2 miles against his will... but I have always wanted to be a runner. Don't really know why, but I have. I  set a goal to run a mile. I don't think I will stop at a mile, but realistically, right now I weigh 262 lbs and running a mile is a lofty goal. Albeit, a goal I can attain...but still.


As I was driving today, I started thinking about my running aspirations and began to mentally list the reasons I wanted to run...One of the things I came up with was that if someone was chasing me, trying to hurt me, I want to at least make it a LITTLE more difficult to catch me. At my present weight, I couldn't outrun a turtle, much less a terrorist. (Maybe it's that I am a military wife that makes me automatically think of terrorists  catching me before kidnappers or murders..strange, I know) . I am not running for speed, I am running just so I know that I CAN run. I am running so I can say that I am a runner. I am running so that my body will know that the fat is getting evicted FOR GOOD. I am running for all those people who wish they could. I am running for ME.

I am really proud of myself today. I faced several challenges and I overcame those obstacles.  This time I know..I mean I really KNOW that NOW is my time. I WILL succeed. I WILL accomplish changing my life and making it  what I WANT it to be.

This journey is only three days in the making, but I already feel as if it's been a lifetime in coming. Tonight I will go to bed knowing that for the first time in my life, I am really loving myself...and that, my friends, is AMAZING...

Until tomorrow....

Day two

This morning saw a 1.8 lb. loss. I know I should not weigh every day...and I am NOT going to start that because the scale only tells part of the story. I got up, washed my hair (something I have to do every morning) and got dressed. I had a fire inspection today so I can reopen my daycare. It went well. I had a cup of coffe with some delicious Carribean Cinnamon Vanilla Creamer..and it was divine. No this is not "lite" creamer, its the full fat real deal.
See, on my journey this time, I refuse to give up the things I love. I have to make changes to the way I eat and live, and I have a calorie budget. I can eat anything as long as I stay within my calorie budget. I know from past experience that I enjoy eating veggies and fruit. I also know that eating healthy food is much more satisfying than eating a cheeseburger and fries each day. Don't get me wrong, I will still have a cheeseburger every now and then, but not daily and probably not even weekly.

There are so many things I already look forward to. I look forward to cleaning the "gunk" out of my system. I like the way I feel when my blood is flowing freely and there isn't so much fat and ick running through my veins .

I look forward to growing stronger in exercise. I love the way sweating makes me feel. I mean sweating from physical exertion and not from the layers of fat I am carrying around.

I look forward to greater intimacy with my husband. As there is less in the way, I am sure things will be different. I will feel better. It's hard to feel attractive when your belly is a blob. It's hard to feel attractive when your back fat has more rolls than a bakery.

Today I begin the practice of leaving a few bites on my plate. I grew up with a Mom who insisted we eat all of our food on our plates. I don't want to rope my children into the same thinking. I will begin today telling them that they can eat until they are satisfied, and then they can be finished.

I managed to get in a 2 mile walk with a jog of a little over 1/4 of a mile. Yay me!! I loved how I felt AFTER it was over...I am not gonna lie, it HURT while I was doing it...but I pushed through. I really did not care that there were Soldiers on this track looking at me yelling (yes, yelling) at myself to keep going. Maybe they were thinking "way to go fat girl..at least you are doing something about it"..

My calorie intake has stayed right around 1500 calories today and I noticed that I really CAN live like this. I want this so bad now that I can just feel it.

I have been reading a blog that is really inspiring me. This blogger mentions a steel curtain of resolve. Well, I have my steel curtain. I am NOT going to make excuses anymore, I am NOT going to put off until X, Y, or Z anymore. I am just going to do it. And keep doing "it"...

I promised myself while we were in Gatlinburg that I would not have another fat summer, and I intend to keep that promise to myself. I am not in a race. I am learning that loving myself means caring for my body.

Until tomorrow...

Day one and 100 to go

100 pounds of fat that is. Hello, my name is Tiffany and I am a food addict. I weigh 262 lbs and I am only 5 feet 3 and 1/2 inches tall. I am a Mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a grandaughter, a neice, a friend. I am fat.
Today is my very last day being as fat as I am and I am on my way to weighing less. Much less I hope. My goal is to lose 100 lbs. I don't know how long it will take, and frankly I am trying to convince my brain that it really doesn't matter how long it takes to get there. I want to blog about my weight loss so I can motivate myself and maybe someone else along the way.

Today was a great day as far as my food and water intake go. I drank my 64 oz. of water and kept my calories below 1500.

I have done this weight loss thing so many times, but before I always treated it like a diet. I have to embrace this as a lifestyle change and I am worth it. I deserve to be healthy and to feed my body good foods.

I walked for a mile and a quarter, but I also jogged a quarter mile. For a 262 lb. girl, that's awesome.

I know that this journey is just as much mental battle as a physical one. I plan to blog about the ups and the downs.

This time, failure is not an option.

Until tomorrow...

Butterfly

Events of the last 18 hours have me thinking. Once again, my oldest has pulled one of her shenanigans. In the past, one of these episodes would've sent me into a downward spiral of crying and anger. I would have been upset at my stomach for most of the night and I would have wasted time wondering what it was going to take to get my child to see the error of her ways.  While I am embarrassed with what she did, I have a peace in my soul. This peace ONLY comes from God. While she will have to endure the consequences for her actions, I have confidence that God will take even this and work it out for her good.

When I was a teenager, I did any and everything I thought I was grown enough to do.  It started in 7th grade. I started stealing from the people for whom I would babysit. I got into my first fight at school when I was in the 7th grade also. When I finally got into High School, I became sexually active at the age of 14. When I was 16,  I got busted for sneaking out of the house while my mother was working nights. When I was 17, threw a party in my parent's home while they were away. When I was 18, I started smoking weed occasionally and drinking. Having enough of my rebellious behavior, a few days after graduating from Riverdale, my mother kicked me out of her house. It was the 4th of July weekend to be exact. I lived on the street and in my car for a while. I then found myself living from house to house with whomever would take me in. When I was 19, I became pregnant out of wedlock.

The whole of my teen-age existence was spent in rebellion...I gave my dear parents so many sleepless nights and caused so many days of worry and anxiety.  I know my Mama tried everything she knew how to try and save me from my destructive ways. Looking back, I know that no matter what would have happened to me, I would have still continued doing whatever it was I "thought" I wanted to do.  Even though I knew consequences for my actions would have to be paid, I still took the chance that I may not get caught.

I always got caught.

When I look back over my teenage years, I see God's fingerprints all over the messes I made. Even when I was spending my time in complete rebellion, He was still watching over me and keeping me. He was still guiding and shaping my life. When I shattered a part of my existance, God was there, picking up the broken pieces, somehow making those broken pieces part of a beautiful creation.

The Love that God showed to me is the reason I can have peace even when my daughter does stupid stuff. I know that I am trying my best to give her a foundation in the Lord. I know that she knows right from wrong. I know and believe when scripture tells me to"train up my child in the way she should go, and when she is old, she will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). I also believe in prayer and I am going to stand in the gap and pray for God's hands to be all over her like they were me. Even when it doesn't look like she has God in her life, I know she does. I also know that my child is so much like me that her best teacher will be the consequences of life. I am fully aware that I could also be reaping what I've sown.

Since becoming an adult, butterflies have come to mean a lot to me. Butterflies are beauty personified. They being life as an ugly creature, and by grace, they undergo a transformation that includes struggle and pain before emerging as the Beauty that God intended.
 I see our lives as that of a butterfly. While we are here on earth, we are like the caterpillar...crawling along the ground, trying to find our way...then when we find THE WAY, THE TRUTH, and THE LIGHT /Jesus wraps us in a protective cocoon of God's mercy and love.  This cocoon, fashioned from the Love of God, is one where He begins the work of cleaning up our lives. We may struggle against this change like a wiggly two year old when getting his faced washed, but God always wins. Our cocoon is the protection and provision that God has for His children. When we die (if we have been saved), we are born into Heaven as a beautiful creation. Perfect and lacking in nothing.  Butterflies are God's reminder to me of how much He loves me.

I am so thankful that even when we are at our ugliest and our most rebellious, God still loves us. He is still willing to clean up our lives if only we will say yes to Him. Because of God's unfailing love, I KNOW my child will be ok. I know that I know that I know, and because I know...it is well with my soul.