More from Myspace

July 12, 2008 - Saturday
Lost and found
This morning, a dear friend shared a YouTube video with me that has since taken me on a journey . Today I climbed mountains of pride, and slunk through valleys of shame and guilt. I was visited by ghosts of regret and confusion. I swam in a river of self-loathing that was so cold, I feel the iciness of pain lingering on my thoughts. I finally settled in a place of peace that feels as comfortable as the cool summer grass between my toes. I cried tears of release that were so sweet, I wanted to nap afterward. My soul was tired.
Today's journey took me back to summers where all I wanted to do was play outside and splash in the sprinkler, eat a popcicle, and when the day was over, slide between sheets that had been freshly laundered and hung outside to dry. I longed for the days when my parents made all the decisions and my job was just to be a kid and do kid things. I missed catching lightening bugs and going to my grandmother's house.
I thought about the later years that were much darker. The years that came after my parents divorce. Let me preface this by saying that I don't blame my parent's divorce for my choices when I was a teenager. In fact, in a strange way, I know that thier divorce was a blessing. It was something that was necessary for my parents so they could grow into the people they are today. I believe with my heart, thier divorce was necessary for the three children that were a product of thier marriage.
After my Daddy moved out, and my Mom went to work being a single parent, I was so desperate for love and attention that I went from being a cleptomaniac to being very promiscuous. I wanted love and approval and attention. I had a hole in my heart and in my soul, I was was searching desperately for SOMETHING, ANYTHING to fill that void. I looked to boys, I looked to stealing things, I looked to food. I searched for approval from friends. My "real" self did not want to be a "bad" child. In fact, who I really was got smothered when I decided that they only way someone would LOVE me was if I manipulated them into doing so.
It was not until years later that I realized that the void I was feeling and trying to feed with sex, friends, and food, was a void that only God can fill. I will get to that a little more later.
I made it through my teenage years a very hurt, bitter, and confused young lady. Who I was created to be was at war with who I was trying to be. I tried so hard to be something that I was not, and yet I did not know who exactly or what I was trying to be. I just know I wanted to be loved. Unconditionally. I wanted someone to look at me and tell me that no matter how much I messed up, they would NEVER leave me. They would NEVER give up on me, and they loved me. I desperately needed someone to love me wheather I deserved it or not. Most of the time, my actions made it hard to love me.
Fast forward to 1994. I was 19, unmarried, homeless, and pregnant. I thought that having a baby would fill the void that was in my heart (no that is not why I got pregnant). But even though Jazmyne's birth saved my life, the void was still there.
When Jazmyne was almost two, God brought Terrance into our lives, and he began to love me for me. Not because of sex, because we were not doing that. He accepted me as I was. The whole me, including the scars, the insecurites, the past, the unknown, and even through his family's initial disapproval. Terrance was very different than anyone I had been with. He was a Christain, and was a gentleman.
Although I finally had someone in my life that loved me, I still had that giant void.
Now let me say that growing up, I knew about God, and became saved somewhere between the ages of 11 and 13. My family did not attend church regularly, but I knew enough about Him to know I wanted to go to Heaven and I knew that Jesus was the way to get there. Still, I thought that God loved me based on my preformance, and as hard as I would try, I just could not make myself be good enough. I often felt shameful and that God really could not love someone like me...I battled with feelings of not being saved. I battled feelings of not ever being good enough or deserving enough, even though with all my heart I longed for Jesus and to be loved by God.
What I did not realize, and what came to me just within the last few years, is that God loved me anyway...He knew all about me. He knew my struggles and my past, He loved me anyway. He saw( and still sees) past all of that. He knows about the men I slept with (or should I say boys), he knew about the lies, the drugs, the stealing. He knew my shame and loved me anyway. He also never asked me to change myself, but it was through Him that I learned I could not change myself anyway. God had to do it. God had to take that mess I created and clean it up. He wanted to, He loves me, so He began to change me.
I wish I could say that transformation in my life happened overnight, but God does not work that way. I fully believe that with God, he only gives us as much as we can handle and the ultimate desire of God's is that we desire Him more. We go through times of trials, and tests, and hurts, and He teaches us, and He molds us. We have absolutely NO power to do anything on our own. He does it all, He paid for it all...because He loves us.
Many people think that they have to "clean themselves up" before beginning a relationship with God. I was one of those people who thought that way. That is just SO not true. Many people think that as soon as they become saved, they have to stop doing this or that, but you know what....even that is not true. All that God really requires is a yeilded heart. He gave His son Jesus, and all God asks is that we ask Jesus in our hearts and we love Him. All God wants is our hearts and our love. He does the rest. He cleans us up. He takes to desire for sins away. He does that. All we have to do it let him. So, I let Him.
One day, Terrance and I had been arguing. Usually when we argue, it is because I push us to that point.I usually get aggitated and push us to that point when I am feeling insecure or looking to my husband to meet all my needs. Let me tell you this, no one human on this Earth will EVER EVER EVER be able to meet all your needs...no matter how much they love you, and Terrance loves me.Anyway, I digress...we had been arguing and Terrance left. He needed a break and so he left. I fell to my knees and prayed for God to change Terrance....LOL...you know what God did? He let me know right then and there that I was the one He would be changing. He also let me know that no matter WHO was in my life or WHAT was going on...He was the only one that could fulfill me in any way, He was the only one that could change people or circumstances.
God also let me know that even if Terrance NEVER came back, and decided he did not want to be married, God was NEVER going to leave me...He was all I needed...HE loves me, always has and always will . All I had to do is just trust him...By the way, Terrance came back (obviously).
Let me tell you, since that very day, I know that my realtionship with Jesus is a very personal one. He knows me, and He fills my void. He is the one my soul has longed for forever. He is the one that will not leave me, He wont turn his back on me. It took 33 years to know that ...but I am so glad that I do know that now.
So this morning when I was watching the YouTube video, the song Amazing Grace was playing and it rang true for me....I once was lost, but now I'm found ....was blind, but now....I see.