Sometimes, deciding to love myself is the hardest.

Today is a strange day. Well, when are the days not strange..but I digress.

Seeing Oprah today has me thinking. It's not anything she said or her show because I really don't watch her show anymore. I was just looking at her.
Everyone knows she has publically struggled with her weight forever. To me, Oprah is beautiful...fat or thin. She seems to embrace her body...at least now she does and she seems very comfortable in her skin. Oh, how I long to feel that way about my body .  How I long to be comfortable with my batwings and droopy skin...
 I had high hopes for a reshaped body when I began my weight loss journey. I just knew my stomach would shrink along with the rest of my body. Sadly, my stomach looks the same...only slightly smaller...instead of looking 9 months pregnant, I look maybe 6 months...  My stomach still hangs and my arms will probably always have batwings (although my biceps and shoulders are looking a bit impressive even with all the fat still there) . My thighs will probably ALWAYS be large and really, that part is ok with me because I can see the muscles in them now even if the muscles are a bit cellulite covered. Having a large body never bothered me much because I have never ever been thin..even in high school I was thick...and I don't mind having a big butt or legs or hips...I just hate my stomach...I wish that would go away...
 As silly as it sounds I am saddest about my butt. I am getting that old white lady square-shaped butt. I HATE that. My husband is a butt man...and mine used to be...well...big but shapely. I guess years of being obese and the sad reality that I am getting older is showing up in the flat funny shaped white lady butt...UGH!!! I wish I could reshape my butt into something that resembles Jennifer Lopez's hiney(a girl can dream can't she)...but unless I plan on plastic surgery and butt implants, I don't see that happening. Guess I will have to live with that.

Truthfully, my butt and stomach was not the real reason I wanted to write today. I wanted to write because I long to love myself. I long to love myself in my own skin. I want to celebrate that I have lost 42lbs..and while I am nowhere NEAR my goal, I have come a decent way from being the 262 lbs. I once was. I want to enjoy the muscles I see in my arms and legs and I want to enjoy the smaller shape of my face and the cheekbones that have reappeared.
Sadly, when I look in the mirror, I only see the same ole fat tummy hanging down below my pelvic region and the flappy batwings...I only see the weight I still need to lose and I am still very self-conscious. I see the dark hair on my face and the fact that it looks like i have a goatee because of my lovely PCOS. I only see the icky stuff that needs to change. I see the fat that is above my belly button and I long for the days of a flatter upper stomach before I had my second and third child.

I have started to wonder if God wants me to learn to accept where I am before He allows me to go any further in my weight loss. I am also still struggling with my food addiction issues. I LOVE to eat. Let me say this...I have learned over the last few weeks that I DON'T love the way I feel after eating copious amounts of sugar and fat. I hate the lethargic feeling that follows me like a hangover the next day. I hate the guilt and those feeling are enough to make me think twice about gorging on cookies and cheeseburgers.

Anyway, I really want to learn to love myself no matter where I am on this weight loss or any other life journey God brings me through. I want to learn to nourish not only my body, but my soul with good foods (literally and figuratively). I want to look in the mirror and see the beauty in a body that nourished, grew and birthed by C-section three gorgeous kids. I want to see the curves that my husband delights in. I want to see the beauty of God's creation instead of looking at myself with disgust.

I hope that as I continue this weight loss journey, I will also take a journey to self acceptance. Just like I had to decide that enough was enough with my weight, I have to decided to love myself..and that will be the hardest part of all...