Ok...so now what?

So I am writing in purple today because purple calms me. No, I am not in a bad mood or upset or anxious. I am just...tired.....I say that often and I think it has lost it's meaning to my family...but truthfully, I am worn out. I am sure this is something every mother feels...worn out...We care for our families and do so much in our daily lives that we rarely have time for us. You know what I have discovered about myself? When I am very stressed and have a lot to do, I don't DO anything.  I am the type of person who hides from responsibility for a while and then I gripe about it for a while longer...then I finally jump into action. Action calms me. Accomplishing things on the ever-present "to-do" list empowers me.

I have watched the craziness this week. I am getting ready to open my daycare again. I have been running around like a mad woman trying to get everything ready and have my house in perfect order again. In doing all of that running around, I have found that I have been in a foul mood. I keep looking for places to situate the blame, but if I am telling the truth, the blame is squarely on my shoulders. I have high expectations of myself and that leads me to rebellion. It's a frustrating mind game I play with myself. I wonder why I do this. I get so mad when I have so many things to do...but I am the one giving myself this "to-do" list....*sigh* Sounds to me like I am not happy unless I am unhappy...
UGH we have to change this.

So, now what?  I have to take action to decide what is important and what I can live without doing. I have to decide if something I am stressing about will matter in 5 years...heck...in 5 days...and if it doesn't then...poof...it can disappear.

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend and he said "seems like you are uptight about everything" and my answer to him was " I AM" .....so why am I so uptight...again, we go back to expectations. I have to let expectations go. I also realized that much of my stress comes from my lack of trust in God...that hurt to say...but I haven't been trusting God like I would like to belive I have been. Truth of the matter is I have not trusted Him at all. This is most apparent in my finances right now. Since I have not been working, money has been tight (which is the reason I am reopening my daycare). I hate when money is tight..especially when we have a vacation planned with Terrance's family.

I have been allowing this upcoming vacation and the worry over money make me sick to my stomach...in my mind we need a certain amount of money to accomplish all on this vacation we need to accomplish...once agian, if I peel back the layers, I notice that my stress is all built upon expectations I have placed on myself/this vacation/my family. I haven't trusted God. I have been doing some things to earn money, but my trust was not in God. If He is who He says He is (and I belive that He IS) then I have to know that He will take care of our needs and even the vacation (which will be a family bonding event) will work out the way He intended.

Oh me of little faith!

So...the now what will be answered this way: I will trust God...TRUST that the money will be there, that He loves me, that He is taking care of me, that He is ABLE fully to do all that He says He will do...I pay tithes and offerings..and even when things are tight, I still give to Him....so I have to TRUST in HIS kingdom principals. I have to TRUST in the God who cannot fail. And even when thigns don't turn out the way *I* think they should, I have to know that He has a better plan.

Ok..so today I am making the decison that I will not think about tomorrow..I will focus on today. I will not get overwhelmed with the "now what" and I will re-examine the expectations I have placed on myself, my life,  my family, my husband, my environment...I will decided to stop obsessing and start praising GOD for all that I do have. I will let this day be all I wrap my mind around...and I will leave the rest to God...